RPC Authority

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/jokah

Under fucking fleshlight. Previous crit archived here.

Lay it on me, please.

“RPC-XXXX is known to make requests for maintaining a body, however due to testing protocol the Authority must refuse the requests. Any excuses used must have been previously used or otherwise linked, to prevent issues with RPC-XXXX refusing to co-operate during experiments.”

This is excessive just say:
“Any requests for a body by RPC-XXX is to be denied.”

“Chamber. If RPC-XXXX is not secured in the chamber, Authority personnel must search the CSD involved in testing fully before releasing back into CSD populace.”

the CSD populace

Don’t capitalize chamber

“Dr Deus Lothar Vulte”
Period after Dr

“RPC-XXXX is an Amazing! Co. branded”

“sex toy”
There’s probably a better word then sex toy

“No trademark for this nor similar names were taken by Amazing!Co.”
Space after amazing

“- the area that would contain it ordinarily will instead [REDACTED]”
Make this a footnote and remove the dash

“Attempts to replicate RPC-XXX-2 has resulted in highly unstable behaviour including schizophrenia, psychosis and suicidal depression of the creation once active.”
Attempted Authority replications has been prone to highly unstable behavior, including schizophrenia, psychosis and suicidal depression.

“it is believed that this structure somehow”
Just name it RPC-XXX-2 so you won’t have to name it random stuff

“The body is typically a female of the species with the shape, colour and any other features being typically what is preferred by the partner in a female. This is not restricted to the known biology of a species - a human body created by RPC-XXXX could potentially have feathers instead of hair covering the body or secrete different substances. Typically this is seen as an attempt to recreate a fetish of the partner. The body generated will be nude.”
The body is typically a female of the species with the shape, colour and any other features being typically what is preferred by the partner in a female. This is not restricted to the known biology of a species - a human body created by RPC-XXXX could potentially have feathers instead of hair or secrete different substances. Typically this is seen as an attempt to recreate a fetish of the partner. The body generated will be nude.

“RPC-XXXX's typical personality is flat and clinical, but requests can be made to change and 'finetune' the personality to suit the partner. RPC-XXXX”
Make these RPC-XXX-2 seeing as it would cause confusion

“it is able to appeal to the partner with knowledge it shouldn't ordinarily have.”
Amazing Co., its subsidiaries or its creator, it is able to tell the partner knowledge it shouldn't ordinarily have.

(Be more specific, what’s the extant of this knowledge it shouldn’t have? It would probably just be better to say that “Once RPC-XXX-2 is created it has knowledge of” then the rest)

“food for fecal matter and beverages for urine.”
This is obvious delete it

“women was [REDACTED],”
Every time you use redacted in this block use the black boxes instead

“of a unique design”
Delete this line

“as Researcher Vulte felt uncomfortable using the anomalous object.”
Even though this is funny delete it cuz they wouldn’t let a researcher do it anyway especially because I assume this is one of the first times using it

“So. The current anomalous”
Comma instead of period

“You, CSD, will be noted”
Give him a number and remove the second comma.

“in standard voice What would you prefer, [REDACTED]?”
Put these around action <> with the italics and again use black boxes(black boxes are for names and redacted for just redacted info)

“RPC-XXXX: silent”
RPC-XXX remains silent

When someone only does an action put it between the to lines of speech and just describe the action like I did

“silence, then a sigh”
<sighs>

“to Researcher Vulte I apologize, Mr Vulte,”
Remove the italics part she literally says his name

“to self This is weird… Can't I get any clothes?”
Remove “to self” and why can’t he have clothes? You never explain why

“to Partner No. to RPC-XXXX Very well then, what about the location you were found at? The factory in Massachussets?”
No. to RPC-XXXX Very well then, what about the location you were found at RPC-XXX? The factory in Massachussets?

“granted a name?
Researcher Vulte:”
Space out speech

“No. My prerogative is in figuring you out then determining if multiple cases of you exist. Given the technology in use here… I'm not even sure if there are copies of you.”
No. My concern is figuring you out then determining if multiple cases of you exist. Given the technology in use here… I'm not even sure if there are copies of you.

“The MST in charge of the recovery operation found relevant boxes in the offices section, according to location blueprints.”
In footnote

“silent for 34 seconds, with no change in expression or personality”
Remove personality

“studying RPC-XXXX's expression … Mhm… So you know nothing. leans back in chair, audibly sighs This is going to be a mess, learning your origins. But humanity didn't grow without bashing a couple of sticks or rocks together… For now, we move on. What of the living situation you were in before, the factory. What do you know of it?”
<Dr. Vulte is silent for a few moments, looking at RPC-XXXX closely>

Mhm… So you know nothing. <leans back in chair, and sighs> This is going to be a mess, learning your origins. But humanity didn't grow without bashing a couple of sticks or rocks together… For now, we move on. What of the living situation you were in, in the factory? What do you know of it?

“The MST and MTF were disbanded after interviews, amnestics were administered to all personnel and a new MTF and MST were formed from unrelated personnel within a 3 month gap.”
Idk if they would be this harsh. Your gonna have to ask someone that knows the lore

“annoyed look on his face”
<Dr. Vulte visibly vexed>

“broken into next…!”
Remove the periods

“Post-interview,”
Delete

“I'm only going to say this one more time - if you [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] the damn anomaly without recording that you've done so, we're restricting access. It's messing with RPC-XXXX's memory and making it difficult for us to retain its focus on our studies! If you want a bone, go find a pumpkin patch with a friend. No one will watch. - Researcher [REDACTED]”
This is funny but researchers shouldn’t be able to fuck it anyway. Just say they’re doing it even though they’re not supposed to

“Head Researcher Deus Lothar Vulte's additional supply request for ██ shrubberies in ceramic pots was denied on the gorunds of unneccesary expenditure.”
Change gorunds to grounds and if this is a not shown request put it in a new box. Another thing maybe put Addendum: before each statement and remove the boxes

Only thing a have to say is: this is actually a funny article, and thank god you actually speak English which are both rare for some reason.

Humor falls flat for me here. But it's subjective so maybe others need to have a look at it. As for the article itself, while its competently written, it just doesn't do well to convey that it's funny. Interview log conveys what we already know, doesn't tell us anything new and didn't even get a chuckle out of me. I think you should get more people to look at this rather than just me cause I don't think this is funny.