Containment Protocol:
RPC-XXX is hung up in a standard humanoid containment cell with a window covering the wall facing the hallway; a curtain covers the window.
Wonk clinical tone, reword to: "RPC-XXX is to be hung in a standard humanoid containment cell containing a window facing the hallway. This window is to be obscured by a curtain."
Also, what hallway? The hallway leading to the containment chamber, or is there a hallway inside said chamber?
RPC-XXX-2 is ordered not to make noise, or harass passersby. Should RPC-XXX-2 infringe with given orders, privileges are to be revoked and the curtain will be closed.
Why not make the chamber soundproof? Also, RPC-XXX-2 shouldn't even be given extended privileges. Why should containment protocol be risked just so the Authority can appeal to it?
Description:
RPC-XXX is a mirror being 1.8 meters horizontally and 1.7 meters vertically.
Condense to: "RPC-XXX is a mirror measuring 1.8 m x 1.7 m."
RPC-XXX has no frame and is made of non-anomalous glass.
Small adjustments here: "RPC-XXX lacks a frame and composed of regular glass."
The anomaly associated with RPC-XXX is that it acts as a window between both the alternate-dimension inside RPC-XXX (designated as RPC-XXX-1) and the other side of RPC-XXX.
Let's refurbish this statement: "RPC-XXX produces an effect resulting in a spatial anomaly that allows it to bridge between an alternate dimension (designated RPC-XXX-1) and the current reality."
RPC-XXX-1 is an exact copy of the reflection displayed, everything not reflected by RPC-XXX is described as a “black void” by RPC-XXX-2.
Remove the latter part of the sentence after the comma. Do not detail anything of RPC-XXX-2 until you explain exactly what it is.
Also, condense this to: "RPC-XXX-1 is an identical variation of the reflection produced."
RPC-XXX-2 is a caucasian male, aged between 20 and 30 years, standing at 1.80 meters and weighing 70kg.
'Caucasian' is an outdated scientific term, my recommendation is either 'European' or 'white.' Omit the height and weight, unless we somehow got it to stand still and allow for us to measure and weigh it, which is unlikely.
RPC-XXX-2 has jet black hair, and wears a pair of black goggles it claims it cannot remove. Researchers, who have viewed RPC-XXX-2's face from various angles, have confirmed RPC-XXX-2 does not have eyes.
Condense your description, don't dabble too much on every specific personal detail of RPC-XXX-2: "RPC-XXX-2 maintains a normal outward appearance, with the exception of a pair of black goggles obscuring its eyes; RPC-XXX-2 claims said goggles are irremovable. Observations of RPC-XXX-2 from various angles indicates an absence of eyes."
RPC-XXX-2 is always seen wearing green jeans, a plain blue T-shirt, and red sneakers.
Omit this part. Focus on the anomaly.
RPC-XXX-2 has an eccentric personality. RPC-XXX-2 speaks excessively and is easily distracted. Despite RPC-XXX-2's situation, it is in a constant state of euphoria.
These three sentences can be merged into one condensed variant: "RPC-XXX-2 exhibits various behavioral impulses, highlighted by eccentricity, excessive dialogue, euphoria, and short attention span."
It is unclear if this is because of its ignorance to the nature of its predicament or due to unknown factors.
This should be a footnote proceeding the last sentence.
RPC-XXX-2 does not need sustenance of any kind.
Rewrite this to: "RPC-XXX-2 does not require any form of sustenance."
RPC-XXX-2 cannot meaningfully interact with anything in RPC-XXX-1, it can touch things but not move or change them, also RPC-XXX-1 doesn’t leave any imprints or evidence of it’s existence.
Let's change this to: "RPC-XXX-2 cannot meaningfully interact with the environment reflected in RPC-XXX-1. This is indicated by its ability to establish physical contact with said objects, but not shift or alter them. No residue is left behind by RPC-XXX-2 following contact with an item."
When RPC-XXX-2 is asked about how it has gotten inside RPC-XXX, it either gives conflicting answers or claims it doesn’t know, most researchers suggest it is simply the latter.
