producing a loud thudding noise
Is there a way to express this in decibels?
[https://www.cdc.gov/nceh/hearing_loss/what_noises_cause_hearing_loss.html Useful link.
sending pieces of itself up its arteries to an unknown place. Most of those pieces do not return back to RPC-XXX while its mass remains constant, leading to the conclusion that the entity is capable of self-replication.
A) The usage of the word "entity" may not agree with the initial description of it being a "mass of molten rock" which implies its inanimate. I suggest changing it to a suitable word or changing the base description to make it plain that it is in fact an entity in the shape of a heart. Given how you describe this thing later on, I would go with changing the base description to conform with the word entity.
B) The word "up" in "pieces of itself up its arteries to an unknown place." may be inappropriate if we're to assume this anatomically resembles a heart completely. Thus, it would have posterior, descending arteries. The word "through" is better here.
C) I don't believe the word 'conclusion" is apt here in "to the conclusion that the entity is capable of self-replication." So they have no way of directly proving the conclusion, its more like a working theory.
My reasoning for this is I'm assuming the scientists could only collect incomplete data on the RPC because of its extreme temperatures. 1800 kelvin exceeds Basalt lava at approx 2200 kelvin. I also make this assumption given you specifically say "pieces" in a vague sense because we can reasonable assume its very difficult for mass spectrometry devices to detect the "exact pieces" being sent through.
D) remove the word "back" given it repeats what "return" already stated.
The function of the one piece RPC-XXX mass which returns to its source after every beat remains undetermined.
What do you mean "one" piece when it explicitly stated "pieces" plural prior to this? Also:
One hypothesis suggests that it acts as an informational appendage providing RPC-XXX with data from the outside.
If its an appendage, just state its that or something resembling a sensory organ.
The function of the one piece RPC-XXX mass which returns back to its source after every beat remains undetermined.
Same here, nix the "back".
When attacked, RPC-XXX will create small earthquakes and disturbances
My problem with this is its 1800 Kelvin. What would even touch something like that and not melt? You state later on what are essentially mythological creatures, but you don't really explain how they resist even ambient temperatures exuded from lava tubes near RPC-XXX.
I might find a synonym or express there being some sort of irregularity to its heart-rate.
ignored, bubbles will form on RPC-XXX's surface and then bust, sending streams of lava travelling
Change "bust" to "burst".
Change "travelling" to "traveling"
enter a hyper-aggressive state characterized by rapid bursts of lava streams in all directions
I would avoid "anger-states" or derivatives thereof, especially for a giant rock heart. Again, its really hard to believe anything would attack this thing much less scientists would deduce behavioral traits like "hyper-aggression" from the entity.
Suggestion: Remove all instances of this thing being attacked and edit those sentences to agree with this line you put: "RPC-XXX's heartbeat can be slowed down if living organisms of the Animalia kingdom fall into the magma pit below."
As it seems this is the primary danger of the entity as it will trigger these behaviors when sacrifice quotas are not met.
Unless the monsters mentioned in the following Discovery text are a usual occurrence for it.
If that is the case, I would honestly elaborate on them as XXX-1 instances given their a part of the biome. Else wise, the existence of an extant and unexplained anomaly makes this entry highly confusing.
After consuming an animal in this way RPC-XXX
comma after "way"
When Authority personnel reached the chamber they witnessed the monsters destroy a sculpture by exhaling acidic fumes onto it.
Refrain from using the term "monsters" and replace with a more clinical synonym like "unknown creatures" or even create a RPC-XXX-1 designation for them. As it stands, its highly confusing why they're just there in the first place.
Comma after "chamber"
There are some major considerations you must make before moving forward with this piece.
A) How are the unknown creatures not melting? Their inclusion in this piece not only creates an extant anomaly you have to explain the physiology of (because wyrms aren't native, non-anomalous animals) but it also creates a weird issue where you have to explain a lot more than you really need to. Additionally, the lava tube should exude ambient temperatures if its that close to the base of RPC-XXX which is 1800 Kelvin.
B) Why are the MTF not wearing protective, heat resistant gear? Example of a proximity suit that resists 1650C.
This appears to have angered
How do the researchers know that in the initial discovery? Its a giant heart that exists inside of a magma pool that exists inside of a dimensional anomaly. There's a lot of layers that obfuscate "intent" much less "if RPC-XXX can even be defined as an entity at this point in time."
In fact, I'm even entirely sure where the RPC is in relative location to the lava-tube, the monsters, and the MTF. This requires further elaboration.
neutralize the targets in order to prevent eruption
Nix "in order" and add "an" before "eruption".
Rottmanner's chest was hit by RPC-XXX's lava burst, indicating that he attacked the entity.
Again, how do you attack this thing? Why weren't they found with insulated gear?
Addendum 1: Archaeological finds
Specify that the finds were discovered around RPC-XXX in the Sub-Vesuvia Crypt or dimension in which RPC-XXX apparently exists in.