RPC Authority

You're gonna get a lot of shit for the theme. Having such bright text on such a dark background is hard to read for a lot of people, including myself. I'd stick to something close to the base theme with text brightness and background color, or just don't use this custom theme.

There were too many examples of sentences that could be made way more concise for me to list them all in this crit. Go through your article and ask yourself for each sentence if you could shorten it without losing the meaning.

Another thing, get someone to draw up a diagram or two for this complex. It’ll make visualizing it a hell of a lot easier.

All entrances to RPC-004 are under constant surveillance from CCTV cameras that have been erected near them. A 4 meter high barbed wire fence is to be erected in a 30 meter perimeter around RPC-004, and is to be patrolled by ASF personnel at all times.

For the containment protocols, you switch between "this is how we're containing it right now" and "this is how it you should contain it". It doesn't matter which one you pick, but don't do both. Either change "is to be erected" to "has been erected", or change "are under constant surveillance" to "are to be under constant surveillance", and make any necessary changes in the rest of the containment protocols.

Also, please don't use the word "erect". Just use "construct" or something.

Furthermore, I would change "4" to "four". It's better to use the word form for any numbers one through ten, imo.

A CCTV camera is set up to watch RPC-004-C-2, and explosive charges with a remote trigger have been set on the device.

Does "the device" refer to the CCTV camera or RPC-004-C-2? Make that more clear.

In the event that any unknown entities emerge from RPC-004-C-2 the charges are to be detonated.

The word "unknown" is pretty vague here. I would expand it to "previously unknown".

Also, add a comma after "RPC-004-C-2".

RPC-004-2 is to be held in a standard humanoid containment unit with standard furnishing. RPC-004-2 does not require food, but is to be provided water.

Remove the part about not requiring food. When containing an anomaly, the Authority doesn't need to know what not to give it if you specify exactly what it needs.

I would also remove the bit about standard furnishings but that's just me.

RPC-004 has been completely mapped out

This is not worded clinically and it doesn't add anything to the article anyway so just remove it.

These sections are labeled as follows: RPC-004-A (main computational center), RPC-004-B (manufacturing wing), and RPC-004-C (the generators).

The way of introducing each section is pretty clunky and doesn't flow well. You should be introducing the sections and giving a short description of each in fluid sentences, with the designations in parenthesis. This is the part where you are setting the stage for the rest of the article. You need to give a bit more detail than just a title, even if you go into depth on each later on in the description.

RPC-004 itself is un-powered, but components of RPC-004 can be individually powered on by the use of a portable 120V generator.

This is super vague and clunkily worded. Say something like "The entirety of the complex lacks electricity, however, individual parts of RPC-004 can be powered through use of a portable generator.”

The corpses of robotic humanoid entities, designated as RPC-004-1, can be found throughout RPC-004. The manner in which these bodies have been found indicates that they were all killed instantly, as none of the discovered bodies display any kind of struggle.

To date only one living instance of RPC-004-1 has been found within RPC-004; this instance has been designated as RPC-004-2. RPC-004-2 is a humanoid robotic entity with a feminine shape. RPC-004-2 was found wearing an esoteric style of religious garments that are composed of white fabric. Patterns similar in appearance to that of various mechanical parts are sewn into these garments with a metallic thread. RPC-004-2 sustains itself exclusively on water, and does not require any other form of sustenance to survive.

Move all of this to after the expanded description of each section. You should develop the actual RPC in detail before supplementary stuff.

The corpses of robotic humanoid entities, designated as RPC-004-1, can be found throughout RPC-004. The manner in which these bodies have been found indicates that they were all killed instantly, as none of the discovered bodies display any kind of struggle.

Using words like “corpses”, “killed” and “struggle” humanizes the robots in a way that the Authority would not do. Describe them as objects, not people.

RPC-004-2 was found wearing an esoteric style of religious garments that are composed of white fabric. Patterns similar in appearance to that of various mechanical parts are sewn into these garments with a metallic thread.

It is weird that the Authority would spend this much time describing its clothing, rather than the important thing, which is what the robots are and how RPC-XXX-2 is different than them.

RPC-004-A is located in the central area of RPC-004, and is where the rest of RPC-004 is built out from.

What does “built out from” even mean? Say that it serves as a hub for each of the other sections instead and that it is the only / main entrance to the complex.

This section is broken down into 3 individual components designated as RPC-004-A-1, RPC-004-A-2, and RPC-004-A-3 respectively. Throughout

At this point, the amount of designations is ridiculous and no one is going to remember all of these.

Throughout this section the RPC-004-1 discovered are dressed as either what is assumed to be security for RPC-004, a form of janitorial position, or a more technical position.

You’re introducing the robots as being employees before actually explaining that they were employees. You need to introduce the basic concept of “there are robots across the facility and they used to run the facility” before you can develop on it.

RPC-004-A-1 is a computational device that the rest of RPC-004-A is built from.

Again, very vague. You introduced RPC-004-A as a section of a building, so how the hell can the section of a building be built from a computer?

RPC-004-A-1 is capable of incorporating other computational devices into itself, if said device is brought into physical contact with the core.

This sentence is very weirdly worded and it made it hard to follow. You should flip it around to be something like “If a computation device comes into contact with the core of RPC-004-A-1, it will become incorporated into RPC-004-A-1.”

It’s still pretty vague, so I would also throw something in about the parts of the device being separated and dispersed to different locations of RPC-004-A-1.

The exact methods by which the core functions are currently unknown.

Very vague. Specify that the methods by which RPC-004-A-1// intigrates new components// are currently unknown.

and files that are similar in function to many different kinds of files used by the Authority

This is vague. I don’t know what the fuck you’re even trying to say here so I can’t suggest anything to fix it.