Let's alter this to: "RPC-XXX-2 provides an inconclusive answer as to its current predicament within RPC-XXX-1, often providing conflict information or ambiguity."
So, you're on the right track here. But this article is rather lack-lustrous. The initial premise of the anomaly is enticing, but we're ultimately cut off with basically a reflected, mini-pocket dimension with a guy inside of it. There are no anomalous effects to exhibit that this piece is capable of standing out from the rest, and my recommendation for you is to expand on what happens when the mirror is obscured, prohibiting any reflections to take place.
Does RPC-XXX-2 somehow materialize in the world without knowing? Are there any consequences of letting the mirror be obstructed? Is RPC-XXX-2 capable of producing anything noteworthy or hazardous if it is left without any reflection? Focus on these aspects of the article and develop it more.
For now, this is not ready, take the time to correct the errors in grammar in tone that I've suggested above before you transition onto developing the idea.
Here is my criticism
Hazard Types: None
This should be changed to
Hazard Types: Sapient Hazard, Visual Hazard, Mind-Control Hazard
RPC-XXX is to be hung in a sound-proofed humanoid containment cell
This should be changed to
RPC-XXX is to be secured in a sound-proof humanoid containment cell monitored 24 hours a day so as to observe any possibly change. RPC-XXX is not to be brought in front of any reflective surface, any attempts to do so require permission from two Level 3 Scientists.
Any subjects or personnel that have viewed RPC-XXX from this angle, are to be detained and subjected to testing in order to find a cure to RPC-XXX's effects.
RPC-XXX lacks a frame and is composed of non-anomalous glass.RPC-XXX produces an effect resulting in a spatial anomaly that allows it to bridge between an alternate dimension (designated RPC-XXX-1) and the reality opposite of it.
Should be changed to
RPC-XXX lacks a frame and is composed of non-anomalous glass. RPC-XXX produces an effect which results in a spatial anomaly that allows it to bridge between an alternate dimension (designated RPC-XXX-1) and the reality opposite of it.
(I added a space)
Hazard Types: (idk what to point here yet after reading the article help me out)
Definitely put something related to reality: extra-dimensional hazard is a given, perhaps teleportation hazard as a representation of the man's in the mirror ability to move items to our dimension. Also, add sapient hazard. I think that will be enough.
RPC-XXX is a mirror measuring 1.5 m x 1.6 m.
Now, I want to ask you - is the mirror really the RPC in here? Or perhaps the RPC should be the guy in the mirror, while the mirror itself is just his means of communication with our world? Think about it a bit more, in my opinion the RPC should be the focal point of the article, and the mirror only shows the guy - of what we know, it has nothing to do with the teleportation of items behind the buyer. It's not a cardinal mistake, or a mistake at all, I just want you to consider the focus here.
RPC-XXX-2 is a caucasian male that resides within RPC-XXX-1, aged between 20 and 30 years,
That's very wide possible age. Make it a bit more precise, it's often pretty easy to distinguish a 20 year old from a 30 year old.
standing at 1.80 meters weighing 70kg.
I can believe that we've established his possible height, but how the hell did the foundation come up with his weight?! Anyway, I'd add "around" before both digits.
this is most likely just part of it’s persona, if this is truly the case it’s true personality is unknown.
I'd make this a separate sentence and replace the comma between clauses with a dash. And add a comma after "the case."
Also
*its
[…] effect is that it is willing __ barter 10
*willing to barter
These items could be completely dangerous to completely safe.
First of all - add a space after the first footnote. Regarding the sentence - don't use words like "completely" twice if not necessary. Maybe transform the sentence to something in lines of "These items' hazard/danger/safety/whatever level can range from completely safe to extremely dangerous" - if you write the dangerous second, you put more emphasis on it.
Even though this is the case RPC-XXX-2 claims the price relates to the item.
Add a comma after "the case."
If every item in stock is bought RPC-XXX-2 will restock exactly an hour later.
Add a comma after "bought." Overall, revise the article in regards of the punctuation, you lack commas in quite a few places1 and I don't feel the need to point every single one of them here, as not to bloat this reply.
they will be simply be […]
This one I don't have to explain ^^
[…] replaced with another 10 items the next 24 hours and there is a chance it could be bought another time.
