In the first sentence of the containment protocols, remove the word "the".
In the first sentence of the description, remove the word "as".
In the first sentence of the description's second paragraph, remove either the word "male" or "individual".
These materials are being used by RPC-000 to build a large structure, cube-like in shape.
Rewrite to:
These materials are used by RPC-000 to build a large, cube-like structure.
In the first sentence of the description's third paragraph, remove the words "from their mouths". In the next sentence, remove "grabbing on to surfaces with their hands, and".
In the first sentence of the description's fourth paragraph, remove the words "special biological method". Replace this with "secretory product". In the next sentence, replace "drip" with "excrete". In the next sentence, remove "being".
In the description's 5th paragraph, the word "enter" is used one too many times. Replace the second one with "gather into".
PoI-000: So, what do you want me here for.
Make the period a question mark.
Ibrahim: I just need to ask you some questions about your… "project".
Remove "your… project" and replace it with "that".
(Points out window towards the structure)
I'd recommend using a complete sentence here.
Or drinks, for that matter.
Change the punctuation to a question mark.
Ibrahim: Why didn't you get your friends to help?
PoI-000: I couldn't be too careful. What if one of them told someone else, and then that person told another person?
Ibrahim: Then why are you even going to bring your friends?
PoI-000: Erm. I didn't think of that.
Ibrahim: Wh–
(PoI-000 takes a long puff from his cigarette.)
PoI-000: What's the next question?
This dialogue is awkward and choppy, also unsatisfying as it meanders. I'd recommend rethinking the PoI's reason for not getting his friends to help. Maybe because the termite girls are cheap labor, their saliva is effective and cheap, and they don't need to eat as much as friends. Something. Or maybe you could get real messed up and make him say that he is attracted to them.
On 3/23/2011, PoI-000 nor any RPC-000 instances were reported to be seen or heard. None of the entities emerged from the structure, and PoI-000 did not respond to any calls from the RPC-000 Research Team. The entrance to the structure had been barricaded with wood, stuck together with RPC-000 saliva.
Change this to:
On 3/23/2011, neither PoI-000 nor any RPC-000 instances were reported emerging from the structure, and PoI-000 did not respond to any calls from the RPC-000 Research Team. The entrance to the structure had been barricaded with wood compounded with RPC-000 saliva.
They eventually succeed after 3 tries, and advance inside the structure.
Remove the word "eventually".
The MST Echo-13 members advance further inside, although more cautiously.
Remove ", although more".
BETA: The red light?
ALPHA: Yeah, the red light.
(There is a glowing light seeming to emanate from around the corner of the tunnel. It is light red in hue.)
In three lines, we are told three times that this is a red light. Spread out the information some for pacing and flow:
BETA: The light?
ALPHA: Yeah, the red light
(There is a glowing, light red in hue, emanating from around the corner of the tunnel.)
Also, re-write the parenthetical to this.
(As the members turn the corner, the scene is revealed. 4 RPC-000 instances are seen standing in a square-like formation,
Remove "the scene is revealed."
In the middle of the formation is the bloodied corpse of PoI-000, resting on a circular shape on the floor painted in what is assumed to be his blood.)
Re-write to:
In the middle of the formation is the bloodied corpse of PoI-000 resting on a circular structure. This structure is dyed in PoI-000's blood.
PoI-000: We do not need Master anymore.
ALPHA: Fuck, shoot them!
GAMMA: Ok, ok!
(The members of MST Echo-13 shoot the RPC-000 instances and the corpse of PoI-000, terminating them. The RPC-000 instances fall to the ground and twitch uncontrollably, while PoI-000's corpse continues hovering in the air.)
The justification for shooting this is poor and the Authority team comes off as reckless and trigger-happy murderous. Those 000 instances didn't really do anything wrong and there was no indication they were going to threaten the team with this power they were about to have. Their only established motive was revenge on being treated poorly, and the team murders them?
I think the concept here could stand to be buffed up a lot. Right now, I'd say its sitting at a 2/5 for me with the above fixes. Keep at it; I like how this article started. Make what happens more imaginative and try to tie more components of the story together.