Additionally, code exists within RPC-004-A-2 which makes it such that the files held within it would update every 24 hours at 00:00 GMT exactly, as a nuclear clock is located within RPC-004-A-2.

I don’t know much about computers, but I’m pretty sure that a computer that can only update its storage once a day would not be very functional.

RPC-004-A-3 is built using various esoteric devices similar in appearance to many types of devices used by modern communication centers.

This sentence could be made a lot shorter. You could compress all of “similar in appearance to many types of” to “resembling”.

RPC-004-B can also be further split up into three distinct sections designated as RPC-004-B-1, RPC-004-B-2, and RPC-004-B-3.

Too
Many
Designations
Kill me

RPC-004-1 found within RPC-004-B are dressed in a fashion consistent with either security personnel, janitorial personnel, or factory/construction workers.

I don’t see why I should care how they’re dressed. Nowhere before this have you stated that the clothing has any significance at all. Either remove these references to clothing or give me a reason for it to matter earlier in the article.

RPC-004-B-1 is entirely made up of machines similar to that used by modern manufactures

“manufactures” to “manufacturers”

RPC-004-B-1 is entirely made up of machines similar to that used by modern manufactures to produce microprocessors, and the computational components that use them. Experimentation with RPC-004-B-1 has revealed that the process is uses to produce computational components is notably more efficient then any modern production lines.

Why do you have to compare it to modern manufacturers in the first place? Just say RPC-004-B-1 is made up of highly efficient machines that produce microprocessors and components that use them.

RPC-004-B-2 is constructed in a manner that allows it to mass produce simplistic space faring vessels that are capable of reaching orbit without the use of external boosters.

This is a very abrupt introduction to the idea that RPC-004 has anything at all to do with space. Perhaps you could hint at this earlier on in the description so it doesn’t feel so out-of-the-blue.

RPC-004-B-3 is a section designed to produce living instances of RPC-004-1

Don’t use the word “living”. They’re robots, not people. Even if you want to characterize them as people later, right now the Authority has no reason to do this.

via heavy duty cables

The term “heavy duty” is pretty unprofessional.

Additionally, some of the RPC-004-1 found within the RPC-004-B-3 area appear to dressed in an unknown type of religious garments.

You missed the word “be” after “to”.

These religious RPC-XXX-1 were all found in a praying position.

Get rid of the word “religious”. You haven’t given me a reason to think that RPC-XXX-1 are capable of advanced cognitive thought and not just mindless drone work, so this comes out of nowhere.

RPC-004-C is the northern wing of RPC-004, and is technically the smallest section of RPC-004, as it only makes up 1% of the total floor space in RPC-004. RPC-004-C is split into two sections for the purpose of of this document, RPC-004-C-1 is the part of RPC-004-C located in RPC-004 and RPC-004-C-2 is the part of RPC-004-C in a currently unknown location. No bodies of RPC-004-1 were found within RPC-004-C.

RPC-004-C-1 is a large open room that holds various transformers and various other electrical equipment. Additionally, a hoop shaped device is located in the center of RPC-004-C-1, and is designated as RPC-004-C-2. This device holds open s traversable wormhole to RPC-004-C-3.

RPC-004-C-3 is the designation of the space that can be accessed through RPC-004-C-2. RPC-004-C-3 is a Dyson Sphere constructed around a red dwarf star, using a physically connected solar sail array. Currently, the cable running from RPC-004-C-1 to RPC-004-C-3 isn't connected to the main generator on the solar sail accessible through RPC-004-C-1. However, the device on RPC-004-C-3 which allows for travel to RPC-004-C-1 is connected to the generator on the solar sail.

This whole thing is really awkward to read. I would completely rewrite it and spend more time on each bit of information before introducing something new.

As usual, not explaining everything.

All space and land based telescopes capable of seeing RPC-004 are to be placed under Authority control by any means.

Seems a bit out of tone. How about "telescopes capable of visually identifying RPC-004 with a resolution of over [SOMETHING ABOUT RAYLEIGH CRITERION]"?

is to relay a live feed of RPC-004's surface at all times.

Live feed isn't exactly a clinical word. How about "is to relay video footage of RPC-004's surface instantaneously"?

Personnel with advanced cognitive hazard resistance training are to observe this footage for review, and take notes on what they see.

Same issue about tone here. Why not try "and document the findings"?

If this is true, then that would mean that RPC-004 breaks the Law of Conservation of Chaos.

I think switching to passive voice here would help the sentence feel more clinical.

Despite RPC-004's immense size it has no visible effects on gravitation within the solar system.

How about "No effects on gravitation are exerted by RPC-004 despite the immense size of RPC-004."?

Pronoun counter(the lower the better): 3

I think the grammar is functional, but it needs to sound more clinical at this stage. Nothing a few more crits won't fix I suppose.

I really like the formatting of the Addendums. They look a lot clearer and I'll probably adopt them in the near future.

I also like that the paragraphs are not too lengthy such that it's quite easy to read.

The parts about John Smith's journal feel odd though. It's too bright and I think that listing it in an actual transcript would make it better.

I'm also concerned with the fact that AEDF ships have the fatal flaw of being vulnerable from it's bridge glass breaking. Maybe have it be such that Captain Stewart would have to do a few things before killing the ship.

Ok. This may drift too close to cliche territory.

It's a celestial being in the form a machine. It makes you dream weird shit and forces you to worship it. It makes those under it do irrational and highly damaging things in the name of the god. And it turns out to be in control of reality.

Immediate advise would be to turn the dream thing into the person being teleported into another realm where they have conversations with the entity. On second thoughts, that sounds a bit cliche as well.

I don't know man. I'm out of ideas here but I'm sure you'll figure this out.

I think the story of a AEDFS crew deteriorating works. Yeah, short and simple statement.