Regarding the first underlining - this form isn't too formal. Add a preposition there. Regarding the second - change it to something like "there is a chance these items could appear at another time."
[…] but is willing to sell information for exchange of anything of its choosing.
*in exchange for
When an item is bought, it will appear behind the buyer exactly 5 minutes later.
Regardless of where they're standing? 5 minutes is quite a lot in this case, the buyer might walk away and, for example, lean against a wall - will the item appear inside of that wall in this case?
Foreword:
I'm not sure if this should be a foreword, Maybe something like "retrieved items log?" I don't really know myself tbh.
RPC-XXX-3
I've already told you my stand point on these items all having different numbers. It's very problematic and confusing, especially since you've already have XXX-1 and XXX-2 which are NOT bought items. Maybe go with a single number for all items and add a letter (XXX-3a, XXX-3b etc.) or a Roman numeral (XXX-3-I, XXX-3-II etc.)?
Two goldfish and an infant gorilla heart
And the madmen gave it to him! I really like this one.
Researchers and staff alike think it is written in modern english
So it's just written with a horrible handwriting, like a medical prescription. Am I getting this right?
it then develops the physical characteristics of a living male human all within the span of one minute.
This should be a separate sentence, not a clause.
RPC-XXX-2 has never interacted with Dr. Lane prior or following this point
She never asked him to give the collection back? Come on, this has potential for an interview/experiment log, or even a short tale, in which she asks for her collection while it's not among the sold items!
Immediately after receiving the bag RPC-XXX-2 dumped the contents onto the floor. Then afterwards said “Did you forget or something? I don’t eat!”
This one legitimately made me chuckle the first time I read that.
I'll also repeat what I told you in the Discord - focus more on the Man in the Mirror. Give him an interview where he introduces himself, perhaps you could even give him a name. Then you also should expand on him giving away some information in exchange for items - that's a very intriguing concept, what information does he possess? Is it some random shit, or maybe he can tell the location of some dangerous uncontained anomaly?
Besides that, again, revise of the punctuation. Once you're done with fixing grammar, I fully approve of this article. If you play your cards well, I might even give it 5 stars.
Hop on the crit train, choo choo
Containment Protocols: RPC-XXX is to be hung in a sound-proofed humanoid containment cell. First of all, these Containment Protocols are too bare-bones. All they say is "keep it in this room". What site is it contained at? What is it hung on?
Description: First of all, split up this gigantic wall of text into a few paragraphs, good god! RPC-XXX is a mirror measuring 1.8 m x 1.7 m. RPC-XXX lacks a frame and is composed of non-anomalous glass. RPC-XXX produces an effect resulting in a spatial anomaly that allows it to bridge between an alternate dimension (designated Designated RPC-XXX-1) and the reality opposite of it. Can RPC-XXX-2 walk through the mirror into our world, or is it trapped within? Specify! RPC-XXX-1 is an identical variation of the reflection produced, everything not reflected by RPC-XXX is described as a “black void” by RPC-XXX-2. Move this somewhere after RPC-XXX-2's description. RPC-XXX-2 is a caucasian male, aged between 20 and 30 years, standing at 1.80 meters and weighing 70kg. RPC-XXX-2 maintains a normal outward appearance, with the exception of a pair of black goggles obscuring its eyes; RPC-XXX-2 claims said goggles are irremovable. Observations of RPC-XXX-2 from various angles confirms confirm an absence of eyes. RPC-XXX-2 exhibits various behavioral impulses, highlighted by eccentricity, excessive dialogue, euphoria, and a short attention span. Move the footnote to after the word "euphoria". RPC-XXX-2 does not require any form of sustenance. RPC-XXX-2 cannot meaningfully interact with the environment reflected in RPC-XXX-1. This is indicated by its ability to establish physical contact with said objects, but not shift or alter them. No residue is left behind by RPC-XXX-2 following contact with an item. RPC-XXX-2 provides an inconclusive answer as to its current predicament within RPC-XXX-1, often providing conflicting information or ignorance. RPC-XXX has a memetic affect effect that is triggered when a human other then than RPC-XXX-2 observes a mirror facing RPC-XXX. This affect effect manifests in an obsession with the so called “beautiful fractals” seen in the mirror, These "beautiful fractals" come out of nowhere, and "so called" is non-clinical. this becomes a need to show the meme to any human possible by any means necessary. How do they show it? This includes deceiving others to think they are not under control of the meme. How do they do this? It isn't established that people can know if they, themselves are under the effects of RPC-XXX. No amnestics are able to reverse the effects of the meme.
