Where is RPC-987-1? There's only RPC-987 and RPC-987-2.
I'm part of the people that consider RPC-XXX to already be -1, any sub-anomaly would start at -2
I can't find any mistakes and I don't have any questions about this. It all looks nice to me.
The Axemam
Criticism
Description: RPC-984 is often described as a tall man, dressed in what appears to be old gangster attire. This, however, cannot be fully confirmed, as RPC-984 tends to change its appearance between subjects.
RPC-984 anomalous effects manifest themselves when an individual fails to pay off their debt to a bank or similar institution affiliated with the group known as "The Raven Mafia".
Change to:
Description: RPC-984 is often described as a tall man, dressed in what appears to be old gangster attire. This, however, cannot be fully confirmed, as RPC-984 tends to change its appearance between subjects. RPC-984 anomalous effects manifest themselves when an individual fails to pay off their debt to a bank or similar institution affiliated with the group known as "The Raven Mafia".
Stage 2 The previously soft whispers will now become as loud as screams and RPC-984 will begin to manifest itself in the peripheral vision of RPC-984-2.
Change to:
Stage 2 The previously soft whispers will now become loud screams and RPC-984 will begin to manifest itself within the peripheral vision of the RPC-984-2 instance.
Stage 3 RPC-984 will begin to fully manifest to RPC-984 by taking the place of its reflection on any possible surface, all while the whispering continues. Despite this, RPC-984 will never become fully visible or audible to outside viewers, and attempts by RPC-984-2 to prove its existence will only result on RPC-984 de-manifesting from the reflection, causing the affected subject to question its own sanity
Change to:
Stage 3 RPC-984 will begin to fully manifest to RPC-984-2 instance by taking the place of its reflection on any possible surface, all while the whispering continues. Despite this, RPC-984 will never become fully visible or audible to outside viewers, and attempts by RPC-984-2 to prove its existence will only result on RPC-984 de-manifesting from the reflection, causing the affected subject to question its own sanity.
Stage 4 RPC-984 will now engage on full conversations with RPC-984, going from advice for payments to threatening and manipulating the individual to pay the debt by any means necessary, be it burglary, extra jobs, night shifts, or taking debts from other banks not affiliated with The Raven Mafia. Even if the debt is paid, most affected subjects will commit suicide or end up in mental institutions due to the mental abuse caused by RPC-984.
Change to:
Stage 4 RPC-984 will engage in full conversations with the RPC-984-2 instance, relating to advice for payments to threatening and manipulating the individual to pay the debt by any means necessary, be it burglary, extra jobs, night shifts, or taking debts from other banks not affiliated with The Raven Mafia. Even if the debt is paid, most affected subjects will commit suicide or end up in mental institutions due to the mental abuse caused by RPC-984.
Stage 5 Should the subject go through the past 4 stages and fail to pay the debt, RPC-984 will use the reflection created by the subject's own eyes to manifest inside them, effectively blinding and forcing them to use desperate measures to pay the debt. Should the subject fail to accomplish their task on the same day, they will suffer a seizure and perish.
Comment: Perish is a weird word to use. Use maybe: seize all life functions.
The amount of time RPC-984 has been operating for The Raven Mafia is unknown, as most possible cases of its appearance would have been tagged as schizophrenia
Change to:
The amount of time RPC-984 has been operating for The Raven Mafia is unknown, as most possible cases of its appearance would have been attributed as schizophrenia
Description: I used to only saw him on the corner of my eye, but know, every time I look at the mirror I can see him, smiling at me.
Change to:
Description: I used to only see him in the corner of my eye, but know, every time I look at the mirror I can see him, smiling at me.
It is now known how it happened nor what occurred to Mr. Alanis after his disappearance, although most theories point towards the criminal organization known as " Raven Mafia", who owned the aforementioned Alanis worked in.
