http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/october-contest-tarb-and-kaiser-general-winter
Contest entry collab
Authors: ICFD (aka Kaiser), TheGreatTarbolin69 and SticksNTricks
All crit is welcome
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/october-contest-tarb-and-kaiser-general-winter
Contest entry collab
Authors: ICFD (aka Kaiser), TheGreatTarbolin69 and SticksNTricks
All crit is welcome
Crit
Sentence: "…casualties caused by winter (on) said conflicts."
Suggestion: (on) = in
Sentence: "…all individuals involved (on) its making are to be tracked…"
Suggestion: (on) = in
Sentence: "MST X-Ray-6 are to (then) be () deployed…"
Suggestion: (then) = [Delete] / () = immediately
Sentence: "Interestingly, the entity's effects seem to be reduced on Russian troops as well."
Suggestion: Rewrite in Medical Tone
Sentence: " I do not want to believe what I saw (in) battlefield…"
Suggestion: (in) = on the
Sentence: I (fell) like I'm going crazy, I (fell) like it is following me…"
Suggestion: (fell) = feel
Sentence: "…during the French invasion of Russia in 1812 under Napoleon."
Suggestion: Rephrase sentence i.e. "…during the 1812 French Napoleonic invasion of Russia…"
Sentence: "…remain unknown to the Authority, ancient(s) tablets and drawings…"
Suggestion: (s) = [Delete]
Sentence: "…while (sorrunded) by men carrying burning scarecrows,
Suggestion: (sorrunded) = surrounded
Sentence: "…damaged or worn out to make sense of them, (altough)…"
Suggestion: (altough) = although
Sentence: "…government (achieved) the requirements necessary for RPC-887…"
Suggestion: (achieved) = triggered
Sentence: "… and walked away, vanishing (in) the snow."
Suggestion: (in) = into
Sentence: "The civilians, the ones that saw what (happened), anyway, were in absolute shock about what (happened)."
Suggestion: Replace one of the two (happened) with a synonym
Overall Crit Thoughts: I liked the article, it tells an interesting story bit by bit. Some information that is already said is sometimes repeated, but overall the story is solid.
Containment Protocols:
All media, both visual and written including RPC-887
Include a comma after 'written', place "including RPC-887" in parenthesis.
to ensure it is only a work of fiction and not an actual sighting, should the latter be the case,
Alter this to: "to ensure existing entries are depicted as fictional and do not constitute actual sightings." Begin a new sentence following this.
should the latter be the case, all individuals involved in its making are to be tracked and given amnestics.
As mentioned in the prior correction, this should be a new sentence. Alter the tone as well to: "In the event of a breach, witness responsible for documenting said sightings are to be tracked and administered amnestics."
Description:
metal statue of King Rurik
I recommend you include a footnote explaining who King Rurik is, as most readers likely haven't heard of this historical figure before.
While the object is in its inactive state, it acts as a non-anomalous statue, and does not pose a threat to anyone around it.
Wonk on the clinical tone a little bit, let's fix (and condense) this: "While inert, RPC-887 does not exhibit any anomalous properties."
RPC-887 will only enter its active state when the state of Russia is invaded by a force of sufficient size and threat.
In my opinion, I recommend you work more with a present tense, rather than future. I feel as though it flows better and causes less clutter.
The ideology and/or nature of the Russian state at the time of activation is irrelevant to the activation process.
Reframe to: "The properties of said event are not altered by the political climate of Russia relative to the time of activation."
It should be noted that RPC-887 will not leave the de-jure lands of Russia, and will take on a purely defensive strategy.
Reword slightly to: "RPC-887 does not proceed beyond the extent of Russia's sovereign territory, instead exclusively adopting a defensive strategy."
While active, temperatures within a 1000 meter radius of RPC-887 will fall drastically, with the lowest recorded temperature reaching lower than -60°C.
Replace 'will fall' -> 'decline.' I recommend the documentation regarding the lowest temperature be instead compressed into a footnote.
Such temperatures cause numerous problems for invading forces, and frequently lead to severe casualties. In addition, RPC-887 is known to engage in ambush tactics, where it will attack isolated enemy groups, this attacks can be identified by the frozen human carcasses left behind.
Reframe a little bit to: "Said decrease in temperature inflicts various complications for invading military forces, resulting in significant casualties. RPC-887 additionally engages in ambushes, preferring to attack isolated units."
RPC-887 is anomalously fast and difficult to find. The entity is capable of traversing distances that would normally take weeks to travel in a matter of days, provided it is within the Russian landscape. In addition, RPC-887 does not appear on any known tracking systems, and is nearly constantly surrounded by poor weather conditions. This makes tracking RPC-887 nigh impossible.
Some redundancies in this paragraph, so let's correct it to: "RPC-887 exhibits significantly increased speed, being able to traverse long distances in brief periods of time. RPC-887 is additionally encompassed by a concentration of inclement weather relative to its position. This property, along with RPC-887's speed, produces a highly evasive nature to tracking equipment attempting to discriminate RPC-887's current position."
It should be noted that the entity's effects seem to be somewhat mitigated for Russian personnel. RPC-887 will also never attack Russian troops for any reason. The degree of control RPC-887 has over its effects, and how it is able to control these effects, is currently under investigation.
Reword to: "RPC-887's effects do not appear to affect Russian military personnel. This preclusion additionally extends to RPC-887 refusing to attack said personnel, even if met with aggression. The extent of RPC-887's autonomy on its effects is currently under investigation."
