Good boy
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/aleg8tor
Looking for help on my goodboy draft, anything is appreciated, questions encouraged and wanted
Good boy
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I would be more than happy to explain the rationales behind these recommended changes.
Remove the word "all" from the first sentence of the containment protocols.
a plexiglass see-through shield,
Remove "see-through"; it is assumed and known that plexiglass is transparent. Replace the comma with a period to prevent a run-on sentence, and rearrange the new sentence to read:
RPC-XXX-01 must be kept behind this plexiglass.
Make the last sentence of the containment protocols a complete sentence by adding "The" at the start of it.
Remove "in any order" from the first sentence of the description. This sentence is a very long run-on. Put a period after the word "gender" and start a new sentence. Rearrange the new sentence after into:
Each instance is covered entirely in a single rope, which wraps around every instance's frame and extends to their appendages and heads. The rope is torn in places…
Change "for access to movement" to "to facilitate movement". Okay so you said that the instances are "covered entirely" and now that their hands and feet are uncovered. So, go back to the above sentence, remove the word "entirely", and after "and heads" use a comma and add "but ceases prior to their hands and feet." Get rid of the "unhindered by any rope" bit.
Finally, start a new sentence:
The flesh of the exposed hands and feet is flayed, revealing bone, muscle, and tendons."
I removed "fleshy" because bone is not flesh-like and they shouldn't be paired together; it creates a confused image that doesn't make visual sense.
RPC-XXX-01 is a mongrel from the streets, it has patches of skin sewn together with high modulus polyethylene (HMPE) strands at maximum thickness of 0.1mm, with unusual tensile strength, under it reveals the barren fur scape, moist, bloody and patches of hair in small amounts on the underside.
This is another very long run-on sentence. What streets? Specify the city or even street names where it was found. Put a period after, capitalizing "it". I had to look up what high-modulus (put a dash between "high" and "modulus") polyethylene is and "(HMPE)" isn't really informative, so I recommend adding a footnote after "(HMPE)" that says something along the lines of this, from the wikipedia entry:
Remove "with unusual tensile strength" because that's the definition of HMPE. Add a period after "(HMPE)". The new sentence might be something like:
Beneath these patches is a second layer of fur, which appears diseased, featuring marked alopecia and bleeding sores.
I removed "moist" because blood is already moist and you don't need to be repetitive about that. You used "patch" or "patchy" a lot, so I changed up one of those times to something else to reduce redundancy. "Alopecia" is a medical term for sporadic hair loss, and this makes the clinical tone much better.
RPC-XXX-01 cannot as of yet be removed further than 9 meters from RPC-XXX-02 to RPC-XXX-25 without them being dragged by thousands of HMPE strings attached.
So we get now that RPC-XXX-01 is attached to RPC-XXX-02 through RPC-XXX-25 by these strands of HMPE, but it is worded kinda clumsily as is. Consider:
Thousands of such HMPE threads extend off the body of RPC-XXX-1 for 9 meters, where they are embedded into the instances of RPC-XXX-02 through RPC-XXX-25. When taught, these threads will drag these instances along with RPC-XXX-01.
This has a much clearer picture and flow.
When line of sight is broken, 01 becomes hostile, returning to them as they in turn are forced to mirror 01’s attempts at reuniting or preventing disunion.
To be honest, I don't know what this sentence is trying to say and I would recommend removing it altogether. I would also remove the last paragraph of the description ("Upon discovery of RPC-XXX…"); this doesn't make much sense either and is covered in the discovery section anyway.
I will come back to this tomorrow to finish the discovery and interview sections.
Part II
Discovery: RPC-XXX had been found in an abandoned school, after reports of a cult meeting in the grounds,
Change this comma to a period.
The Authority stepped in
"Stepped in" is not good clinical tone; there has to be a better way to say this. How about:
The Authority was contacted and discovered…
There.
Make the comma after "occupying" a period and start a new sentence. Add a comma after "voice".
who were in return rigidly moved to follow them like crude puppetry,
Remove "were" and add a comma after "return". Replace "them" with "RPC-XXX-01" and add a period after. Remove "like crude puppetry".
these commands were simple, 'praise me,' 'love me' and several others of the same vein.
I'm not sure this does much for the article and is awkwardly phrased and placed; I'd recommend getting rid of it.
he Authority entered the room after observing the room for several minutes,
Remove this part of the sentence.
them all without hassle.
Again, the clinical tone is wrong. Would you expect "hassle" to be in a scientific document? Replace it with "significant resistance."
