RPC-XXX’s main program is stored within an IBM Model 5150 Personal Computer, it’s last start up being in 1989…

Change "it's" to "its". End the sentence after "1989" and change "has in the next new sentence to "had".
I am not sure what is meant by "its last start up"; does this mean the last time the computer was turned on, and it's been powered on since 1989? Clarify this a bit either way.

RPC-XXX’s anomalous properties are within it’s programming;

"It's" to "its".

RPC-XXX can detect anomalies within approximately 20 minutes before the anomaly can project its properties, with a maximum range of 16 kilometers.

Remove "20 minutes before the anomaly can project its properties, with". In the next sentence, change "After" to "As demonstrated in", "can be" to "is", and "the anomaly's" to "an anomaly's".

With proper modification, RPC-XXX can relay itself to an external device via Bluetooth, allowing RPC-XXX to pinpoint itself throughout the entirety of the Tri-City Area

Replace the second "RPC-XXX" in this sentence with "it" and add a period at the end.

RPC-XXX’s Bluetooth capabilities are susceptible to electromagnetic pulses; when discharged, an EMP can disable RPC-XXX Bluetooth capabilities for approximately 17 minutes.

Remove everything before the semi-colon, capitalize "when" and make it the new sentence.

This raid was immediately after another raid that same evening on a Buffalo residence housing a Malthus initiate.

Remove the second "raid" from this sentence. Add a comma after "residence" and change "housing" to "which housed".

Interrogation with the initiate revealed RPC-XXX’s existence, having been used in the late 1980’s by the Children of Malthus.

Replace "with" with "of" and replace "having been" with "which was".

Malthus decided to do away with RPC-XXX

Replace "do away with" with "abandon".


Okay this character is absolutely lovable. I was smiling and chuckling the whole way through the dialogue. Spots like:

and by God-God-God- Steve Jobs I say we’d jell well like peanut butter and ja-ja-ja- dogs!

Lemme get readjusted, my signal is weaker than a Clergy Boy’s kne-kne-kne- faith if you ask me.

RPC-XXX: Ah yes, dry humor, I love it. All the rage these days with Millen-Millen-Millen- High school drop-outs.

won me over quick.

RPC-XXX: Say, where did the Authority dug you up from?

I think this is a typo; should be "dig".

RPC-984: Negative, I do not know what a “suck ass” is.

Love this line.


The character is in my opinion so lovable, that it completely excused two things that were about to bother me: 1, the ending is literally fast-forwarded through to bypass some potential narrative and action — almost like the author didn't want to go through the hassle of writing it. and 2, why the Church of Malthus would throw it away so carelessly just because its personality is annoying. I'd say that second point is my only problem with the article, and maybe its only weak point aside from the above easy grammer and flow fixes.

Come up with a better reasoning for why the Malthus ppl would throw such a useful tool away. Maybe they didn't have access to a database like the Authority's and that was sort of the key for this RPC to work well.

If you fix that, I think I'd give this a solid 4/5…would give 4.5/5 if I could.

Grammar and Structure

Object Class: Alpha

• If it is Sentient or Sapient, it is a Beta or higher.

"Hazard Types: Sentient Hazard"

• Seeing that it is capable of complex thought and speech, you can't really say it would be only sentient. Replace it with Sapient.

In the case of RPC-XXX going rogue,

• Write instead "In the event…"

First Paragraph of the Description.

• I think it's better to switch around the introduction of the AI and the IBM 5150. It's best to introduce it as something normal and then present what makes it different. At least in my opinion.

RPC-XXX’s anomalous properties are within it’s programming

• Introduce this after you say what it does. It makes it feel like a statement that requires prior context. Also, write "its programming".

RPC-XXX was discovered during an MST-83 raid…

• You didn't mention which Nato name this MST is and the number you used seems a bit too high. Also, it's best to put down their Team alias along with the other things specified.

Children of Malthus

• You mean church?

He’s talking so fast his RAM can barely keep up.

• Replace with "He’s talking so fast, his RAM can barely keep up."

Researcher here tells me you want a…

• If you're presenting an interruption instead of a rhetorical question then use this instead: "Researcher here tells me you want a-"

The Logs in general.

• You leave out an indication of when and where the logs took place. Interview logs commonly have specific inbox indications of when, where, and why the interview took place. Consider writing this in the article in the future.

RPC-XXX: Say, there’s a maintenance entrance up ahead! Lets get top side.

• Why is this a separate line? Nothing is indicated that would divide this from this and the previous line.

Lets get top side.

• Write this instead "Let's get topside."

Narrative

Containment Protocols in General

• A key idea you seem to be missing in this article is the question of who will be monitoring the RPC when it's in containment. This includes the question of when will it be monitored and how. How else will the make sure it doesn't go rogue?

RPC-XXX can detect anomalies within approximately 20 minutes before the anomaly can project its properties, with a maximum range of 16 kilometers… can be able to determine the anomaly’s Object Class, as well as its potential Hazard Types. With proper modification, RPC-XXX can relay itself to an external device via Bluetooth…

• This seems almost Universe breaking in design. I recommend adding a little more limits as to how this works, like a rate of error, anomaly types that can't be detected, etc. It would make it more interesting and give you the opportunity to play with writing some logs about tests.

When RPC-XXX detects a potential threat, it deactivates itself for 30 minutes.

• Why does it do this if it would only result in an even more dangerous situation for the object itself?

Johnson: Sykes, you know the old saying… “what could possibly go wrong”. Okay, PEDA, you got me sold, just better hope it’s not snake oil if you catch my drift.

• This is more a matter of personal opinion, but this seems way too unprofessional even in an interview log. Again my opinion, though.

Incident Log Forward in General

• You never mention how the audio was ever caught in the conversation between RPC-XXX and RPC-984.

All the rage these days with Millen-Millen-Millen- High school drop-outs.

• It would be funnier if you put College Drop out, to be honest.

Possible Theta?

• You mentioned earlier that RPC-XXX could be a possible Theta but also neglect to follow up on any progress update or to change the object class.

Overall Impression

Overall I like this article for being funny, but there is nothing about this RPC that really catches my eye. The things you do introduce too, feel as though they are beginning to break the Universe by acting as slightly too powerful in the context of the setting. Much of the structure seems to be broken as well, and there seem to be a number of mistakes made when attempting to use terms common in the Authority. The characters do not seem to act rationally, allowing the RPC to join their ranks not long after being captured. This doesn't feel right and has some quirks to iron out.

If I were to give this article rating, it would be between a 2.5/5 or 3.2/5. I hope to see improvements in the future.