Something about mist
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/scrambled
Been working on this for a little bit. Thanks.
(Oh yeah and this is the research format)
Something about mist
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Drafts
» Something about mist
Summary:
Looking for thicc crits in my area
Really really really cool, precise and simple.
I love how in depth you went with your RPC: Everything explained till the last detail without making it sound ridiculous, And it is simple scrambled eggs!
Dialogue was just a tiny bit off, but it delivers.
The research you did really shows off your dedication.
Good job Coupy.
Abstract:
This may be a little anal retentive but the way I was taught in my upperlevel bio and chem courses was that the abstract should have 1-2 sentances about the question, hypothesis, methods, results, and conclusions. Maybe its different here but that's what I think an abstract should be.
To the ordinary perception manifestations…
I would replace the word perception. Maybe use, "ordinarily…"
Cantopticin to Anopticin
Footnote for these so people get an idea of what we are dealing with?
Other than that, everything else looks good. It reads well and seems intersting. Good luck!
Right!
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything.
To the ordinary perception manifestations are completely natural and non-anomalous in appearance, to touch and when examined.
I feel like "to the ordinary perception" isn't that clinical, and this sentence uses active voice. How about putting "under non-anomaloud circumstances"?
however instances may also form without wind in low pressure atmospheres.
Might be a good idea to add a comma after the "however".
When properly perceived RPC-XXX instances are tangible to the observer.
The "flow" of this sentence made me feel like "When properly perceived RPC-XXX instances" are one part of the sentence. Maybe add a comma after "perceived"?
Higher wind speed, air pressure and water vapor presence correlates with denser and larger instances, while the inverse is the same for smaller instances.
I'd use "remains accurate" or "remains true".
The density of Air on Earth averages 1.225 kg/m3 at sea level and 15 degrees C
I don't think "Air" needs capitalization. Also, I think it's either 15°C or 15 degrees Celsius. Not sure about "15 degrees C".
Overall, my suggestion would be "passive voice". Use it extensively and this article could look a lot more clinical.
Structure and Lore
I don't know about this voodoo magic that is the research division format. I'll let it slide.
I would, however, add a drawing of some scrambled eggs for the sake of it if possible.
Content
I find this idea of anomalous scrambled eggs on Mars to be stupidly hilarious. The way it's presented as a "twist' adds to it.
However, there's not enough foreshadowing for it to work at the moment, I suppose.
Narrative
The exploration log's quite effective in delivering the punchline, but that's it at the moment. It feels a bit "lacking", as in "there's not enough parts of comedy. You can make more jokes out of it".
Imagine if RPC-916 was only the description and the first log. That would make 916 a lot less enjoyable. And this is what I mean.
Make more exploration logs, I suppose. Expand on this stupid idea. Strengthen it's tie-ins with the similarly ridiculous 888 and 602 which were also crosslinked. And strengthen them in dumb ways. Like, maybe the cows are also present in dumb forms? Maybe have a shrine for a breakfast god? The possibilities are endless with the idea of the breakfast god.
Suggested Reading
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-602
Add more instances of ridiculousness to it and this article will be good. 3 now due to grammar and the excellent idea. 4 if changes are made. 5 if the things added are modestly funny.
Done, Coupon!
/forum/t-12844269/something-about-mist#post-