Overview: So, I understand the path with which you're attempting to take your concept into, but this just largely reminds me of something as if Father Winter joined the military. My main issue especially is that you're utilizing real world events and inserting "actually, RPC-887 caused THIS retreat…" and it more or less dilutes the unique circumstances/actual importance of those historical events, and that it's more-or-less an unoriginal take at actually demonstrating 887's properties in a unique light.
Your English has gotten significantly better, Tarb, but there's still some dings here and there with grammar and clinical tone. In some cases, you have certain redundancies that express already explained statements of 887's properties, and it just adds clutter to the paragraph instead of proceeding on with the description.
So, for now, I feel that this idea is not ready, take some time to further conceptualize and see what you can do with the anomaly's backstory with a more unique narrative. If you want, my suggestion would be it interacting with the figurehead of the Russian Empire, such as Aleksandr I, Nicholas I, etc. That in itself would be interesting to see, both in how it reacts to the sovereign ruler of the nation as well as the interpersonal dialogue between them.
GD-██: Welcome to Site-███, it has been a long time since we saw eaachother, good to welcome you.
Only error I could find, other than that it seems good
“The only requirement is that the state of Russia is invaded by a force of sufficient threat.”
Delete this line, you repeat yourself
(If you really want to make sure the reader knows, write some shit like “This is the only requirement for activation” as a footnote after “threat.”)
“RPC-887 will transform into a human-like entity”
It already looks human just say “RPC-887 will become animate” or something similar
Another thing I thought your not supposed to use numbers in your draft like aren’t supposed to do shit like “rpc-xxx” but more importantly if this is for the contest wouldn’t it take the 131 spot if you win?
“wiping them out and leaving nothing behind but their frozen bodies.”
This feels off tone write “When RPC-887 neutralizes an enemy they will leave their body frozen.”
And because it doesn’t seem that important maybe put it in a footnote? Idk it could be useful for identifying the anomaly or at least where it used to be.
“translation from a letter”
translation of a letter
“It's me, Gus.”
This isn’t crit but what kinda clown ass name is gus? Is that even a real Swedish name?
“yet, my mind”
Remove comma (I think)
“and Authority intervention, the majority of these reports were dismissed and forgotten.”
I don’t understand this line. If the authority intervened wouldn’t they know about the anomaly? Why else would they even intervene?
“and any trace of it in public records was erased or censored.”
Evidence of the anomaly in general or just the exact documents themselves?
“if i remember”
Capitalize your “I”s I see this problem popping around later on in the interview to
“was just a fancy way to call the cruel Russian winter.”
was just a fancy name for the cruel Russian winter.
“While we may not be”
Remove “while”
“But now its too late”
Add an apostrophe before “it and “s” I see this problem popping around later on in the interview to
“situation "diplomatically"”
Add period
It’s a fine article only nitpicks really, the strange thing about it though is that the addendums are more interesting then the anomaly itself that’s all. Good luck in the contest. Even if it doesn’t win I expect it’ll end up on the mainlist at least.
Gus is short for Gustafsson, a popular name at the time, it's shortened cause ya know, he talking to his mom.
"the strange thing about it though is that the addendums are more interesting then the anomaly itself that’s all"
Is there anything wrong or lackluster regarding the anomaly itself or is it just that the addendums are better? We want this article to be as good as it can be so any crit is appreciated
Thanks thou!
Ok, I have no problem with the grammar or syntax of the article. It seems well-polished and ready for the site.
Thematically, I would love to see an incident where this anomaly clashes with the White Death (074) anomaly. They seem like natural enemies, and a crossover between them would be badass. Talk to SticksNTricks about it, please.
Only other suggestion I have would be to take the GARD's anomaly description and to translate it using google from english, to german, and back again. I doubt GARD would write in flawless european english, and native german speakers have a unique cadence and structure that they bring into whatever language they speak. In lieu of google translate, find an RPC user who speaks german to help give it that authentic german touch.
Great work guys
Cool! I can dig it. Neat anomaly. Got just a couple things that I would like to see fixed up.
or remove mentions on the effect and casualties
*mentions of
Current safety measures include political arrangements with world leaders to not initiate armed conflict on the north Asian region and the development of weather control devices.
and the *(prohibition or betterment?) for development of weather control devices
defensive strategy While active,
strategy. While
1000 meter
one kilometer
RPC-887 additionally engages in ambushes, preferring to attack isolated units
.
RPC-887 exhibits significantly increased speed,
In comparison to what? being a statue?
letter send from a swedish soldier to his mother
sent, Swedish
At the end of the first letter add a signature. Add where this letter was discovered
appeared to be fought between what appeared
used appeared twice
Early recon information gave to believe only the blizzard to be anomalous
reword this
finish solider
Finish
seemingly dissapiered into the snow
disappeared
Long live the Führer.
If you're trying to make GARD into more than "nazi GOI", is this really necessary?
there's a weird big space in the interview log
"again" is bolded way too many times in the interview
I can do is try to approach this situation "diplomatically"
.
Capitalize I throughout the interview
Your footnotes are centered and it looks weird, you have an unclosed [[=]] somewhere
1- German Intel or messaged during WW2 had that phrase at the end if I remember correctly, but you are right about making GARD something else aside from Le Nazi GOI
2- Again is bolded in purpose to emphasize the word and tone.
3- I'll see how I can do the signature stuff
Thanks for the crit!