Heya,
Looked over your draft and I did find some bits and pieces that may have been improved better. Which I have taken the liberty to do so, and you can see it clearly at the attachment below.
Only suggestion I could make her you could've added a bit of backstory with the anomaly's history with GEAR and their initial creation by them.
Overall, the article is interesting. It's a simple article with a small, albeit not detailed, backstory.
So, yeah. Great job.
- Dr. Pierson
RPC-XXX is to be contained in a standard Level 1 security locker in Site-002. RPC-XXX instances may be used by Authority staff and for testing purposes if access has been granted by Head Researcher Harold R. Ames.
- I don't really think clearance needs to be specified here since it literally applies to everyone onsite. Aside from CSDs of course.
- Suggestion:
RPC-XXX is to be contained in a standard container in Site-002. RPC-XXX instances may be used for live testings by personnel if permitted by Head Researcher Harold R. Ames. However, during these testings, Head Researcher Ames is to be present at all times.
…
Description: RPC-XXX is a product line of eye contacts that was manufactured by the anomalous group of interest "GEAR". Each instance of RPC-XXX are preserved in standard eye contact solution and will permanently remain functional as long as it is regularly kept in this solution. RPC-XXX instances are often packaged in coloured eye contact cases and come with a 500-millilitre bottle of the recommended eye contact solution.
- Suggestion:
Description: RPC-XXX refers to a product line of eye contacts manufactured by the Global Enterprise Advance Research (GEAR). Each instances of RPC-XXX, designated from -1 to -61, appear to be preserved in a standard eye contact solution that remains permanently functional, so long as it is regularly kept in said solution.
RPC-XXX instances are often packaged in coloured eye contact cases and come with a 500 ml bottle of a regular recommended eye contact solution.
- I may be wrong with -61 since I subtracted 120 and 59.
…
About 120 instances of RPC-XXX have been discovered, with 59 instances that have been neutralized upon recovery.
- Suggestion:
About 120 instances have been discovered, with 59 instances neutralized since its initial recovery.
…
RPC-XXX instances are capable to give the subject a specific trait1.
- Suggestion:
RPC-XXX instances are capable of offering a subject a specific trait1.
…
The effects of RPC-XXX instances continue to be in effect when a subject accumulates multiple instances. But multiple instances being used at the same time may cause fluids from the subject's eye to be coloured the same as the RPC-XXX instances. Below showcases each of the 4 groups and the effects of the currently seized RPC-XXX instances.
- Suggestion:
The manifestation of RPC-XXX instances continue when a subject accumulates multiple instances. However, multiple instances used at the same time may cause the subject's iris to be coloured the same as RPC-XXX instances.
(Space)
Below is a showcases of each four individual groups, followed by the effects of the current seized instances of RPC-XXX.
…
The first discovered RPC-XXX instance was discovered when the tears of Japanese Idol singer [REDACTED] was reported to be coloured yellow and red. The Authority took notice of the Japanese talk shows discussing the topic and dispatched a small team to Japan, Hokkaido, to take [REDACTED] into custody for an interview. In [REDACTED]'s apartment, a document was found folded under her laptop. A transcript of the document is available as Document-XXX.
- Suggestion:
In Spring 2011, initial discovery stem from the Japanese idol singer [REDACTED], when it was reported that her iris color became yellow and red. Embedded Sierra-08 assets within the National Police Agency (NPA) were dispatched and investigated the incident.
The singer was taken into custody and questioned by Sierra-08. Their apartment was investigated and a document was found under their laptop, folded and opened. See the attachment below.
"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
The various traits have been divided into four groups categories, those being occupational, personality, physical, and mental trait.
The four groups aren't terribly clinical. I would recommend renaming them to "Occupational, Behavioral, Physical, and Physiological"
The subject will become skilful skillful at anything of in relation to the visual arts, such as paintings, sketches, digital art, and or graphic design.
Although very skilful skillful at visual arts, they are not knowledgeable of any part of art history.
