Been working on this one for a bit. Any crits are appreciated!
A very interesting continuation to your series. I really enjoyed the poetic nature of the horsemen. Most of my crit is grammatical to what I think flows better.
guarded by His seal
Un-capitalize H
containment protocols to prevent destructive
in order to
it became mutated into something opposite
the opposite
of what it was made to do
of its purpose
to remain within their acting capacity,
their
and thus was shut down
and thus RPC-787 was shut down (gives just a little more punch I think)
After this abomination of protocol was pulled from the hands of Global Director 12
you say "pulled" twice in this sentence, use "taken" for this instance instead
12 receding into the darkness, heard no more
heard from no more
the ear of a thousand ears.
a little strange but cool, might flow better to have "ear of a thousand minds"
awaiting instructor from its creator,
instructions
"You're right. There are only 7."
Could add "only 7 right now" to decrease confusion for writers who see different #s on different articles
Alright here's what I got. Overall, given I have no context to the tale as I haven't read those RPCs yet, some information was obscure to me. BUT, as a stanalone piece, it was pretty neat.
> He commanded his demand
I would say nix one and keep the other (maybe replacing "commanded" with a new verb) given they convey the same meaning.
in order to prevent destructive consenquences from containment breaches
consequences* but also the way this is phrased almost sounds like your preventing "consequences" from "containment breaches".
You can truncate this entire sentence and rewrite it to…
"It was meant to solidify the efforts in which the Board of Global Directors and select Level-4 individuals could develop better containment protocols in order to prevent potential containment breaches."
As the prevention of containment breaches are the ultimate goal for the Board of GD and the reader will understand that its estimating the likelihood of a containment breach based on information provided with the word "potential".
However, it became mutated into the opposite of its purpose
Mutated is fine but the word "opposite" feels a bit off.
My gut-intuition on this sentence is that you can rewrite it to simply "However, it's purpose mutated." or "However, it's purpose changed." As you explain how it did so in the following sentence. Additionally it would resolve a minor incoherency as the opposite to detecting flaws isn't necessarily to control them. Without knowing the full context of the article mentioned and only going off this tale draft's information that is.
How Global Director 12 was able to operate hidden from the eyes of the Board was unknown, and thus ArcOS was pulled from research, with Global Director 12 receding into the darkness, heard from no more, and seen only in the nightmares of the workers under him.
Minor nitpick but right inbetween "research" and "with" I would separate these two lines. As they convey two different points. The former conveys how no one knows how GD-12 was able to operate from the shadows, thus, the ArcOS research was pulled. THEN, GD-12 receded into darkness and was only remembered in myths.
"Ladies, and gentlemen, We have encountered the very essence of hell… and he is us."
I would remove the comma between "Ladies" and "and". And I would lowercase the "W" in We.