Minor Stuff:
Assigned MST(s): Deployed ASF/Hotel-1-"Highlanders"
Assigned MST(s): Deployed ASF/Hotel-1 ("Highlanders")*
Research Lead: Ebonie Alandman
Dr. Ebonie Alandman*
Part 1 of the Article:
Containment Protocols:
OL-Site-CA Must maintain
Decapitalize "must"
defense around the territory of RPC-XXX
I think something like "defense around RPC-XXX's immediate area" would sounds better
While combat with RPC-XXX-A is not necessarily inevitable
While direct confrontation*
Periodic anomalous support
A what now? Explain??
Due to the threat fire presents to ships and siege engines, naval combat should be restricted to skirmishes and interception of RPC-XXX supply and transport ships.
I mean, couldn't you attack them with modern tech when they are entering/exiting the island, and are already out of the "force field"
Description:
RPC-XXX is constructed into the walls of the cliff from on-site materials
on-site materials? You mean they used materials from the sounding area or something? You should change the wording
Due to the magic potential of RPC-XXX-A, tight formations are unable to assault the hotel
Magic potential???? You mean as in thier capability to use magic? And how do they use Spire Elve magic if they are technically not elves? Can you explain the things you say in this article, because this is becoming a recurring theme.
wielding weapons and armor styled after the Japanese Edo period
I get why, but wouldn't they be more suited to use Spire Elve weapons, or replicas of them?
Most notably, all instances appear to lack internal organs or known vital points.
Yeah this sounds cool and all but how are they able to do basic biological processes amongst a long list of things. If you wanna go with the "they have no organs or anything" give some explanation on how they are able to work in that way without just saying "because anomalies"
Btw, I still wanna know how they built a fucking hotel of this proportions in the island to begin with
Contact Report:
I don't get why you redacted the dates, it has no real use, maybe the last part of the year could be redacted. But in-universe this would just be a mess to read and understand
It appears Kabushiki Kawaii may have some means of entering the island that RPC is unaware of.
The only way to enter the island is entering it, its a physical space, aka the island of pabbay, only way they can enter without being detected is by being very sneaky
Leaked E-Mail:
The Fairy Land is now open to the public!
The Fairy Land, is now open to the public!*
Price (per client): 107201000.00 ¥
That's around 1 million dollars per head, and you didn't give how long the stay is. This could result in this being ultra mega expensive for how little aside from magic it gives, or it could be ultra cheap regarding $/stay time
Interview with a Kabushiki Kawaii client:
Capitalize the word client in the collapsible
Also i dont know why you make the character's dialogue "enclosed like this" its really not necessary
Level 4 Senior Researcher
Level-4*
Since capture, the Protection and and Containment demanded an interview with any holded clients to see the process of recruitment and delivery to RPC-XXX.
Idk how you missed so much grammatical errors
Since capture, Protection and Containment personnel have demanded an interview with any hostage clients to see the process of recruitment and delivery to RPC-XXX.*
«Alandman shows a photo of the son of Ickelren with a cloth bag on his head.»
Pretty sure this breaks all laws and treaties set by the UNAAC, alongside some war crimes. There are far better ways to make someone talk, you can just use drugs or other methods of psychological manipulation (not in the way you did here of course)
Alandman: "We're in international waters, Bart. I can do it with just one simple call. It's up to you."
They are near Pabbay, so its still scottish waters, and im pretty sure it is still illegal
«Alandman lifts the remote.»
Idk what this means, since you said the remote is to leift his cuffs, i think you left this on from the time the remote was for a shock collar
I gotta say, aside from the fact the Authority was maybe too violent with those poor guys depite knowing they were invited under the belief this was just a normal hotel was kinda over the top, and you should change it, like poor guy they showed him a picture of his son with a bag, don't need to be so brutal. But yeah aside from that I REALLY liked this interview, very good job
Contingency Plan "Filling of a Cave ":
**You could change the title to "Contingency Plan - Filling of a Cave" so it dosn't look so wierd
with our main direction of attack being to mine toward RPC-XXX
with the main direction of attack being to mine towards RPC-XXX*
This whole thing is a mess, I sugest you remake it so its more understandable in what it means, because I didn't get shit
Part 2 of the Article:
Minor Stuff:
The Email
Out of all the thing you redacted, you left the year date out, why, just why
Deployed ASF/Hotel-5 (“Sword Assault Team”)
**Out of all MST names, you used the most ass basic one. It would be good to change it to something more "interesting"
Outdated Containment Protocols"
Why the " at the end there?
Containment Protocols:
Updated Containment Protocols:
This part is not necessary, we already know they are the updated ones
in the recently set up OL-Site-XXX
in the recently constructed*
ecommended to use flame-based weaponry
Like what, you can't use modern tech so what, torches?
Description:
any hostiles they engage
any hostile entities they engage*
Incident-XXX-Alpha "Underground Digestion"
I don't like the redaction, nor do I see a point of it aside from the year date
Interview Log:
Ran: "Excuse me… what the fuck?"
Really?
«sighs and presents a document outlining the Fleshmancer»
How do they have a document about someone that was never even mentioned before, also you end up not explaining him????
Ran: "I'm sorry… are you implying… that Kabushiki Kawaii infiltrated our ranks?"
PoI-███: "Yes. Quite so."
I highly dislike this, given there is zero explanation for it, or ways in which they could have done so. Fuck, Anders from Fail-Safe had years to get in, and he was only 1 man, and he had a 1 way mission.
Final Review:
I don't like this article. It is very barebones and hardly fells like a CA article aside from the location its in, you don't talk about how other races would react to this, how they would act against the building, what would the Elves say about copies of them being used as slaves, and the Authority also doesn't ask them for help?
I fell as well that the second part is very lacking comparing it to the first one, its too short and you hardly explain anything in full detail. The Auhtority also acts in a very violent manner in this article, and idk why really.
This could very well be a hotel in California and it wouldn't change at all