Change to:
It is not known how it happened nor what occurred to Mr. Alanis after his disappearance, although most theories point towards the criminal organization known as the " Raven Mafia", who believed to be involved in the disappearance of Mr. Alanis.
critic’s note: I loved the article, but my only question is why are people affected by RPC-984 called RPC-984-2 instances. Why not call them RPC-984-1 instances?
Bretty good, but there are a few things that could be changed.
Step 1 and 2 are too far apart in brutality: It begins in whispers, and immediately escalates to screaming. I'd change it into something along the lines: in step 2, the subject will be able to fully hear RPC-987, its vocalizations ranging from regular voice level to yelling an screaming.
It is also hard to believe that a Researchers superiors would just 'brush away' unusual psychological behavior, especially when it developed in someone who deals with memetics, one of the most dangerous types of RPC the Authority might have. This could be solved by the Researcher refusing to share the information due to the fear of not getting paid, The Raven Mafia having the effect which makes it impossible for unaffected people to believe an affected subject, or even creating a paranoia in the subject which makes him unable to talk openly about the Mafia.
The victims becoming part of the mafia and the Bites za Dusto-like 5th step are a bit weird, but that is just personal prefference.
Bretty good, Id give it an 3.9
As such, instances of its manifestation are to be meet with disinformation campaigns and amnestics for those affected.
are to be met*
but must first be discussed with their respective superiors.
Nitpick but you would always discuss this with your respective superiors, they control how the payment methods would happen. I would remove this line and make
"Extra shifts and hours are available for said personnel in order to pay off their debt, other forms of financial relief are also possible,"
Into two sentences.
gangster attire
While the following sentence indicates its based on what the subject thinks is gangster attire, its very vague and non-clinical. I would describe just the base items on its person: trousers, hat, top-suit, etc.
an individual fails
You switched from "subject" the sentence before to "individual". I would make sure the entirety of the article sticks to one designation for the person being affected to be precise.
After the conditions are met,
Nitpick, but this fragment assumes you listed out specifications in the proceeding paragraph. You didn't, and it comes off as very vague and out-of-place.
Suggestion: Add a brief set of preconditions that are required prior to the entity manifesting.
itself to the affected individual (now referred to as RPC-987-1)
The word "to" is vague. I do not know, as the reader, if he spawns in front, beside, inside of me, or on top of me. Replace it with "RPC-984 will begin to manifest somewhere adjacent to…" or "RPC-984 will begin to manifest will manifest in a region 1m away from…" to give a specific indicator. That way the reader can envision a place for the manifestation.
The word "itself" is unnecessary before the subject is already expressed in the word "RPC-984" at the beginning.
Should RPC-984-1 accomplish to pay its debt at any stage,
Nix "accomplish to" and modify it to "Should RPC-984-1 pay off its debt(s) at any stage,"
all anomalous effects, alongside RPC-984
Should be switched as you haven't expressed RPC-984's anomalous effects yet outside of its manifestation. "RPC-984, along with associated anomalous effects,"
This stage can go unnoticed, as RPC-984 will only sparsely do it, which can be just confused with random noises or distant conversations.
Remove "as RPC-984 will only sparsely do it, which can be just confused with" and modify the sentence so that it states:
"This stage can go unnoticed as RPC-984's voice is confused with random noises or distant conversations."
The reason for this is that the intersection uses a non-clinical word "sparsely" and cuts the pacing of the sentence.
The previously soft whispers
What's the timeframe here exactly? 1-3 minutes after Stage 1? A day? A month?
de-manifesting from the reflection, causing the affected subject to question its own sanity.
Nix the comma inbetween "reflection" and "causing" and put a period.
relating
from relaying* also nix the "to" if you change it. Such that this fragment appears as:
"from relaying advice for payments to threatening and manipulating…"
Even if the debt is paid, most affected subjects will commit suicide or end up in mental institutions due to the psychological abuse caused by RPC-984.
Why? The stages you described thusfar don't warrant this radical shift in the narrative. Everytime you choose to kill off the subject, it needs to be built-up to. Maybe the entity simulates torture methods but because its ephemeral, no one sees the torture happen. The victim still feels it even when they outwardly appear normal and unphased by damage.
