Containment Protocol:
standard Low Threat Level locker
Eh, just label it as 'standard containment locker.'
RPC-XXX's containment locker is to be humidified every day to prevent the object from decaying.
Can't you just install a humidifier and state: "A humidifier has been placed within RPC-XXX's containment locker to prevent its decay."?
Senior Researcher Dane ███████.
Do not censor anything in containment protocol, considering it is the directions in which a person needs to know what to do, where to go, and who to refer to.
Description:
RPC-XXX is a green wreath crown consisting of thick vines from various plants such as Convolvulus1, Hedera2, and Bignoniaceae3 when inactive.
Recommend you place the three plants into a footnote and include the common names in parenthesis alongside them in said footnote.
with the flowers always having a personal meaning to its wearer.
Personal taste here, but it would sound more 'clinical' if you replaced 'meaning' -> 'significance.'
Addendum-02:
They complied without hesitation and wore RPC-XXX.
Replace 'They' -> 'The subject.' Sounds better, anyhow.
Overall, a coherently written piece, essentially serving as a parallel between a flower of personal significance to the individual and in-turn projecting memories involving them to the user that's affected. This is a good article, but I believe that it would be more interesting if you focused more on the negative effects that can be projected, whether it be focusing on loss, witnessing traumatic events, or other emotional oddities that can be generated.
One On the front, there is a scripture carved into a vine.
The Children claim that it was owned by one of the children's grandmother.
I like where you are going from this. This is a very wholesome RPC and I like the change of pace.
One question to consider is what happens if the person dawning the object has no memories associated with flowers? Or worse, what happens when the memories associated with flowers is negative? Does the object then produce negative emotions?
If you answer that, and the obvious interview you're going to do, I think this'll be a solid article.
Good work.
RPC-XXX begins to sprout flowers for five seconds. testing has yielded that the flowers sprouting depends on who is dawning RPC-XXX. The flowers blooming on RPC-XXX when activated always have a personal connection to its wearer.
The latter half of this is a little wordy, you might want to change it to just something like "the species of flower sprouted depends on the individual wearer, with the flowers blooming on RPC-XXX always having a personal meaning to its wearer." just to clean it up a little
Agent █████: No, but this interview is being recorded in the form of a transcript. We wish for you to not go running your mouth about this though. We'll give you monetary compensation if you keep your mouth shut.Agent █████: No, but this interview is being recorded in the form of a transcript. We wish for you to not go running your mouth about this though. We'll give you monetary compensation if you keep your mouth shut.
This seems weirdly harsh and the idea of bribing people to not talk about the interview seems sort of strange given the myriad of brain wiping juices they have access to
Agent █████: Alright… What was the grandmother like?
"the grandmother" seems like a strange way to refer to a person
my child
Same as above, parents calling their child "my child" feels weirdly stilted and it happens a lot in this interview, you might want to change that for something like a name or a pronoun.
Otherwise it's pretty wholesome, I like it
Registered Phenomena Code: XXX
Object Class: Alpha-White
Hazards: Transmutation Hazard, Emotional Hazard
Containment Protocols: RPC-XXX is to be contained in a standard Low Threat Level locker on Site-016. RPC-XXX'S containment locker is to be humidified every day to prevent the object from decaying. Level 1 staff members are permitted to access RPC-XXX for testing or tending reasons. Testing of RPC-XXX is to be approved by Senior Researcher Dane ███████.
[[include component:image-block-static name= http://rpcsandbox.wdfiles.com/local--files/wishful-wreath/Wreath.png|width=…px|caption= Childhood image of the original owner of RPC-XXX circa 1940.]]
