This is my entry for the current Cair Aisling event.
First draft, hit me with that sweet crit. Been a while since I wrote anything and I'm probably rusty as shit.
The art depiction was not made by me, it was provided by a free resource website.
English is not my primary language, so I cannot say if the grammar is perfect. It looks fine to me but take that with a grain of salt. All I can provide is a layman's perspective. Now as for the context of the article itself I have to say it is different from the others I've read so far but it isn't a bad thing. This entire world of cair aisling is a fantasy world brought to life by the imagination of the fictional author and your article does well to play into that fantasy-becomes-reality aspect. The idea that somehow there is someone on the outside who is able to manipulate events that occur on the island is interesting.
I was worried at first that the fan fiction killer would turn out to be some edgy kid like the Deathnote guy but the fact that he seems aloof to his own actions makes this good.
I like it. Good luck.
Question: How is this a teleportation hazard? I understand it being extra-dimensional but wouldn't that also cover the premise of it being able to forcefully move individuals into Cair Aisling? It doesn't deter from the article, in fact I thoroughly enjoyed it. It just stood out to me.
That aside, here are some changes I would advise:
…a type of rare metal that can only be obtained from meteorites
Personally I would use "rare alloy" in place of "rare metal" because it sounds more scientific. Clinical tone is the corner stone of any article.
…transporting victims into the pocket-reality
This may be me nitpicking but I'd prefer the usage of "Randolph Gowering's fictional realm" as opposed to "pocket-reality"
My other qualm is in regards to the fan fiction vignettes. Some portions feel off, as if written by an amateur but I can only assume this was done intentionally to keep with common stereotypes regularly seen within the fanfiction community.
- Haruka <3
Made some changes based on your suggestions.
As for the teleportation hazard, it teleports people from baseline reality and into another world. I think it meets the teleportation hazard requirements.
In regards to the fan fic bits, YES. I purposely made them structured in that matter.
Thanks for the feedback.
##yellow|Gamma - Yellow##
##FFE100|Gamma - Yellow## to match with the color of the object class
site-██
Site-███ (Authority Sites uses 3-digit designation)
Interviews with the inhabitants of Thievesport suggests that RPC-XXX-B is an entity commonly known as a Wraith.2
This looks to be more appropriate for the Description section rather than the Containment Protocol section
a recurring phenomena
the recurring phenomena
This in turn lead to
This, in turn, led to
Four additional incidents have have been documented
have have
The biggest problem of the article would probably be how it interracts with the victim, while it is cleaver of you to imply each people's connection to the Author, it would still be nice of you to include a brief description of each people in connection to the site. I would also add that their presence within Cair Aisling would most certainly result in them losing all of their clothings due to the magical barrier present, if that's not the case it should be stated, there is the fear that this might be considered lore-breaking to other people, so maybe make it temporary.
I don't know why the Author feel the need to include their statements in their own fanfic like the author of My Immortal. Or why the Author didn't get banned off the site for his vulgar behaviour. Additionally the Authority is very likely to have had traced the address of the Author, so why was it not mentioned? Just these kinds of bits and pieces that ultimately weighs the article down.
I appreciate your feed back, very much!
Side note: I accidentally uploaded an older draft to the site without all the adjustments and fixes. It should be all fixed now.
I combed over what you said and assimilated it into my article as best as possible. To answer your questions though:
1. Yes, clothing disappears on the victims. All cadavers are naked. I added that into the article in the final version.
2. The fan fic author is meant to be an angsty amateur and his writing is meant to reflect that. He's a shitty writer, no doubt. That includes the personal statements tossed in there. It was painful to write in such a manner but it was for the tone.
3. I also mulled over your suggestion regarding the IP address and the Authority tracking down the culprit's physical location, I added that into the article as well.
Over all, you've been very insightful and I appreciate your critique. I'm looking to improve here and this helps. Thanks!