The Harbingers of the un-built Destroyer
located here.
This is a bit long, but it needs to get some crit
The Harbingers of the un-built Destroyer
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(account deleted)I do not enjoy beating around the bush.
If i do not mention something than i have no criticism of it since its great.
Regardless:
Why is B-24 Omega and B-27 Epsilon?
One literally cannot be contained since it teleports and the other presents no threat to anything near its location. While the Writer's guide states that RPCs messing about with dimensions should be epsilon by default, I disagree. As there is only one way in and out of B-27 and nothing comes out of it there is no point for it to be Epsilon as it can be contained by a fence. Why B-24 should be Epsilon is easier to explain: It's beyond containment, the ability to track it =/= containment.
In my second point, i don't believe Addendum.3 and its accompanying "ATTENTION" improve the article. IMO they detract from it. While at first glance it reminds of RPC-313's dream log, I do not know at time of writing whether you wrote RPC-313 (I wouldn't be surprised. Its really good) or if you simply took inspiration from it. Disregarding the previous statements, i will know explain why the dream log works in 313 and why it doesn't fit here.
The Wellspring is, in a technical sense, an eldritch horror. The feelings it seeks to invoke are nearly identical to those instilled by Lovecraftian horror. Describing something the human mind cannot comprehend is incredibly difficult, which results in Lovecraft's signature writing style of quickly switching between abstract, seemingly disconnected, concept and concrete descriptions. The last thing Lovecraft does however, is attach a simple concept to the creature (I E "The Unnameable").
The Dream Sequence in 313 is the simple concept, technically. Do I think the water spring analogy could be transmitted in a shorter format? Yes. Do i think this makes the dream sequence obsolete? NO. RPC-313 is very light on explanations throughout the rest of the article. Without the dream, the title doesn't make sense as the entity at the center of the void doesn't "Produce" anything and is simply the epicenter of an expanding reality. After the readers reads the GD's confession, the title makes sense and since the whole article instills cosmic horror the shift in writing is as smooth as it can possibly be.
Now that i am done harping about what I just realized is probably my favorite article, let me explain why Addendum.3 breaks the article for me.
- The change in "atmosphere" is jarring. Unusual Construction equipment building anomalies that seem disjointed but are in fact part of carefully planned series instills a completely different "feeling" than "Harbingers of an Unborn God". Up to the cult shenanigans I though the "Harbingers" part was a metaphor and IMO the fact that it isn't doesn't aid the article.
- The dream log doesn't provide an analogy like 313, nor does it put the article in a new light like a twist should. Actually, it literally tells you what the anomaly is and what it's trying to achieve, demystifying a mystery makes it utterly uninteresting. "But who built them?!"; I dunno maybe humans when they started this stupid cycle of destruction, you mean to tell me the Destroyer has the ability to either teleport or instakill the entire human race but it can't grab the its own replication equipment? What?
- Here's a plot hole. The civilian's dream is the only hint that there is something that might stop the Authority from stopping the "Destroyer", but no entity is described or hinted at that could've done that damage. What the fuck stops the Auth from just planting C4 everywhere, does the equipment suddenly become hostile or do "sentinel" entities manifest?
Of course not presenting options on how to fix it would make look like an asshole so, without further delay:
- Stick to the First part of the RPC
- Remove Addendum.3, or rewrite it as a clinical description of current evidence.
- Cult shenanigans IMO should be dropped in favor of more descriptive dreams.
- The part about Staff members becoming RPC-X-43-A trough contracts with the entity. It just doesn't fit the established "Mystery machines" tone. Presumably scrap the whole entity that appears in dreams too since it sticks out like a sore thumb and the only question it raises is "Who the hell are you?" (Because you give no description of its appearance or personality; Also, really? An entity shows up in the dreams of Auth staff and they haven't ordered everyone to ask it questions the moment they slightly think they've encountered it?).
- The title "Harbingers of the Un-Built Destroyer" is enough for the reader to extrapolate what RPC-X-B-43 will do upon completion. Instead of the dream, describe various structures within B-43 that hint to its purpose (Anything from weapon factories, to cryogenic vats, to weather control machines; Alternatively, Use all three of these and more to make the reader wonder what the hell is going on! I suggest thinking up 2 or 3 purposes and hinting at all three.)
- Stick to the second part of the RPC
- First we need to restructure the nature of the RPC. Mostly to set a better tone of cosmic horror. Preferably while intriguing the reader; biomechanical anyone? nothing makes the mind ponder like a machine that bleeds. You could also make only one of the vehicles search for a new RPC-X-A and have the rest "relocate" trough perplexing means (I. E. Sinking into the ground and re-emerging at the target location like a fucking zombie. Creepy Portal shenanigans. FLIGHT, because a crane with bat wings flying trough the air at mach 1 is sure to fuck with some heads.)