Should the subject fail to accomplish their task on the same day, they will suffer a seizure and die.
This just comes out of nowhere without build-up. Most of what you described had it whisper into someone's ears / demand or coerce the payment from the guy. I get the eyesight part, but the seizure part seems like you just wanted a way for the guy to die without really making it clear how the entity, with the tools you've described thusfar, does it.
Maybe because it only affects its sight, it causes bright flashing strobe lights to appear before the victim's eyes?
RPC-984 was only discovered and classified by the Authority on 5/21/2017, after Dr. Tremblay, who had been missing for the past 2 weeks, walked into Site-███'s director with his eyes gouged out, holding a camera and a diary before collapsing on the ground (and dying 7 hours later on intensive care).
Break up this into two sentences.
resulting
resulted*
Its past tense.
research into its active presence on the Info-plane has shed the possibility of using memotic grounds to trap RPC-984 inside a mirror,
I don't know what your trying to convey here. I get that there's a Info-plane, but what is a memotic grounds? Is there a way you can reword this sentence fragment?
I don't know what "It" is, it may be a hallucination,
Wouldn't this be the point where he receives treatment from the Authority. Or tell his superiors, hey I see a literal ghost or manifestation of something, please inspect me or keep me quarantined so I don't die.
The Authority deals with ephemeral creatures all the time. Yeah he's afraid of what the Authority might do, but think about it. They've probably encountered something affecting personnel before. Its not like personnel haven't interacted with the anomalous or experienced containment breaches before.
Why wouldn't they seek the Authority's help even if it meant invasive containment procedures? This is common procedure.
Dr. Tremblay: Uhhhh, the interviewer is me, the interviewed is the ghost and it is [Dr. Tremblay looks at his watch.] 17:34 PM
The dialogue here breaks a lot of my immersion because it feels too scripted. This is an extremely unnatural way to start recording a haunting.
I'm assuming, based on the preface, that the ghost contacted him, he then took up a camera phone or used his CCTV camera, and then monitored him interacting with the ghost.
Maybe have him apologize for cutting off the entity mid-speech to setup the recording system, and politely ask him to continue. That way it flows better with your preface.
Yes, my associates own many banks across the country, I have been with you to work and I know you people have our data somewhere under the name "Something something Mafia", And no there is no other people like me, what I'm doing now can be considered "Community service" for my, dumb mistakes when I was younger.
Break this sentence apart into two or three sentences. The "And" shouldn't be capitalized if you choose to keep a comma there.
There are a lot of SpaGr errors in the dialogues that I would advise you to look over.
on the halls of floor 1,
in* the halls,*
You really don't need to cite where the floor is because he's not escalating to another floor in this timeline.
Closer footage shows Dr. Tremblay's eyes completely white.
are* completely
begins to gauge
gouge*
of assets. of the aforementioned bank's treasury.
Nix the stray period. Unless your trying to start a new sentence.
Overall narrative critique:
Its a generic thing that whispers into your ears until you pay up or die. I don't even know how your paying this entity given its unclear whether it manifests in a physical form or not. I don't know who the "Raven Mafia" are and they are never characterized by either the entity or the background history itself. We have no idea how people even owe money to this specific crime family among many other potential candidates. EDIT: While we know that owing money to the banks belonging to the Raven Mafia is how this entity spawns, its very unclear to me why they do it and if the banks knew they were working for an anomalous organization.
In conclusion, its very messy and the ending doesn't really give an escalation or satisfying conclusion. I would suggest focusing using the entity as a vehicle for explaining how the Raven Mafia operates, as we had discussed in the discord. Focus on the soul-crushing depression that comes along with the debt. For that, I would recommend swapping the researcher out for a regular guy who has no idea what the anomalous is. As this would make sure the reader wasn't like me, where I got tangled on why the researcher doesn't just tell the Authority even if there were consequences involved.