You'll find it a lot easier to write your draft in the sandbox and just post a link here!
Continuing from the crit I gave on the sandbox forum.
At or around 0800 on ████/JAN/20, the Assigned Child Care Expert for RPC-XXX, Dr. ███████ Slot entered the assigned room for RPC-XXX.
Add a comma after "Slot".
calling the Dr. doctor by her first
close her Eyes
Capitalization.
while dispatching a three man emergency medical and security force to the room.
This is an incomplete sentence and the first word isn't capitalized.
During this time RPC-XXX had her specially assigned headgear knocked off of her head by RPC-███.
The fact that this is even possible is a massive security oversight and I can't believe that the Authority could miss something like that.
covering her dead with a blanket.
Her dead? What does that mean?
All other RPC's and site personnel exposed have recovered from mild exposure symptoms.
RPCs*
All residential RPC's have been assigned to remedial training on the importance of following safety protocol in order to prevent future incidents such as these.
RPCs*
to neutralize the RPC-XXX's anomalous effects.
official Notes
Capitalization.
loyalty to the authority
Capitalize Authority.
To Choose the form of her destroyer as it were.
Choose shouldn't be capitalized.
to spend it's free time
its*
based on it’s behavior
its*
Thanks for the help Vizlox. Ill try to to get the capitalization and possessive punctuation under control for the next draft.
You gave a lot of feedback for proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I was wondering which parts of the story needed work? particularly the Logs, notes, and emails.
Which parts should I build on? what should I shave down? Cut out? should i place them in a different order or should I just change which ones are collapsible?
**Object Class:** ##yellow|Alpha-Yellow##
##FFE100|Alpha-Yellow## to match the color of the object class
130 degree field of vision
130-degree
personal use
recreational purpose
Head of Security for site-026
Site-026
RPC-XXX may be escorted by her assigned child care expert
(Inconsistent capitalization with "child care expert" compared to above, either capitalize all "child care expert" or don't)
a memetic hazard capable of causing temporary to permanent Paralysis, Nerve Damage, or Death.
(Description of the anomaly is more in line with a cognitohazard)
Paralysis, Nerve Damage, or Death
(Unnecessary capitalization)
has shone effectiveness
shown
The potency and permanence of RPC-XXX's memetic effect is roughly proportional
are
have shown some mitigation of these effects
have shown to mitigate these effects / have shown to be able to mitigate these effects
…these effects, extended or repeated exposure, however distorted…
these effects. Extended or repeated exposure, however distorted,
(Start a new sentence)
lethality of symptomes
symptoms
when the memetic affect takes hold
memetic effect / cognitohazard
and is still considered highly dangerous.
("still" is unecessary because it was never not dangerous)
Especialy, however not limmited to,
especially, but not limited to,
those addapted from algorythums derived from RPC-XXX
adapted, algorithms
The nature of this imunity is curently being studied.
immunity, currently
Recent cross testing
cross-testing
have shone no adverse effects
has shown no adverse effects
with Cross testing in person between the two
with cross-testing in-person between the two
On Duty Security Monitors
On-Duty Monitoring Officer
heard RPC-XXX calling the Dr. by her first name twice
doctor
ordered RPC-XXX to close her Eyes
eyes
while dispatching a three man emergency medical and security force
While, three-men
muddled exposure which occured
occurred
specialy designed
specially designed
based on past Indiscretions
past transgressions
Protective
protective
The alarm was immediately sounded
(By who?)
on duty guards
on-duty
forcing RPC-XXX face down on the grownd
ground
covering her dead with a blanket
dead
>The extreme closeness of RPC-███ at the time of her exposure caused unavoidable brain damage. RPC-███ later perished due to her exposure symptoms, and has been re-classified as Neutralized.
(Add a space between ">" and the text)
The extreme closeness of RPC-███ at the time of her exposure caused unavoidable brain damage.
The proximity to RPC-XXX at the time of her exposure caused unavoidable brain damage to RPC-███.
RPC-███ later perished due to her exposure symptoms, and has been re-classified as Neutralized.