Description: RPC-XXX is a green wreath crown consisting of thick vines from what plant? when inactive. The circumference of RPC-XXX is 56 centimetres. On the front, there is a scripture carved into a vine. The carvings read; Kind of awkward phrasing. How about "The inscription, "Let your favourite flowers bloom your emotions. Love, Grandma." is carved into the front of the wreath"
When a person(?) wearsUpon wearing RPC-XXX, it begins to exhibit its anomalous abilities. RPC-XXX begins to sprout flowers for five seconds. Testing has yielded that the species of flower sprouted depends on the individual wearer, with the flowers blooming on RPC-XXX always having a personal meaning to its wearer.
The subject wearing RPC-XXX will begin to change their mood upon activation. The subject's Mood changes are being affected by the blooming flowers and what memories or emotions the wearer associates with they tie to the flower. Subjects have reported experiencing vivid memories for approximatelyexpress a surge of memories being displayed for ten seconds. After wearing RPC-XXX, the subject's mood will remain unchanged for 24 hours.
Discovery: RPC-XXX was discovered when an internal agent, who was embedded in the local police force of ████████, witnessed a group of children exchanging RPC-XXX to one another in a suburban neighbourhood. The agent approached the children and questioned them about RPC-XXX. The children claim that it was owned by one of the children's grandmother. The agent asked if she could see their grandmother but the child told her that their grandmother has been deceased for a month. The tone in this whole section is off- especially the way the agent is talking to "the children" collectively. Doesn't parse very well.
The agent asked to see the child's parental guardian Why not just "parents"? or "family?" and was able to gain an interview from him so it's the kid's father. I feel like we need names here. after reporting the anomaly to the Authority. A recovery team was dispatched within an hour. The agent proceeded with an interview with the parental guardians once the recovery team arrived.
Addendum-01:
Interviewed: Parental guardian of the child that owned RPC-XXX. Again, this is super awkwardly phrased. Just give us a name.
Interviewer: Agent █████
Foreword: Interview is takes place within the family home of the family. Purpose of the interview is to understand the origins of RPC-XXX and where it came from.
<Begin Log, 16:45>
Agent █████: Good afternoon. Sorry if this interview causes any inconvenience. We'll ask some personal questions retaining the wreath that your child owns and the grandmother that gave it to them is this some kind of Swedish gender-neutral child? Pick whether it's a boy or a girl.. Is that alright?
Father: Uh, okay. I guess it's alright. What's with all the guys in protective gear? Are there any cameras? Why does he ask this last question? Is this supposed to be like "Am I supposed to be on TV?"
Agent █████: No, but this interview is being documented in the form of a written transcript. Wait, are you implying that there's a stenographer in the room? The RPC would absolutely just take audio recordings. We wish for you to not go running your mouth about this though. We'll give you monetary compensation if you keep your mouth shut. This is unnecessarily threatening, and doesn't really fit the positive tone of the article.
Father: Sounds great to me. He's very chipper for someone who's just been threatened. Go on with the questions, ma'am. My god, give this agent a name.
Agent █████: Alright… What was your mother like?
Father: She was quite a charming old lady. She loved talking with my kid and often showed her some trinkets that she owned before she gave them away to charity.
Agent █████: Were those trinkets exhibiting odd abilities? Again, kind of awkward phrasing. How about "Were any of these trinkets… unusual? Out of the ordinary? Weird stories about them?"
Father: I'm not sure. I never interacted with them, So this dad doesn't know what toys his young daughter plays with? That seems unusual. my girl just tells me how amazing the trinkets were. She just tells me how cool they looked so they probably weren't odd.
Agent █████: Interesting. So is the wreath the only one that exhibits odd abilities?
Father: Yup. That wreath was the last thing she was given by my mother before she passed away.
Agent █████: My condolences for your mother's death… Anyways, let's continue. How did your mother get that wreath?
Father: She told me that the wreath was made by her old childhood friend. Her friend was visiting Hong Kong with her parents for business reasons and her friend shared a lot of her belongings with the local kids. I remember she told me that they always used to make more of those wreaths together but once her friend moved away, my mother wasn't able to make any more of them. The other wreaths were destroyed when the vines went dry. She managed to care for the one my child owns now. Again, names please. The amount you use "your friend" here is grating.