None of them could be moved further than nine meters by themselves,
Remove this entire phrase.
them to the dog
Use "RPC-XXX-01".
resulted in blunt utensils
You're saying here that trying to cut the strings blunted the sharpness of the tools used. Use this wording instead because this is confusing and not clear. Also "utensils" are reserved for kitchen speak, not something describing the likes of a tactical knife that the Authority would use.
The group managed to carry half at a time slowly RPC-XXX* making their way to the van an Authority field vehicle where they were contained and sent to which transported them to site-xx.
Capitalize "Site".
Conducted as to test mental state of anomaly.
Remove "as". Add "the" before anomaly.
I'm going to stop here. You are missing periods, question marks where periods are, and the formatting of the interview is wrong. I'm afraid that this article is no where near being ready for the Archive and I believe this would be deleted in its current state. There are too many grammatical errors and problems with clinical tone. Additionally, while the idea of a diseased dog sutured to a gaggle of children is pretty creepy, and I think a great starting point for an article, the execution here is too sloppy and not focused enough to be interesting.
I would recommend getting a lot of feedback from the brainstorming side of this. Also, I would encourage you to read more articles and notice things like proper grammar, tone, and how to make an anomaly develop.
Good luck and keep up the hard work.
Critic time
If changes occur in behaviour immediately sedate the group and report.
Change to:
If a change in behavior is observed among the RPC-XXX instances, personnel are to immediately sedate the group and report.
Any research to be performed on RPC-XXX is to be done in the sight of RPC-XXX-01.
Critic’s Note: What is this supposed to mean. Are Researchers conducting research upon the anomaly supposed to be observed by RPC-XXX-01 or are the personnel supposed to observe RPC-XXX-01 while researchers the anomaly? You must make this sentence clearer.
Room is to be cleaned of blood, feces and string by trained staff tri-weekly.
Change to:
The containment chamber is to be cleaned of blood, feces and string by trained staff tri-weekly.
RPC-XXX-02 to RPC-XXX-25 in any order are preadolescence children of outwardly indistinguishable gender covered entirely in a single rope wrapped around their frame extending to appendages and head torn in places for access to movement, feet and hands are unhindered by any rope, revealing flayed fleshy bone, muscle and tendons.
Change to:
RPC-XXX-02 to RPC-XXX-25 in any order are preadolescent children of outwardly unidentifiable gender covered entirely in a single rope wrapped around their frame extending and connecting to appendages and head. The rope appears to be fused with the skin of the subjects. The rope is torn in places for access to movement, feet and hands are unhindered by any rope, revealing flayed fleshy bone, muscle and tendons.
RPC-XXX-01 is a mongrel from the streets,
Critic’s Note: You need to be more descriptive.
Change to:
RPC-XXX-01 is a wild mongrel weighing [Insert Weight] and [insert height].
it has patches of skin sewn together with high modulus polyethylene (HMPE) strands at maximum thickness of 0.1mm, with unusual tensile strength, under it reveals the barren fur scape, moist, bloody and patches of hair in small amounts on the underside.
Change to:
RPC-XXX-01 has patches of skin sewn together with high modulus polyethylene (HMPE) strands with a maximum thickness of 0.1mm, with unusual tensile strength, under it reveals the barren fur scape, moist, bloody and patches of hair in small amounts on the underside.
Upon discovery of RPC-XXX they were positioned as students in a classroom (9m x 3m x 6m) that had common English 19th century Victorian interior which had lost former glory over the century of being unkempt, blood stained floorboards and desks made up the majority of color. With RPC-XXX-01 at the front barking at the rest.
Change to:
Upon discovery, RPC-XXX-02 through RPC-XXX-25 were positioned as students in a classroom (9m x 3m x 6m) that had common English 19th century Victorian interior which had lost former glory over the century of being unkempt, blood stained floorboards and desks made up the majority of color witth RPC-XXX-01 at the front barking at the rest.
Author Note: You need to differentiate RPC-XXX-01 from RPC-XXX-25. Call RPC-XXX-01 “RPC-XXX” and call RPC-XXX-02 through 25 “RPC-XXX-A1 through A25.
The group managed to carry half at a time slowly making their way to the van where they were contained and sent to site-xx
Critic’s note: Site destinations have three digits.
Change to:
The group managed to carry half at a time slowly making their way to the van where they were contained and sent to site-xxx
Critic’s Note: You need to box your interview log. Place “>” for every sentence.
>
Critic’s Review: Currently I would rate the article a 2/5. The anomalies are not clearly defined, many grammatical errors, etc. You gotta to get more Crit my dude. If you have any questions you can find me on the RPC Discord at @Charlie_DS4.
/forum/t-12974439/good-boy#post-