I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."
Overall the story I've read has come across as magnificent, I've not spotted any flaws in your tone, writing style, presentation, or flow.
Tone: Your tone was maintained well throughout, unable to find any falter in there. As you were able to continue to use the same vocabulary that is expected throughout. As to add, I've always been a fan of stories like yours, the crime ones so that's a plus.
Writing Style: The writing style is professional, efficient, and it doesn't draw on for too long. You're able to bring out a story that can turn into a series (if it hasn't already).
Presentation: The presentation of information was effective. As you were able to give it out at a steady rate, allowing us to become more curious about the story, having us read further.
Flow: The flow of information was well executed. All good stories need a good flow, and you had it. It never faltered, or made any sudden abrupt changes.
Look, I know you are going for a film-noirething here, but there is such a thing as being overly descriptive. It slows things down a bit, but that is a stylistic choice. Frankly if you are comfortable with it, then its ready.
“not the case for all but one.”
Huh
“the primary school”
Remove the
“Why would anyone do this? Her question exactly”
Reword this I didn’t know she was asking herself why she was doin this job till a bit later
“She hadn’t heard footsteps behind her, so far so good. She took a drag of her cigarette and sipped on the soda while the smoke was still deep inside her lungs—bad idea. Mixture of soda and saliva splattered on the railing in front of her, it had stained the stone brown. No matter, the sun would dry it out in no time. Laverne was just glad that nobody was around to witness her shenanigans.”
Nigga why does it take a paragraph to describe her pukin her soda? Reword and shorten this or at least just shorten it. After reading the rest of your article I noticed that you do this a lot, I understand if you want it to be descriptive but it can’t be this descriptive.
“One sparrow perched on the railing of which Laverne had just stained not a minute ago.”
What’s with this weird use of past tense even though this is supposed to be happening now? Idk if it’s exactly wrong but it is weird to read.
“came up with a name”
come up with a name
“In it, attached a note: “Would love to see you in these!”. That was precisely one year ago, it was just until now that she realized he was flirting with her.”
I understand she’s not social and might not understand shit but you must be a fuckin dumbass to not understand that is flirtation or at least some kind of sexual advance
“She’d better get rid of the butt before anyone started noticing and getting the jump on her tomorrow”
Either put the whole thing in past tense or just write “She’d better get rid of the butt before anyone started noticing the smoke and got the jump on her tomorrow.”
Or something similar.
“Sure. One sure throw and it’s gone.”
Why is sure in the beginning?
“to far end of the bar.”
to the far end of the bar.
they told me to.”
They tell me to