Agent █████: Interesting, seems like her friend had anomalous abilities If they're trying to hush this up, why mention it in conversation?… How old was she when she was given the wreath?
Father: Well, I don't think she told me but I have a picture from back in the 40s of her wearing it.
The parental guardian reaches for a picture frame from a drawer and shows it to the agent.
Agent █████: I see. May I have a copy of this image for documenting purposes? I highly doubt the RPC would just make a copy when they could take the original, amnesticize the family, transfer some money into their bank account and go?
Father: Go ahead, as long as I get to keep the original.
Agent █████: Of course. Next question. How many people know about the wreath's abilities?
Father: Just me, my daughter and some of her friends. I don't think anyone would believe children though. Kids have great imaginations. I remember one of her friends' parents was over for dinner and talked about all the wild things that her son told her about. Saying; "The wreath is magic! It grew my favourite flowers, daffodils!"
Agent █████: Thank goodness. No need to bribe a whole neighbourhood… Let's see if I have any more questions… This is not the kind of thing you say out loud while trying to hush up an anomaly. Have you tried the wreath yourself?
Father: I… Well, I have and it was an interesting experience. It bloomed some sunflowers and some memories just… flashed before my eyes. But I thought he'd said he hadn't played with any of the trinkets?
Agent █████: Flashed before your eyes? Care to elaborate on what you saw?
Father: Sure. When those flowers bloomed, I saw the memories of my old school playground where they always had those flowers. I remember using those flowers as 'flags' for my playground base. I miss my childhood… Show, don't tell. This is too much telling, not enough showing.
Agent █████: Hm… Thank you for your time. This was an interesting interview. Have a good day.
<End Log, 17:07>
Closing Statement: Monetary compensation was given to the parental guardian before RPC-XXX was relocated to Site-016. No reports of the parental guardian's claims of the Authority were found online and the wreath became a neighbourhood tale for the children.
Again, why didn't they just lightly amnesticize the guy and his family, give them a fake wreath, and leave?
Addendum-02:
Test Logs
Test Log-01
Subject: CSD-2906
Description: A heart rate monitor was attached to CSD-2906 before being ordered to wear RPC-XXX without prior knowledge of its abilities. They complied without hesitation and wore RPC-XXX. Within five seconds, light blue Hydrangeas bloomed from RPC-XXX. CSD-2906's heart rate began to slow down as they stared blankly at the wall for ten seconds.
Results and Notes: When questioned about what they experienced, CSD-2906 claimed that they saw memories surge back into their mind relating to the Hydrangeas Again, awkward phrasing. CSD-0629 retold the memory from the past as "nostalgic" and "bitter-sweet", and told Telling staff that they saw their mother in the garden, tending to their dozens of Hydrangeas as CSD-2906 tended to their own small patch of light blue Hydrangeas.
Test Log-02
Subject: CSD-0005
Description: A heart rate monitor was attached to CSD-0005 before being ordered to wear RPC-XXX. CSD-0005 showed hesitance as they examined RPC-XXX and then donned finally wore it. Nymphaea nelumbo1 began to bloom from RPC-XXX. CSD-0005's heart rate increased, as did their breathing. The subject sat on the chamber floor and began crying. began to quicken as the subject started to breathe abnormally before sitting down on the floor and tears began to well up in their eyes.
Results and Notes: When questioned about their experience, CSD-0005 expressed anger against staff at first before retelling what they saw. CSD-0005 told staff that their memories gave them a 'heart-aching' feeling as they wore RPC-XXX. They saw memories of their parental guardian again, just give us a "father" or "mother" here. flashing before their eyes before abruptly ending at a memory which framed a gravestone of their parental guardian. CSD-0005 requested for amnestics to be administered to them. After consideration from Senior Researcher Dane ███████, amnestics were administered to CSD-0005 to prevent any mental or emotional problems in future tests.
