RPC-XXX detained in Munich, 1908.
Add that this is a sketch
Motion tracking Infrared
Change to infrared
You need to add a few line breaks, such as in between the "All personnel that regularly enter within…" and the "In the event of a containment breach, a CSD…" sentences
invariably results in horrific and frightening visual hallucinations
This statement is subjective. Try to avoid that and go for more objective statements. Rewrite this to say something like "Hallucinations that have been described as being "terrifying" by victims"
RECOVERED DOCUMENT RPC-XXX.1
You need some formatting for this and the second document. Use quote blocks or a [[/div]] to achieve this
but every day that goes by him body more frail
Try rewriting it like this: but every day that goes by, his body becomes more frail
Every time approach his room
Every time I approach his room
her misery kn a moment
in a moment
Honestly this one just feels a little generic. Body hijackers is a concept that I have seen a lot of and this one doesn't feel too special as compared to the others. I will note however that the documents toward the end were a little interesting, but not enough to save the article. Also no log describing the hallucinations just feels disappointing. Remember chekovs gun and all. 2/5 for some neat little documents toward the end but points deducted for nothing interesting done with the idea and a lack of what could be some interesting hallucinations.
Thanks for the crit! I've made a few edits, including the addition of another addendum in the form of a police officer's notes detailing the recovery of a previous host, and how the hallucinations get worse over time until he is ultimately unfit for duty.
Grammar:
a tier three (3) secure humanoid containment unit
tier-three
Motion tracking infrared cameras are to have 24 hour supervision; and these cameras are to alert nearby security personnel should RPC-XXX enter an active state.
Motion tracking infrared cameras are in place for 24-hour supervision; they are to alert nearby security personnel should RPC-XXX enter an active state.
All personnel that regularly enter within 100 meters are to advised on proper evacuation routes and the locations of relevant PPE in Site-002.
within 100 meters of RPC-XXX
are to be advised
a CSD is to be straight jacketed
straitjacketed / strait-jacketed
repair damaged chain
repair damaged chains / repair the chain
if physical contact is made between a subject and RPC-XXX
by "RPC-XXX" you mean the host
will amplify as the subject
the subject subjects (As you have previously referred to them at the start of the sentence)
approaches to RPC-XXX-1
approach to
a residential area near it's prior hibernation location
its
This act typically entails asking for change or food from passerby
This act typically it entails asking for change or food from passersby
long lasting psychological effects
long-lasting
cameras and similar equipment is able to show
equipments are able to
as RPC-XXX becomes more malnurished
malnourished
physical contact of these protrusions
contact with
nonhuman
non-human
The following are excepts from recovered documents
excerpts
In truth i hate entering her room
I
None of us know what to say or do.
knows
our of her misery
out
Another crewmen
crewman
And the last claimed to have seen a wraith perfoming
a "wraith" performing
do the field work
fieldwork
I suppose it is possible that what the 3 drug addled men who recovered the body was a person
what the 3 drug-addled men who recovered the body saw
Whether the person I saw was the perp or not I do not know
Missing "."
another missing persons report
person / person's
I cant blame him
can't
Story:
only physical contact with RPC-XXX
It's just confusing, how would it makes contact with a person
Upon making physical contact with a subject a high temperature humanoid entity can be seen wrapping the protrusions around the subject and violently stabbing one into the head of the subject. The subject will then display elevated temperatures at the fingertips of their right hand, and the humanoid entity will disappear from footage.
This bit is confusing in that I can't tell if it was referring to a transference event or just it attacking someone
The above 2 problems becomes clear to me once I gave it more thought. You initially presented the idea as an "identity", which could have indicated a memetic phenomena, but as the article goes on, it slowly regresses back into describing it as an entity instead. It could have been nice because it fits very well as a colony of memetic organism latching onto people, and the details in the addendums works well at presenting it as something beyond human comprehension.
Also, Add Space in between Paragraphs, Please!