Reword to:
This effect only applies to a subject's artistic skill, and does not have any impact on the subject's knowledge regarding art history.
The subject becomes knowledgeable about the workings of any modern machinery and can identify the internal structure of modern machines when given an image.
Acting: Effect: Unknown
If they don't know the effect how do they know it affects acting? Same goes with sculpting.
The subject gains knowledge of every culinary dish from every culture and will be aware of how each dish is cooked. The subject will also be able to pick apart any dish they taste and will criticize it when given the opportunity.
Lol they become foodies. Very nice.
Literary: The subject gains enhanced imaginative comprehension and literacy skills, as well as capable of writing in any genre for any target audience.
An enhanced vocabulary would also be a good effect to add to this one.
The subject becomes a person who constantly tells jokes, each one tailored to each person that they are targetting. targeting.
You can also add increased wit, sense of comedic timing and gaining an instinctual understanding of how to tell a joke effectively.
I feel as though the physical effects should also have some mental effects bleed in to add some depth to them. For instance, the "Fit" effect should also come with increased energy levels and subtle shift to a more active lifestyle. So some couch potato that puts one of these on would start to go out and exercise more.
You could also do something with "Muscular" and increased aggression/ attraction to more contact heavy sports, such as boxing or rugby or something.
Another one that I can add some recommendations to is "Ambitious." Ambitious can be a double edged sword. On one hand it can get you motivated to do something, on the other, it could mean you are willing to achieve a goal by any means necessary. To reflect this, you could add something like:
All misgivings or mental blockages that would hinder the subject's ambition are removed.
My goodness add comma the price for the occupational lens! Worth more than my your net worth alone!
Head Researcher Harold R. Ames: Alright, I think all that info is good for now. that's all I need for now.
Idol: I would've I would if I remembered.
This is an interesting idea that has a lot of potential. I really enjoyed what I read. That being said, I feel as if more can be done with this. Some of the traits feel a little uninteresting since they lack any drawbacks. I enjoyed the one where the user became a foodie, more subtle changes like that would really help to make the article more memorable. In addition, I think the users of the item developing a reliance on the object over time would be interesting to pursue. A sort of Flowers for Algernon kind of scenario, where users are given great abilities, only to have the taken away when they take off the lenses, leading to them naturally not wanting to take off the lenses.
I was also surprised that GEAR didn't intentionally make the lenses run out over a period of time. It would be a great revenue stream, even without the reliance I suggested. If there would be anything I would change, it would be the lenses lasting for years.
Overall I really enjoyed this piece, it has a lot of potential and I look forward to seeing it complete.
Good work.
"the Global Enterprise Advanced Research (GEAR)"
this needs one word to become grammatically correct:
"the Global Enterprise for Advanced Research (GEAR)"
"The subject becomes knowledgeable of every medical subject"
Using subject again feels off, try this:
"The subject becomes knowledgeable of every medical field"
feel the description of the art one could be extended a bit, like *how* does it improve visual arts?
I feel acting could be given some sort of description like "Gives the subject the ability to express extremely lifelike emotion" or something along those lines.
Is Tortilla brown a legitimate colour? I really want to know
"as it makes the subject convincing and cunning."
Both of these words aren't clinical. Best thing would be to substitute with something like: "Persuasive and opportunistic"
the rest i'll look deeper into some other time. The interview's dialogue could be reworked a little bit to add a bit more character, (also Harold doesn't need to be flown around the world to interview someone, having a researcher closer to the place would be better). One of the things i think we should really focus on is how we can't remove all of the RPC's from these people's possession due to the possible repercussions. If we focus more onto that i think it'd be interesting.
Weird Spacing at the beginning, I recommend removing the space between the hazards and object classes
However, during these testings, Head Researcher Ames is to be present at all times.
The However seems a bit unneeded here, as it's already assumed to be a logical continuation of the previous statement.
If instances of RPC-XXX is discovered,
are
instances are to be recovered immediately unless the subject of RPC-XXX requires the object for occupational or survival purposes and the removal of RPC-XXX's trait from the user would cause public attention to the person's change in behaviour.
