I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."
Perturbed, Detective Keller made his way onto the man he saw standing just outside…
Keller was enraged by the suspect that Detective Harper had given a street makeup that he ignored all his interrogation training.
This sentence is really awkward and took like 10 re-reads to understand.
Edited:
Keller was so enraged by the suspect who was given a street makeup by Detective Harper to the point that that he ignored all of his interrogation training.
Even then it feels awkward, most likely because of the joke that interdicts between the sentence. It's trying to convey Keller's sentiment towards the suspect while simultaneously making a joke about the pummeling that Harper did to the suspect, and it doesn't come off clear as to what the text is trying to say. I think it would work to separate these two ideas in the tale.
I like.
first off, why is it in a special font? i'm nitpicking but the font change is unneeded
Detective Keller’s pupils contracted as the blistering summer sun pierced through his eye’s lenses. He disembarked his unmarked cruiser while making sure he doesn’t touch the raw steel of the door frame.
this is a very "meh" intro. this is somewhat based on personal preference, but, if this is supposed to be your standard noire private investigator cop story bullshit, starting your tale with "[character name] did thing and did other thing" certainly doesn't convey that tone right off the bat.
The cruiser was parked just across the street from the crime scene which he was called just one hour prior. It was quite a feat for Detective Keller to be able to arrive so soon; traffic was on his side.
there's very little actual description here, like, where is he exactly? why is it such a feat? what city is this? when is this? who even is this person, other than a person with eyes? all i know based solely on what you've told me is that this person does in fact have eyes, and is a detective
The crime scene was located within a landfill just outskirts of New York City—the entry gates were adorned with yellow lines and the New York’s finest. Bystanders were prowling around the chain link fence, creating a barrier between the civilized and the malevolent. All different classes of people striving to satisfy their curiosity.
repetition with "the crime scene", also, why not make this the same paragraph as the former? it would certainly help it flow better and negate all the questions i was asking
As Detective Keller strode onwards, he donned his trusty latex gloves that he always carried a pair on his murky charcoal suit; just in case, because either way, he’s willing to plunge his hand into filth—and he was keen to keep his methods clean.
again, you're giving us all this description after the actual intro, when it should probably come first. it's technically a matter of personal preference, but, it would certainly make it flow better
it's really late and i wrote this huge thing critiquing the rest of this tale, but honestly i'll just sum it up
a lot of these paragraphs would be better served being rewritten and combined, and honestly the tale could be expanded exponentially in length. sorry this is so short, i had a huge thing written, but i'm really fucking tired
Ok, tales aren't my forte but I'll see what I can do.
I like the story as a setup, but not enough as an independent article. There's the rising action (learning about the organization), but no falling action. I think the scope of this article is too large for a short story. Unless you want this to be a series, in which case I think enclosing the first article in it's own "decent" narrative while having the larger narrative would help.
I think content-wise, it would be best to relocate the information obtained in the latter half to the first half, so that you have enough space for some falling action. Maybe have the caught person provide a name that soon gets arrested for enclosement, as well as a larger group such that there's a larger "narrative".
Also, this is not exactly linked to any objects atm. I think this may disconnect it from the RPC universe, as this just sounds like a normal cop with a normal case. Maybe have this guy be from Echo-8, or have a known anomaly be used.
When in doubt, I recommend referencing Fifth's Dragstrip Librarian.
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/a-dragstrip-librarian
Good luck Hells!