The tent wasn’t dark by any means; the thousands of watts of flood lights shone through the thin tarp.
I feel like this sentence is a little odd, just saying "flood lights shone through the thin tarp" would get the same message through.
Kelly knew it was all about breaking him, as per interrogation protocols he taught to her ever since they first met.
Still, it was topped with tarp and plastic doors—although they did line the ground with an extra layer of tarp… and at least they went a step ahead and ensured the Colonel’s privacy.
This sentence confuses me. I don't understand how they are ensuring his privacy. Are the extra tarps covering up something? Are the doors? Why is this even mentioned?
But Colonel Bacall did get a leather rolling chair all for to himself.
Connors liberated herself and took a seat took the offer and sat on the aforementioned polymer chair but Keller was still standing on her southwest—all stoic and rigid.
Liberated is not the best word to use here, it has too many different ways of being interpreted. Also you usually don't say things like "all stoic and rigid" in narration, it sounds way too much like dialogue.
“With your permission, Colonel, I would like to stand.” Asked said Keller.
He's not asking a question, he's stating a preference. Also most written dialogue like this doesn't capitalized the end parts. It's "I'd like to stand, thanks." said John, not "I'd like to stand, thanks." Said John. This is because the actual quotation and the sentence telling the reader what the person said are two separate things, so it doesn't make sense for the a sentence ending in quotation to end the other sentence, thus needing another capitalization.
“You tell me, Keller. Two Americans running through a dense neighborhood of mostly senior citizens in broad daylight carrying guns? Not to mention that you two did/ discharge your guns indoors? No warrant, no warning, no nothing?”
Code error.
“Almost killed Diego Navarro, yes, I know the story. Yet, based on what I heard from the ASF detachment on the city, I feel you had a more… quieter quiet method on the situation.”
The Colonel wrapped his hand around his chin. “Whatever We'll get back to that—now what happened to Sergio Andrew?”
Nothing really wrong with the original except it's kinda odd to learn about a demon running around only to respond with "whatever."
Still wrapping his chin with his hand, Colonel Bacall said: “God, I don’t know how O’Connor puts up with your shit.” Followed followed by a sigh.
This a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier, this is all one sentence, just with a quote in the middle, therefore "followed" shouldn't be capitalized.
Connors turned her back and leaned her posterior on the table.
“What other choices choice do I have?”
The circumstances for his visit may differ now but they will meet the exact same way they first do: did: With Verulus' hands in chains while Keller walked free… or so he thought.
He scoffed once more, genuinely unimpressed by his proposition to the point it's he found it painfully humorous.
This was pretty well written in my opinion. It had parts where it dragged on a bit but overall it kept my attention and was an interesting read. There aren't too many grammatical or spelling errors either, so it was a relatively smooth ride. I quite enjoy where the story is currently going based on what I have read.
Good work.