http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/abandoned-slaughterhouse
I would like to receive criticism about my RPC. I feel like I still did a lot of things wrong in this one.
I haven't done a crit in a decent bit, but here we go!
All suggested wordings are just suggestions!
RPC-XXX is to be kept within a 15 square mile (15 square miles seems like overkill unless the area is supposed to include both the slaughterhouse and the nearby town) razor-wire fence that must be cleaned on a persistent basis by automated drone-scrubbers outfitted with industrial-grade detergents, rust-removers, soaps, polish, and disinfectants across the containment zone. Extremely clunky wording here. "Is to be kept" implies that the Authority moved it to it's current location. I suggest something "RPC-XXX is currently contained within a 15 square mile exclusion zone yadda yadda.
More drones are also assigned to remove the corpses of any RPC-XXX instances; furthermore, cleaning drones are outfitted with a super-acid that dissolves any waste or harmful detritus left from any instances of RPC-XXX that have been eliminated by stationed ASF and automated turrets and minefields. Very non-clinical here. How many more drones exactly, what kind of drones, what is a superacid (a footnote about what it is would help), and this is the first mention of the zone having turrets and a minefield. That last note should be included while talking about the exclusion zone.
Make sure to list the instances as RPC-XXX-1 or -A.
If there were any case In the event of an escaped instance of RPC-XXX, mobile armored elements from a nearby site are to be mobilized to neutralize the instance and purge any waste left by the corpse, while the amnesticization of anyone who viewed the instance is to be carried out. Still worded slightly clunky. Specify what equipment these ASF detachments need for this task.
Any personnel wishing to make an expedition (Personnel who just want to explore it or what? Approved incursions/ expeditions or research studies are a far better form of clinical wording.) into RPC-XXX are to wear NBC warfare suits (NBC suits are a bit of a generic term. You could go into a bit more depth here.) in order to prevent the risk of being infected with the facilities facility's anomalous diseases.
A sixty-minute decontamination protocol is to be enacted to anyone who returns from the slaughterhouse. What decon processes are they using?
It's a little jarring considering the narrative you have to put the discovery before the description.
RPC-XXX was constructed on May 13th, 1958 to be a primary investment in the town of [DATA EXPUNGED], as a new slaughterhouse for a company known as Hogg Family Foods Incorporated in [DATA EXPUNGED], Mississippi. Very oddly worded sentence here. A slaughterhouse is an odd primary investment. Also, you do not need to include a redacted location twice in the same sentence.
The slaughterhouse was designed to be large enough to produce a copious amount of food as part of a project to end starvation in several towns throughout [DATA EXPUNGED] after farming companies abandoned the county. Again, stop including the location. We get it. Also slaughterhouses usually just slaughter animals. It's uncommon for them to keep the animals there, therefore they would not help a starving community. It would just service an area.
No other records of the company have been found and all other facilities pertaining to the Hogg Family have mysteriously been erased. I find it odd and off-putting to have this fact about the company in the middle of a paragraph.
The official name of RPC-XXX is the Hogg Slaughterhouse Factory (Factory is redundant here, and it's not a great name.): it was once featured upon the Guinness World Record 1960 for being one of the most largest slaughterhouses in America, but after the discovery of its anomalous properties, it was stricken from the Guinness World Record and amnestics were deployed. Are you implying the Authority tracked down everyone who had the Guinness Record book and used amnestics? Because that's ridiculous.
On June 15th, 1964, all residents of [DATA EXPUNGED] would have been found missing from their homes. Maybe just make up the town? Imply the slaughterhouse is nearby the town or something along those lines. The frequent [DATA EXPUNGED] is just over done.
Recorded phone conversations detailed "massive pig-monsters" snatching everyone from their homes, the Authority immediately sent MST-██████ (Are you actually even censoring the MST? Over censoring is definitely something you want to avoid!) to investigate the Hogg Slaughterhouse Factory. Including an audio transcript for one of these calls would be great! Having several 911 call logs here could really work out well! Here being after you move this somewhere below the description.
The MST found seven-thousand mutilated human cadavers hung by hooks that are affixed to multiple rail-like systems that led to multiple different rooms across the entire Slaughterhouse. I'm just going to end my crit for this section here. You have good ideas but it's just all in the wrong spot which means the narrative is impossible to crit until it is reorganized.
RPC-XXX is a 50x50x30m slaughterhouse located in [DATA EXPUNGED], Mississippi that is surrounded by barbed wire, 9-meter tall metal fences, and eighteen dozen mines (approx. 200-250 anti-tank mines, or something like that because eighteen dozen doesn't work, and what type of mines) that are routinely placed by drones. The description of the fence and the mines belong in the containment protocols not in the description.
I suggest you read the entire piece aloud, maybe with a friend. Look for repeated information, because you repeat several thoughts throughout the piece. Don't give up though!
If I am unable to come back and complete more of this crit, please seek several other critques before posting. There's a lot of erros here, some of which may need decent sized rewrites.
Crit Still in Progress!
This is very sloppy all in all. It doesn't flow well, and I can't hardly focus on the crit with the number of errors. However, I like the idea and thought behind it. It has potential!
I always prefer using pictograms for the hazard types. You can use my guide here.