- Make the RPCs and sub-anomalies seem less scientific. For instance, mannequins wear robes embroidered with runes of mysterious significance instead of normal construction clothes. Rain clouds around B-21 rain radioactive blood. Etc. Etc.
- Improve the dream log. You describe it as it "the pierced the heavens" twice, you might as well have the GD inner monologue about all the important evidence in the article for the effect it will have on the reader.
- Describe the "Entity". Does it have goals? What does it look like? Is it even sentient or some sort of "Automated response" much like a machine call operator? If not, does it have a backstory? Struggles? Does it guide the RPC? How many times has it done this? If it can alter history, does it consider the Authority a good thing or is it an unfortunate mistake?
Both of the aforementioned approaches can make a fantastic article. But making them share space benefits neither one of them.
TLDR; Two complete separate ideas are opposing in this article and you need to pick one of them and stick to it
Also! I am opened to being told I am idiot! If you wish to discuss my retardation further contact me on discord Phoenix322#0233.
Also don't beat yourself up. You obviously wrote this on bad day. All your other shit is god tier.
Update: The author, Chrome, has integrated by suggestions into the article and has made it much more focused.
I also believe the article is far more ambiguous on what the destroyer is and I consider it a major plus.
+5, no one can convince me otherwise.
Right!
What I liked
I like the idea of a bunch of construction vehicles building weird shit. It's not the most original thing, but I find it charming.
Also, the fairly vivid descriptions of the buildings also was rather fun to read, so good job!
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything.
A 4 meter high barbed wire fence is to be erected
This one's clinical tone is off a bit to me. I advise changing it to "A barbed wire fence standing at no lower than 4 meters is to be erected".
If one of these vehicles cannot reach the new RPC-XXX-A after a relocation event, then a Authority Mobile Reactor is to be transported via air to the RPC-XXX-A location.
I would change it to "In the event that" and "an Authority Mobile Reactor", btw.
During a relocation event, personnel are to evacuate from the RPC-XXX-A perimeter and MST Papa-4 ("Big Rig Vedas") is to be mobilized. During a relocation event Papa-4 will enact protocol Lambda-18 until RPC-XXX enters its active state.
It might help to combine these two sentences.
and have been anomalously modified to make them more effective at their respective tasks.
Ok, I don't know why, but this one feels a bit off, at least to me. I think it's because RPC-XXX are referred to as "them", aka a very unclinical term. How about switching it to "RPC-XXX-1/6"?
RPC-XXX-5 appears to have been crawler bulldozer.
RPC-XXX-5 appears to be a crawler bulldozer.
I have to admit, the clinical tone and grammar aren't there yet. Then again, this is a first draft so I'll suppose that you'll stamp the problems out eventually.
Structure and Lore
My first issue is that in this article, there are several pieces of Authority tech that may confuse me, as well as require a suspension of disbelief.
I'd like to know what a "Authority Mobile Reactor" is, for example. If it's a fission reactor, then I would be vary surprised that the Authority managed to miniaturize that when the rest of the world couldn't. Also, I'd like to know what an "Electromagnetic Polar Oscillator" is, so maybe add a footnote explaining it?
I'm also a bit skeptical on calling Containment Division "Protocol Labs".
Furthermore, I think that designating the equipment used in tracking down RPC-XXX in NATO code may be misleading. I mean, I think of MSTs when thinking of NATO codes so it might be better to use a different system.
Finally, I'm not so sure about giving this thing Omega designation. I mean, this thing doesn't intentionally breach containment, and it's actions are mostly negated with a fence. Wierd dreams can be explained away, so honestly I'd give it Beta class. Gamma is already stretching it, I suppose.
Content
As mentioned, I find the idea of a bunch of trucks building weird shit for no good reason to be incredibly charming.
However, the part about dreams is a bit confusing, given that nothing before the addendum seems to imply "this thing also gives you weird dreams". Also, "weird dreams" are a bit of a cliched idea so I suppose I would generally avoid it.
Narrative
I enjoyed the part about RPC-XXX's constructions, but again, it's tie-in to the Nivaldi seems a bit too out of place. Firstly, no implications on the Nivaldi were mentioned in the description. Secondly, the dreams don't mention RPC-XXX's role enough. Thirdly, it's just a bit too ambition. The narrative is functional when it's only the trucks and their weird constructions, but it starts to bloat when it becomes "trucks that build weird shit for our one true lord Nivaldi". I mean, it does answer the question of "why the trucks build weird shit", but it raises more questions.