(Sentence can be put inside a footnote)
This Email is sent to inform all personnel
in order to neutralize the RPC-XXX's anomalous effects
in order to neutralize the effects of RPC-XXX
I have filed a formal Disagreement
Formal Disagreement
Dr. Acosta's Recent Proposal
recent proposal
treatable through on site counseling
on-site
I have also sighted
cited
fallowing right behind him
following
I have 4 Daughters
four daughters
before she's Beta_Orange at minimum.
before she's a Beta-Orange at minimum.
(Since these are spoken transcripts, formating isn't really required so maybe just write them as "alpha yellow" and "beta oragne", same with changing the numbers to just words)
we will table all options
leave all options on the table (Since I've never heard of that term)
To Choose
to choose
it will be determined by the higher ups
the higher-ups
based on it’s behavior
its
(Move footnote to the end of the page)
I have no gripes with the article other than the usage of Memetic hazard instead of Cognitohazard which granted, is unclear in their definitions.
While I love the bureaucracy of managing an RPC and the implication of Site-026 as a child care / humaniod containment facility, the total lack of interaction with the RPC itself is really jarring, although if you were to expand on it you'll probably have to dedicate a whole new section to it.
1: RPC-XXX is a human female of mixed Western European descent, currently 8 years of age.
(What else is she mixed with?)
2: “Repeated exposure to RPC-XXX's cognitohazard has proven to drasticaly increas the lethality of future exposure”
(Repeated exposure to RPC-XXX's cognitohazard has proven to drastically increase the lethality of future exposure)
3: RPC-XXX's cognitohazard has demonstrated some level of effectiveness towards all mammals and marsupials, as well as most reptilian, and avian creatures capable of sight within the human visual range.
(RPC-XXX's cognitohazard has demonstrated some level of effectiveness towards all creatures capable of sight within visual range.)
This is all I could find that needed fixing. I couldn't stop reading this. I really got hooked to this RPC. :O
Pretty creative.
Well, you asked me. I'll give what I can.
Containment Protocol:
Head of Adolescent Care for Site-026.
change "for" to "of"
the low threat housing
add a hyphen. "low-threat"
custom made
add a hyphen. "custom-made"
real time
Hyphen: allow me to introduce myself.
"real-time"
assigned
the assigned
Btw, the containment protocol seems lack of direction for the personnel. What the personnel must do when met with it and what to do if there's an incident.
Description:
She has
use It. "It has"
(Don't worry. You can use "She" or "Her" on note and stuff after this.)
Genetic testing of RPC-XXX shows
change "shows" to "has shown"
persistance
you means "persistence?"
note that below is a list of typo you've made
symptums
symptoms
resalution
resolution
initialy
initially
drasticaly
drastically
increas
increase
The nature of this affect
effect
her own affect
effect
especialy
especially
limmited
limited
algorithums
algorithms
Discovery:
several hospital staff
add an "s". "staffs"
18 Hospital staff
add an "s". "staffs"
I recommended adding a Addendum: before the note section. It need to be separated from Discovery section.
Addendum:
the ACCE for RPC-XXX
add a comma after RPC-XXXX.
Recent cross testing
add a hyphen. "cross-testing"
hazard,
remove the comma.
Hopefully
add a comma.
Incident Log: ████/JAN/20
At or around
Be certain. Remove either "Ar" or "Around".
Dr Slot
Dr. Slot
down,
remove the comma.
For this reason
add a comma at the end of "reason"
Incident Log: ████/OCT/16
Incident Log: ████/DEC/06
is it OCT or DEC?
Meeting Log
Lets not forget
Change "Lets" to "Let us"
And shes just
change "shes" to "she's"
You
ass "Do". "Do you"
effected
affected
real time
add a hyphen. "real-time"
study it more,
remove the comma
We can't do nothing about this.
Hemm.. sounds weird, how about adding "just"?
"We can't do just nothing about this."
cannibal queen,
remove the comma
hat
that
we have a we have
we have a we have
phisicaly
physically
exited
excited
where
wear
My thought:
I don't know if there's a medusa-type anomaly existed on the site yet, so this will be perfect.
Still, there are questions from me,
Have you tried using blind personnel yet?
What if personnel just avoid eye contact with it?
What if we weaponized it?
That's all I have to say,