His eyes barely leave the tiny point of light at the top of the leaning tower- the unmistakable blue-white glow of Antarctic daylight.
this implies that they're outside, however later bits say otherwise
The tower echoes to the sound of increasingly distant gunfire, and a few dull explosions that knock cold dust off the shuddering beams.
i recommend rewriting this to
"The tower echoes to the sound of increasingly distant gunfire, a few dull explosions knocking cold dust from its shuddering beams."
or something along those lines
Enough charge in the capacitors for 10, maybe 11 seconds of continuous discharge from the rheotron.
i don't know what this means, God doesn't know what this means, are we supposed to know what this means?
The gunfire peters out, and there is one final, conclusive explosion. His unit is gone. At least his head lamp still works.
I don't know about you, but after realizing my entire unit just died, my first thought isn't "at least my fucking flashlight works"
NG vessel
another unexplained thing
A few hours later they'd rounded a corner and seen a Howler, waiting for them atop a pile of frozen rubble, and then he was dead.
the structure of this works perfectly well, but i recommend changing the last part to more easily signify who is dead, aside from just "he"
She died shrieking, riddled with the radium-coated incendiary bullets that worked so well against her kind.
you've kept a very nice brisk "there's a war on" tone up until this point, but taking the time to say "radium-coated incendiary bullets" sort of puts a pin in that. i get that it's somewhat important to say how the bullets are killing ghost monster women, but there's better ways to write it
But there had been a moment of sublime,
"but" isn't a very good transition word in this case
The reason he came all the way from a past-its-prime dance hall in the Yukon to the other side of the planet.
i recommend calling it the past-its-prime dance hall, just to signify a little bit moreso what it means to the character
i'm not gonna do line-by-line for all of this because it's frankly pretty good, however the constant cuts make it seem a little jumpy imo. i do like the "there's a war on" tone like i mentioned previously, though sometimes the inner character monologues seem to get in the way of that by stretching on a little too long