Nitpicking time
It remains unclear whether or not this represents natural geological activity or a the precusor precursor to an eruption, but many of the other seismological signs are not present.
"Seismological signs" is kind of vague and I'm not sure whether this is in relation to the natural geological activity or the possibility of an eruption.
It goes without saying that a major anomalous event near a large tourist city, especially one that occurs in or on an active volcano, is of particular concern to the Authority.
If it goes without saying, why say it? :grug:
Ay-Oh-Eyes
This is confusing as shit. Just use "agencies".
This video log seems pretty unnecessary. I don't think it gives any important information, nor does it act as a hook.
A short tram ride and some walking later, and he arrived at the section of the barrack wing assigned to MST Foxtrot-4.
You know what, forget it- get your ass to your bunk and start packing, we're moving out.
Run-on.
gave an approving not nod
The younger man rolled his eyes, shrugged, and then gave a wave of his head towards Fox, who was still apparently engrossed in his paperwork.
The crowd of MST personnel lined up in front of an incongruous-looking folding table covered in with computer equipment that had been set up under a folding awning.
I'm Jacobs, you probably saw my pretty little prerecorded briefing sometime yesterday.
Run-on.
Don't worry about the language barrier, he probably speaks better English, French, and Latin than most of you do.
Run-on.
Don't cross the yellow lines, don't bother the monks.
Maybe a run-on, but the parallelism makes it feel alright.
your advance team set those up this morning, they should still be working there.
Run-on.
You switch between "Foxtrot-04" and "Foxtrot-4" a few times.
There's too many characters jumping in and out of scene for me to care about any of them, which made the tale pretty boring, save the rare line that's way funnier than it should be.
The rewrite is a lot more coherent and effectively written than the original, but the story is a hell of a lot less interesting. At least the original had conflict. This tale is what you'd imagine happens between episodes of a slice of life. The last line is like a fucking insult, telling you that when the episode actually starts is when it gets interesting.