Foreword: A test was done to observe the effects of placing a mirror in front of RPC-XXX, facing it.1 How did they even know what happened when a mirror was placed in front of RPC-XXX? If they didn't know before, why were they even testing this?
Dr. Puer: Ok, do you hear me RPC-XXX-2? If you do, please look at the mirror on our side and tell me what you see.
RPC-XXX-2: Ok I’m lookin at it doctor and I don’t see nothin, just a black void like the one at the end of my world. Reword this to: Ok, I'm lookin' at it and I don't see nothin'. Just a black void like before.
Just a note: Try to avoid characters that refer to researchers as nothing but "doc" and "doctor". It's really overused, and is just a barebones character cliché.
Dr. Puer: Are you sure, RPC-XXX-2? Can you confirm that you cannot see anything else?
RPC-XXX-2: No… I don- Wait I see something! Reword to: No, I don't– wait, I see something!
Dr. Puer: What do you see?
RPC-XXX-2: I see the word "disappointment" in big bold letters!
Dr. Puer: Is this true? Can you confirm this?
RPC-XXX-2: No you dumbass! Like I said before I don’t see nothin! Reword to: No, you dumbass! Like I said before, I don't see nothin'!
Dr. Puer: Ok RPC-XXX-2 I understand, we’re going to bring in CSD-1234 please don’t speak to the subject when he walks in. Reword to: Ok RPC-XXX-2, I understand. We're going to bring in CSD-1234. Please don't speak to the subject when he walks in.
CSD-1234 is the most uncreative name in an article I've ever seen.
RPC-XXX-2: Ok whatever you say, doc. Reword to: Whatever you say.
CSD-1234 is escorted into the cell
Dr. Puer: Do you hear me CSD-1234?
Not gonna crit the rest of the test, as it would take forever. Just be aware that there's lots of problems.
Anyways, this is just a really bad article. I'm sorry to say, I really am, but this is just really poorly-written with lots of errors in clinical tone. The dialogue in the test log doesn't feel organic. Here's a tip: Speak the dialogue out loud, and see how it sounds.
I'd give this 1 star if it was on the main site in its current state. Sorry.
blabbo
my main concern about the article is the hazards of the article itself and the test itself
the ideal hazards can be this ones: Sapient Hazard, Visual Hazard, Mind-Control Hazard
and the test itself makes almost no sense.
ill recommend to think about your article in a more detailed way and read about the hazards more
What test I removed that a long time ago refresh the page or something
standard secure container
standard security container*
monitored at all times to observe any possible change.
Two options:
It is to be monitored* » start a new sentence.
and is to be monitored* » conjunction
observe any possible change.
observe for* any possible change.
RPC-XXX lacks a frame and is composed of indestructible glass.
What purpose does having an indestructible glass have to the main narrative thread?
RPC-XXX-1 is composed of only 3 walls, ceiling, and floor all composed of wood,
a ceiling, and a floor, which are all composed of wood,*
RPC-XXX-2 is a caucasian male that is entrapped within RPC-XXX-1, aged between 20 and 25 years, standing at around 1.80 meters and by judging body type is estimated to be about 70kg.
I think Enkrum said this before, but caucasian is an outdated scientific term. Go with European or white male.
Ask yourself, while yes they can make rough estimates as to its weight and definitely measure its height, what parts are necessary?
I would argue you could cap this off at "RPC-XXX-2 is a caucasian male that is entrapped within RPC-XXX-1 standing at 1.80m." We don't need to know its weight, we don't need to know its age. As these things aren't brought up again and the main function of your anomaly is that this guy is essentially a "monkey's paw" anomaly. He gives you your wishes for a price. That should be the focus.
