http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/mr-gallop-s-scp-brainstorms
Been wanting to get this idea greenlit. I'd appreciate any critique and critiscm I can get, as I have received none on the Discord!
Thank you, and have a wonderful day and evening!
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/mr-gallop-s-scp-brainstorms
Been wanting to get this idea greenlit. I'd appreciate any critique and critiscm I can get, as I have received none on the Discord!
Thank you, and have a wonderful day and evening!
Andrew Gold's skeleton busts a move while emitting "Spooky Scary Skeletons." Anyone who hears the sound emissions has their skeleton jump out and join the dance while they sit there and rot to death. Every skeleton increases the noise and it could possibly destroy the Earth from the sheer noise if it assimilated everyone. Dancers and those with endurance have to be sent in to pull its skull off after multiple hours of dancing against it.
Did somebody say skeletons? Skeletons are really cool, and i'm even writing a draft on bones so since you've peaked my interest, i'll throw you a bone and give you some crit.
Containment Protocols
Primary Containment Protocols:
Uh, i'm not really sure what is meant by Primary, but i'm going to assume that it means the containment protocols they use before the anomaly gets out of hand and causes world ending properties. If this is the case, then I would suggest writing a secondary protocol for when the number of skeletons increases exponentially, I feel this would be appropriate considering the possibility of their efforts failing.
CSD personnel with proof of endurance
I'm not really sure what is meant by "proof of endurance" but I assume you're referring to CSDs who have undergone endurance exercise as in activities that increase heart rate, in which case a better wording would be "CSD who have undergone endurance training and have increased breathing and heart rate
Authority personnel are to silence media outlets and ensure denial of civilian transportation in the areas affected by RPC-XXX.
I feel like it would be better to mention how they silence media outlets, like do they hack broadcasts, are news reporters or people recording detained? And what cover story do they use if amnestics are given to civilians.
Description
RPC-XXX's appearance is that of a human skeleton 1.9 meters in height, with a darker pigment to the color of its bones, the letters "A.G." glowing in a neon orange hue upon the front of its skull and a white hue around its figure.
"RPC-XXX's" reads a little bit like the object is a person so I suggest using "The entity's appearance" instead.
skeleton 1.9 meters in height
Add "measuring" after skeleton.
the letters "A.G." glowing in a neon orange hue upon the front of its skull and a white hue around its figure.
What are the letters? Are they carvings, are they painted on or are they just on it, you could specify. Also the wording could be more clinical, instead you should say "and the letters A.G are written on the front of its cranium which glow a fluorescent orange hue, in addition a white hue surrounds the figure of the entity.
bending, shrinking, extending, and modifying its physical form to seem fully elastic when a situation allows it to do so,
What situations allow it to do so? My assumption is you're referring to the part of the song that's playing assuming its movements are with the rhythm, or are you referring to it changing form when it needs to escape or move?
Albeit capable of being temporarily delayed in its progress by MST-Alpha-07 "Compellers."
Why this MST specifically, can it be stopped by people trained in a certain way or maybe a certain weapon? I feel this information could be specified in the description itself rather than a footnote
RPC-XXX's primary anomalous properties affect living creatures with a form of skeletal based structure in their biology. RPC-XXX's primary anomalous properties affect living creatures with a form of skeletal based structure in their biology. RPC-XXX to expel their skeleton via [DATA CENSORED]
The better phrasing would be, "When a living organism with a skeletal structure is within a range of which it is capable of perceiving audio caused by RPC-XXX, its skeleton will be expelled via [DATA REDACTED] in the event that the organism refuses to dance or collapses do to exhaustion." Also, do the organisms hearing it just start spontaneously dancing due to an anomalous effect? Not to mention most animals have no understanding of music and literally can't unless this was the case.
This leaves affected individuals fully conscious, still capable of breathing through unknown means,
More just a nitpick, but how do they still have organs if they are contained in the bone structure? Then again how they leave is redacted so its not a massive issue.
a neon glow
Neon refers specifically to the element so "a fluorescent glow" is the better term.
perfectly synchronizing their movements and repeating their movements until reaching the primary RPC-XXX instance,
You used "their movements" twice I feel like simply stating they make synchronized movements is fine since i'm not sure what is meant by "repeating"
where each skeleton will begin the cycle anew,
Not sure what this means. Does it mean they restart their dance routine each time one comes close to A.G?
while other skeletons attempt to pull other living creatures into RPC-XXX's area of effect via forcefully dancing with the creatures until they enter RPC-XXX's area of effect
So, does this mean making aggressive dance movements that involve hand contact? Also you could mention how they are able to grab people and exert force despite lacking muscle tissue.
with each instrument being played by multiple skeletons that have arranged other skeletons into instruments.