This needs to be condensed or separated into two sentences, it's a run-on as it stands.
Each instance of RPC-XXX, referred to as RPC-XXX-1 and onward
henceforth collectively referred to as RPC-XXX-1
appear to be preserved in a standard eye contact solution that remains permanently functional
appears;
irreversible damage such as burns, tearing and dyeing will permanently neutralize RPC-XXX instances' anomalous properties.
Oxford comma
RPC-XXX's anomalous effects neutralize naturally upon consistent use for 10 years.
Consistent is a bit off here, I recommend regular instead
RPC-XXX instances are capable of offering a subject a specific human trait
are capable of offering a subject a specific human trait is a bit passive, since they aren't just capable of doing it, they do it. I'd reword this accordingly, maybe RPC-XXX instances alter a subject's person based on a variety of predictable variables (refer to showcases below).
with only 21differing effects in Authority custody.
space, and custody is a bit of a misnomer, as the lenses aren't people (or are they? :O)
The various traits have been divided into four categories, those being occupational, personality, physical, and mental trait.
traits
Showcase seems fine conceptually, but really keep an eye on your grammar. And do pay attention to what ICFD has said, as he gets it pretty much nail on the head here.
I'd put the discovery log (The first discovered RPC-XXX… …as Document-XXX.) in a box, like this. Have the collapsable outside the box.
Test Log 4 seems a bit memey, but you can reword it to make it work a bit more tone-wise.
As for the Current Users list, try using Under Investigation rather than Investigating. Works better tonally.
You could probably add the Research Division CSS to the final article, as this feels really Research Division heavy in regards to how the phenomenon is handled.
As people have already drilled the grammar and stuff for this article I will focus on formatting.
I recommend moving the image block css above the rating module so it sits near the top of the screen and is not in the center of the article.
I would space out the trait test logs and not have them sit right on top of each other.
I would try to figure out how to integrate some of the addendums into the article itself I.E. (Please see interview log-XXX). As too many addendums kinda looks strange. Maybe try merging some addendums?
Finally, I would recommend figuring out some other to implement the hazard images as they just look awkward as they are now.
Let us begin :D
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything.
RPC-XXX is to be contained in standard security locker in Site-002.
I think it's missing an "a".
If instances of RPC-XXX are discovered, instances are to be recovered immediately.
I recommend switching this sentence to passive voice. Actually, I recommend switching all sentences to passive voice, but I especially recommend this one.
However, if the confiscation of a person's RPC-XXX instance may cause public awareness, users of RPC-XXX instances are permitted continuous use of RPC-XXX under Authority supervision.
Personal peeve, suggest adding "to be" in between.
About 120 instances have been discovered, with 59 instances neutralized since its initial recovery.
I don't think the Authority uses "abouts", given that the Authority is a concise, scientific group.
Overall, my main thing would be to use more passive voice. The grammar is decent but could be better at the moment.
Structure and Lore
Each instance of RPC-XXX, henceforth collectively referred to as RPC-XXX-1, appears to be preserved in a standard eye contact solution that remains permanently functional, so long as it is regularly kept in said solution.
I don't think that making it "RPC-XXX-1" is needed.
Also, I found the collapsible formatting to be a bit strange. RPC-896, RPC-722 and RPC-242 are what I consider "standard collapsible".
Content
Ah. Ah.
Its a set of contact lenses that change your personality. It's by no means bad but I wouldn't consider it particularly interesting. The worst thing is, I have no idea what to do to make it more interesting.
Mid-tier narratives can be made great with narratives. Let's see…
Narrative
Mid-tier ideas can be made great with narratives. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be one at the moment.
I mean, there's random things that branch out about the anomaly but they seem to branch out randomly. It's not exactly interesting and kind of leads to a lack of payoff for reading.
I recommend adding a narrative. RPC-137 and RPC-068 are some good reference points for adding a narrative to mid-tier ideas. I also recommend watching the story for Limitless, which explores the story about performance-enhancing drugs.
Suggested Reading