This reminds me of 313 and 3007, but without the "cosmic" nature, nor without the needed structure. My immediate suggestion would be to cut out the parts about Nivaldi to reduce the scope and tie up loose ends, but since I'm not too familiar with them, if you really wanted to you can keep them. I would say that the component could be improved if the "dreams" were more explored and more integrated. Like, a lot more integrated.
Suggested Reading
RPC-313 and SCP-3007.
Good luck chrome! This is a very ambitious article so I really want to see you nail this!
first off, not a fan of the custom hazard (but thats just me)
and note: spelling errors will be corrected with underlined text
A barbed wire fence standing at no lower than 4 meters is to be erected around RPC-XXX-A, and is to be patrolled by ASF personnel at all times.
"standing at no lower than 4 meters" is a little oddly worded, makes me think they buried the fence
16 Spotlights are to be mounted on this fence, and focused on RPC-XXX at all times.
this also comes off as dangerously nonclinical, and is very underwhelming for an omega-class anomaly
These lights are to be powered by an Authority Mobile Reactor Truck. In the event that one of these vehicles cannot reach the new RPC-XXX-A after a relocation event, an Authority Mobile Reactor is to be transported via air to the RPC-XXX-A location.
why even mention this part tbh, it seems like this could just be condensed to "both the electrical equipment and containment setup are to be moved along with RPC-XXX-A"
im gonna skip the rest of the containment protocols because frankly it reads like useless filler (which is critique in of itself- i shouldn't want to skip the containment protocols)
RPC-XXX-B instances are always anomalous in nature, and should be treated as such.
isn't this obvious by the fact they're even labeled with an RPC designation?
Under no circumstances are personnel to purposely get within 50m of RPC-XXX-A, or RPC-XXX.
this reads as if they're allowed to do it accidentally
ENTITY INVESTIGATION PRIORITY: 21/07/2004 - PRESENT
Authority: The Board of Global Directors
Reasoning: Due to the nature in which RPC-XXX was discovered it's believed that RPC-XXX poses a much larger risk than what it currently displays.
again, though the formatting is nice, this seems like filler which should be customary with any omega-class threat. of course it's probably more dangerous than it displays, it's an omega anomaly
RPC-XXX is the designation given to the group of 6 biomechanical organisms that resemble construction vehicles. These organisms are individually designated RPC-XXX-1 through RPC-XXX-6 respectively, and have various anomalous abilities/modifications that make them more effective at their respective tasks than traditional construction vehicles.
this whole section could frankly use some trimming on the word count, it's incredibly verbose for something which could be explained in almost one sentence; "anomalously good biomechanical construction equipment"
RPC-XXX-1 resembles a front loader, that has extensive modifications to its loader lift arm, bucket, and hydraulic systems. Additionally, RPC-XXX-1's wheels have been replaced by wheel shaped organs made from a combination of flesh and bone.
part of me wonders how they got such precise material measurements of the things, did they do an autopsy or something?
RPC-XXX-1's wheels have the ability to change into leg like structures which allow RPC-XXX-1 to traverse terrain that would be far too extreme for a regular front loader. While in an active state RPC-XXX-1 will dig foundations for RPC-XXX-B, and load the removed terrain into RPC-XXX-6.
this is written as if i, the reader, currently know what both XXX-B and XXX-6 are, when you havent given me that information yet. therefore this paragraph barely says anything other than "the wheels can turn into legs"
RPC-XXX-2 is in the shape of a hydraulic excavator.
this is some odd wording, it implies that it's "in the shape" of an excavator, the usage of "in" implying that it isn't always an excavator
RPC-XXX-2 is capable of drastically increasing the length of its boom and arm by separating at various seems allowing the flesh like material underneath the metal hull to expand.
seams*, and again this seems a little odd to me, how close does the authority get to these things to have such precise descriptions of each one? how long has this been happening?
During an active state RPC-XXX-2 will dig molds for RPC-XXX-3 in order to make parts for RPC-XXX-B.
it has an inactive state? this is never mentioned
The mixing drum on RPC-XXX-3 is completely hollow and houses a large biomechanical organ that is capable of producing a wide variety of chemicals by currently unknown means.
how did we find out what's inside the mixing drum? these paragraphs keep hinting at some kind of construction site autopsy, but we never get one
During an active state RPC-XXX-3 will pour unknown chemicals into molds created by RPC-XXX-2, to create components for RPC-XXX-B.
seriously again, where's the inactive state mentioned?
capable of projecting energy beams that are used by RPC-XXX-4 to move objects,
haha what? i think this needs some elaborating on please
Additionally, RPC-XXX-4 possesses the ability to strengthen the ground beneath it.
everything else is so detailed, why is the section on RPC-XXX-4 so lackluster? these seem like incredibly important and interesting anomalous affects that are only ever mentioned in throwaway lines
The blade and all mechanisms related to it have been replaced by an array of structures resembling eyes and other biological components that are capable of projecting cold plasma, taking the shape of the blade.
cold plasma? correct me if i'm wrong, and i most likely am, but that's not a thing
RPC-XXX-5 can form the plasma into other equipment such as drills, pile drivers, lifts, and ect.