Heh, I really like this part. How exactly does the audio start if the anomaly starts off with just Andrew Gold's skeleton? Like does it start as an A Capella sang by A.G until the other instruments are created, does the song gradually become more complete?
with its current dB hypothesized of being ███ dB with ███████ current skeletons.
So, the same number of people affected lose their skeletons every time the anomaly becomes active? You should specify this, not to mention if that's the number of skeletons, would they not need a mass evacuation protocol for when the event occurs?
will have their skeleton immediately return to them with no observable discrepancies with enhanced physical properties.
Would an observable change in skeletal structure not warrant RPC-XXX-1 classification, in fact, I feel all skeletons involved in the RPC-XXX dance should be classified as RPC-XXX-1 for brevity.
Addenda
That is why XXX is classified as Gamma-Black.
I think you mean Beta-Black unless you intend on changing the classification, speaking of which I personally feel Gamma-Black is more appropriate since it does say that the dates and specific locations are inconsistent, so it could happen unprepared and would take The Authority a lot of staff to be stationed at locations throughout California, not to mention the amount of exposure the anomaly causes and oddly specific containment method.
Overall thoughts
I adore the concept of this RPC, essentially being a giant dance party of the person who made Spooky Scary Skeletons and feel that its one of the most creative and clever ideas to ever grace the site. However, I feel like the RPC is lacking narrative, which you could use to give the RPC stronger ties to Andrew Gold. Like for example you could have a discovery log of the first time the event occurred and how they discovered its weakness, perhaps you could have a document which basically explains how some surreal artists perform a ritual which leads to his return. But that's just a suggestion.
If you fixed the grammar and tone mistakes, i'd likely give it a 5 and look forward to it being posted.
Crit Time
Containment Protocols: Authority Emergency Suppressors are to be stationed in California, USA, with MST Alpha-07 "Compellers" on standby if MST Bravo-39 "Ballroom Blitz" requires assistance or is otherwise incapacitated.
Critic’s Comment: What is an Authority Emergency Suppressor? Do you mean a regular mobile strike team? If so I’d change it to:
Containment Protocols: Mobile Strike Team Alpha-07 "Compellers" are to be placed on standby if MST Bravo-39 "Ballroom Blitz" requires assistance or are otherwise incapacitated.
Personnel assigned to RPC-XXX must equip soundproof ear protection at all times.
Change to:
Personnel assigned to RPC-XXX must be equipped with soundproof ear protection at all times.
Unless CSD personnel attempt to reestablish containment of RPC-XXX, no personnel are to remove their soundproof equipment.
Change to:
Until CSD personnel have successfully to re-establish containment of RPC-XXX, no personnel are to remove their soundproof equipment.
The entity's appearance is that of a human skeleton measuring 1.9 meters in height, with a darker pigment to the color of its bones, the letters "A.G." protruding from its cranium, glowing in a fluorescent hue in addition to a white hue around its figure.
Change to:
The entity's appearance is that of a human skeleton measuring 1.9 meters in height, with a dark pigmentation in the color of its bones, the letters "A.G." protruding from its cranium, glowing in a fluorescent hue in addition to a white hue around its figure.
but unable to move in any considerable amount due to the lack of skeleton until eventual expiration due to accelerated decomposition.
Change to:
but unable to move in any considerable amount due to the lack of a skeletal system until eventual expiration due to accelerated decomposition.
That is why XXX is classified as Gamma-Black. — Doctor Kyoops.
Critic’s Comment: Isn’t your anomaly Beta-Black?s
Critic’s Score: At the moment I would give your article a 4/5 stars. Just change some grammar fixes and you’ll be good to go. If you have any questions contact me on the RPC discord at Charlie_DS4.
Thank you very much! I greatly appreciated you helping me out with the clinical feeling and the grammatical errors. Been in a bit of a rut lately so this definitely helped! Thank you very much, and I hope you'll look at the updated version and see how it looks in comparison!