Test Log-03
Subject: Senior Researcher Dane ███████
Description: A heart rate monitor was attached to Dane ███████ before he began to wear RPC-XXX. Telopea2 began to bloom around RPC-XXX. Dane ███████ began to smile as his heart rate began to slow down. He began shedding tears as he kept smiling. He took off RPC-XXX and left the testing room.
Results and Notes: When Dane ███████ was questioned about his experience, he began retelling a memory that he describes as "lovely". Dane ███████ claims that several memories flashed before his eyes that are linked to the flower which bloomed around RPC-XXX. Dane ███████ claims that he saw a large number of memories flashed in his mind that he couldn't see clearly what they were, but he understood their meaning otherwise.
All these logs should be in the past tense, and you've written them in present tense.
Test Log-04
Subject: Agent █████
Description: A heart rate monitor was attached to Agent █████ before wearing RPC-XXX around her head. Hibiscus3 began to bloom around RPC-XXX. Agent █████ began to examine a flower that she took from RPC-XXX, smiling as she felt the petals with her hand. She took RPC-XXX off of her head soon after.
Results and Notes: When questioned about her experience, Agent █████ claims that she did not see any past memories due to Hibiscus flowers having no ties to any memories that she retains. Although she did not see any memories during activation of RPC-XXX, she did claim that her mood has changed in a positive way. Agent █████ telling staff that she feels more confident about her physical appearance, calling herself; "As colourful and beautiful as a Hibiscus."
Overall, this is a cute, sentimental base concept, with some really weird tone. You almost go too clinical in places. It needs some heavy editing- try reading it out loud to get a better sense of where it does and does not flow. Keep working on it.
I love everything about this piece. It's got a nice wholesome balance to the nature of the object and it conveys the meaning rather well. I've not seen much issues that are already covered over by others. But to me, I feel the interview feels rather… disconnected in some places. It feels too clinical in regards to the rest of the article. This might be just me being nit picky but I'mma list off the issues.
"Agent █████: Good afternoon. Sorry if this interview causes any inconvenience. We'll ask some personal questions retaining the wreath that your child owns and the grandmother that gave it to them. Is that alright?"
Right after the second sentence there's a run on and it just worded rather weirdly. I'd suggest something along the lines of
"Good afternoon Mr. [REDACTED] I'm sorry if this interview is a cause of any inconvenience to you. We just need to ask you some personal questions regarding the wreath, your child and the grandmother."
Next…
"Father: Uh, okay. I guess it's alright. What's with all the guys in protective gear? Are there any cameras?"
Father's line doesn't exactly feel natural in this segment. Go along with something where he's a tad bit defensive. like…
"I… guess it's alright. I'm not in trouble or anything am I? Am I being videoed? What's with the armor?"
And you can follow up the agent's response with…
"Agent █████: Please be calm Mr. [REDACTED]. This interview's being documented in writing. You are not in trouble, and after we are done with this interview, we'll make sure you are financially compensated. However, I am going to have to ask you to keep your mouth shut about this. Okay?"
The agent's question after this is fine so no problem here.
This however… "Father: She was quite a charming old lady. She loved talking with my kid and often showed her some trinkets that she owned before she gave them away to charity."
Feels a bit monotonous imo. It could be just me but I'd tweak it a bit to make the father reminiscing about his mother a bit.
While I'm at this, note that you do not have to strictly follow clinical tones in interview segments. You can loosen up on here, especially when it comes to civilians.
"Agent █████: Were those trinkets exhibiting odd abilities?"
Try this instead:
"Did these trinkets she own… did they appear unnatural to you?"
And for here…
"Father: I'm not sure. I never interacted with them, my girl just tells me how amazing the trinkets were. She just tells me how cool they looked so they probably weren't odd."