LIFTS? wouldn't that burn whatever it's lifting?
RPC-XXX-6 is almost in distinguishable from a non-anomalous monster dump truck.
indistinguishable is one word
The only observed difference between RPC-XXX-6 and a traditional monster dump truck, appears to be the replacement of the standard hydraulic tipper with a biomechanical organ resembling a hydraulic system.
this is incredibly detailed for something im assuming is inside the machine
RPC-XXX-6 is capable of converting matter in its bucket into building materials and other objects.
"and other objects"? can it convert anything into anything else? what?
These materials can range in complexity from simple steel rebar to complex electrical systems.
made from scrap metal and dirt? where do they get the shit required to build electrical systems? god?
When RPC-XXX is in an active state it will build (a) structure(s) referred to as RPC-XXX-B, in area designated as RPC-XXX-A. The presence of light has been been observed to reduce the productivity of RPC-XXX, as it's more productive during the night. RPC-XXX is unable to detect human life, making RPC-XXX-A a hazard zone. No limit to the complexity of structures that RPC-XXX is able to make has been discovered, as RPC-XXX has been seen creating complex computer systems.
this whole paragraph should have been placed near the top of the description, so the flow of the article actually makes sense
The reason for RPC-XXX's reduced productivity during the day is believed to be the result of the optical devices used in RPC-XXX being over stimulated.
but doesn't that one use literal plasma lightsaber drills? wouldn't that overstimulate your optical devices to utter hell?
Additionally, RPC-XXX will avoid areas with a rapidly fluctuating magnetic field, presumably due to RPC-XXX perceiving it as a potential hazard.
this seems kinda tacked on for no distinguishable reason
Upon completion of RPC-XXX-B, RPC-XXX will begin a relocation event. During a relocation event, RPC-XXX will leave RPC-XXX-A and move at approximately 50km/h towards the nearest road or highway in a single file line.
how does the authority contain multiple eye-covered cyborg vehicles driving down the highway?
RPC-XXX will make no effort to avoid collisions with vehicles it encounters on the road and will commonly run them over or off the road.
again how does the authority cover this up
RPC-XXX-B is the designation given to the structures created by RPC-XXX. RPC-XXX-B always display anomalous properties of some kind. When RPC-XXX-B enters an active state, the area in which RPC-XXX is constructing RPC-XXX-B is designated as RPC-XXX-A. While in an active state, RPC-XXX will completely ignore human subjects within RPC-XXX-A, and completely focus on the creation of RPC-XXX-B. RPC-XXX is able to produce an RPC-XXX-B instance in a time span of roughly 3-4 months, with the quickest time of construction being 2 weeks and the longest being 16 months.
this seems like basic filler description, it doesn't tell me what RPC-XXX-B actually is other than "structures"
Certain subjects that have knowledge about RPC-XXX will occasionally have dreams in which they report having a conversation with an unknown entity, designated as RPC-XXX-C. Only subjects that have either work experience in construction or similar trades, knowledge/experience in industrial manufacturing, or a degree in an appropriate field will receive these types of dreams.
how does the authority track who has what dreams worldwide
RPC-XXX-C itself is described as being humanoid with an appearance similar to that of a mannequin.
nitpicking, but, "mannequin humanoid" is something of an RPC trope now, so i suggest something more unique
RPC-XXX-C is also always described as wearing a black and white robe with various unknown runes on it,
"runes" isn't very clinical, unless it's actual nordic runes (the written language)
it try to convince the subject to sell their services to RPC-XXX-C.
sell their services? that phrasing could be vastly improved
also, you shove a bunch of important stuff at the very bottom (discovery, cults, interviews and descriptions of RPC-XXX-B) when they should very well be farther up in the description. the longevity of this article doesn't do it any good, rather i'd argue it makes it much more a chore to read when half of it reads like a high school essayist trying to meet the word count requirement for his english class. honestly, needs monumental polishing.
i will say the concept and eventual execution are pretty dang good, although the poem at the end cliché has been done to death. if this was posted in it's current state i'd give it maybe a 4/5, but only because i'm something of a softie for "eldritch" articles.
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