RPC-XXX-2 maintains a normal outward appearance,
You're using "RPC-XXX…" to start every sentence in the description, which makes your sentences far more rigid. Here is a list of starting words for sentences. Please read them and reformat the beginning of your sentences, as this will allow for a smoother experience for readers going from one sentence to another.
RPC-XXX-2 possesses an erratic personality, it is always trying to sell an item by making various jokes or acting kind.
RPC-XXX-2 is known to sell items to subjects that converse with it. RPC-XXX-2 exhibits various behavioral impulses, highlighted by eccentricity, excessive dialogue, euphoria, and short attention span.*
The secondary sentence was taken from the crit above this from Enkrum's criticism. I suggest you reapply his critique as most of it sort of answered the weird spelling and grammar errors in your draft.
Access Item List+
Right before the log here….
When an item is bought it will appear in a location the buyer visits frequently 5 minutes later.
Think of the logistics. Why has it be the location they frequent when you can just have it manifest via the mirror itself. By pointing to completely different locations, your moving past the reason why you made a mirror with a guy in it and forcing the reader to accept an entirely new anomaly which comes in the form of instantiating items literally anywhere globally.
Keep it simple. Manifest the anomalous items *using* the mirror. Use your limited scope thus far so that you do not force the reader to break their suspension of disbelief, on something that honestly seems like its completely unrelated to the mirror or to properties of reflection /this specific spatial anomaly.
forced out of RPC-XXX-3 via the sphincter.
You mean after it's been surgically placed into the subject, it ejects it out of the subject's sphincter? I'm not understanding this.
indiscernible writing on it.3
Footnotes should be reserved for
- giving the Latin name for a given thing
- describing a necessary component that the reader needs to have, but it can't fit in the paragraph.
Ask yourself. Do I really need to know its indescribable? You already said it was. Just say:
"A bejeweled ritual knife with a golden blade with illegible English present on the shaft."
In this state if RPC-XXX-4 is asked a question concerning the human male anatomy it will answer with complete accuracy and if necessary will cut a component of its body to answer the question.
Use an if-clause to start the sentence.
"If RPC-XXX-4 is asked a question concerning human anatomy, it will sever the organ, limb, or region specified in the question." or something to this effect. You wouldn't even need the RPC-XXX-4 to get the answer correct. I don't necessarily understand why it would need to answer trivia questions?
The latter sentences are extremely confusing and require reformatting.
RPC-XXX-7 is a black foot with the same superficial shape as a rabbit’s.
Change to RPC-XXX-3E for all RPC-XXX-7 mentions.
Interview Log
Dr. Puer: I want to know your story, how you got inside this mirror, and how you started this profession in the first place.
This is an extremely loaded question. Just ask "How did you get inside this mirror?" And you would essentially have the same effect as asking all three of them.
Think of the ambitions of your characters. Your Researcher should want to pry answers but in a very coherent manner. So he wouldn't shotgun three questions at once. He would ask one at a time, possibly leading the anomaly into the dialogue answers he specifically wants.
This also applies for your humanoid.
<RPC-XXX-2 chews loudly then spits out the remnants of the chocolate on the floor.>
This is fairly edgy dialogue for several reasons. One, even though it states he's erratic in behavior, it eliminates the reason for bartering.
Let me ask you.
Why do 7/11 storeowners open shop? They have items to sell, right? Why do they sell say packs of cigarettes? What so they can eat the dollar bills, for laughs and giggles?
No. They do it, same reason as anyone does it in a capitalist system. They depend on the money. Soon as you eliminate the reason for your humanoid to even barter in the first place, that there's not even a need or rule that the humanoid must abide by in order to commit to a transaction, you lose your reader. Because there's no point to the anomaly, the persona, nor the transaction.
The humanoid clearly does not need to do this and becomes just a regular artifact that does random shit to people for giggles.
Rethink the motivation of your humanoid. Why does he need to barter items? What's its internal logic for approximating cost?