Try:
"I am not sure. I only fiddled about with them on one or two occasions. My daughter was the only one that really played with them. As far as I'm aware, there was nothing unnatural about them."
"Agent █████: Interesting. So is the wreath the only one that exhibits odd abilities?"
Try "So the wreath was the only thing in your possession that behaved abnormally?"
Fix this segment up here:
"Father: Yup. That wreath was the last thing she that was given to us by my mother, before she passed away."
"Agent █████: My condolences for your mother's death… Anyways, let's continue. How did your mother get that wreath?"
I struck out segments cause it felt weirdly structured in this way.
"Agent █████: Interesting, seems like her friend had anomalous abilities… How old was she when she was given the wreath?"
I don't think the father exactly has to know about that does he? Make it something liike
"I think her friend might have a bit of a… gift."
Or just omit that first sentence out. You don't have to describe it outright that her friend has these properties. Just imply it. And you've already pretty much implied it in the father's story."
Everything after that though, was perfect. I liked how the father went into description about his experience. Though it could use a bit more emotion to describe his childhood experience before you end it off at "I miss my childhood."
All in all, a great read.
One of the things i'm noticing is how all your sentences are extremely short. For example: "RPC-XXX begins to sprout flowers within five seconds." This is a sentence that can be built upon, whether its through expanding on the details of the flowers sprouting or linking it to the next sentence like: "RPC-XXX begins to sprout flowers within five seconds with testing"
"The subject wearing RPC-XXX will begin to experience a change in their mood upon activation. Mood changes are affected by memories or emotions which the wearer associates to the flower."
Change that to:
"The subject wearing RPC-XXX will begin to experience an emotional change upon activation, usually coinciding with memories or emotions which the wearer associates to the flower."
"The subjects have reported experiencing vivid memories for approximately ten seconds. After wearing RPC-XXX, the subject's mood will remain unchanged for 24 hours."
Here's another example of 2 sentences that are short but can be expanded like so:
"Subjects have reported experiencing vivid memories for approximately ten seconds, with their overall mood remaining unchanged for 24 hours."
"The agent approached the group and questioned them about RPC-XXX. The group claim that it was owned by one of the children's grandmother."
Another example:
"The agent approached the group and questioned them about RPC-XXX, which they claimed was previously owned by one of their grandmothers."
"A recovery team was dispatched within an hour. The agent proceeded with an interview with the father once the recovery team arrived."
Another example. However i feel adding more information here would benefit it (problem is i have no idea what information that is, so i'll leave it to you.)
"Go on with the questions, █████."
I feel like the father would address him formally, like "Sir"
" I am not sure. I only fiddled about with them on one or two occasions. My daughter was the only one that really played with them. As far as I'm aware, there was nothing unnatural about them."
Dialogue needs a better flow, add more commas and "…" to make ti sound more realistic as such:
" I'm not sure, I only fiddled about with them on one or two occasions…my daughter was the only one that really played with them. As far as I'm aware, there was nothing unnatural about them."
" My condolences… Anyways, let's continue. How did your mother get that wreath?"
This just feels a little stilled…like he just wanted to say that and get it out of the way. Maybe removing the "Anyways" would help fix this
"Thank goodness. No need to bribe a whole neighbourhood…"
Why would the secret agent just say that in front of a civilian?
"and the wreath became a neighbourhood tale for the children."
Maybe add a bit to this:
"and Authority surveillance saw a neighbourhood tale appear of a wreath with blooming flowers."
Harold's testing results have WAY too much information compared to the others. I'd suggest keeping only relevant info in this part.
Overall i like this little idea, but you need to ensure sentences don't become too short and you need to fix the little inconsistencies i noticed
Father: Sure… You see all the sunflowers out on my lawn? My mother grew those every day since I was little and they just remind me of her…
This is a wholesome and very well done article. You've clearly worked hard on this, and I have nothing further to add that could make this better.
Good work.