From a storytelling stand point, it was a phenomenal job. We get a good detailed description of who Timothy is and what his anomalous properties are, and given examples of what they are capable of. Though it might be just me nit picking but some words don't seem to mesh well with the articles. Perhaps something other than 'corrupted' or 'corruption' to explain the phenomenon he is displaying. Maybe physical abnormalities or deformities. Perhaps even mutations in this regard.
My only gripe was log 19 of the testing logs. I would expect Timmy biting CSD to be a reaction to say, an experiment gone wrong because the Authority was deliberately putting its test subject in harm's way. Plus it just feels off.
The big crux of the matter that really drives this article home is the interview logs. In fact, it is the RPC's strongest selling point that focuses more on the emotional and personal aspect of the RPC and the researchers involved with it. And honestly, we need more of this as the human side of these articles/tales makes it satisfying to sit and read through. Having the RPC recount on its past and inadvertently triggering its effects was beautifully set up and well-executed. The conversation flowed well. The audio log also drives it home too with the results of the incident and the emotional reaction within the child and how he is introduced to the tragedy that happened.
A real lovely read.
The pacing of this article devolves significantly as the article progresses past the description section. The central problem here is that this draft just drags on and on for way too long, especially at the behavioral and testing log sections. There are also a ton of grammatical errors and severe problems with the clinical tone in the middle of the draft, which I pointed out below.
I would recommend cutting down this draft as much as you can to its core story. Anything that does not meaningfully progress the narrative just needs to get axed in my opinion. Even the interview logs have some melodrama, mostly in the second log, that I think can be cut down to get at the main points quicker. I would recommend fixing these issues and get more critiques, because the article right now isn't ready yet for mainsite.
However, during the weekends, RPC-XXX is to be watched closely for 5 hours, during the procedure, RPC-XXX will be fed a modified meal-plan of glucose heavy foods to prevent health risks.
This should probably be two sentences separated around "during the procedure"
Main researcher
I think this should be replaced with a more clinical job title.
On the occasion of what is being designated "Activation of RPC-XXX-1"
I would just come up with a name for the activation event, or just say something to the effect "when RPC-XXX-1 is activated"
XX/XX/XXXX
I think you should replace this with either white-out spaces, or a data expunged/redacted. It looks unusual as-is.
and access to affiliate-level clearance under the Project-107 administration.
What happens to the access?
his tenure
Who is this referring to?
SD Reginald.
Reginald is his first name, shouldn't it be his last name used here?
with RPC-XXX is to be directly dealt with by the NORTHCOM
Drop "is to be directly dealt with"
due to
determined by
and eyes
What color eyes?
was developed
Was a cataract artificially developed on his eye? If it was naturally occuring, then just drop "was"
as "corrupted" parts, which are the affected body parts
"Parts" seems repetitive, maybe change the second "parts" to "sections" or something.
The aforementioned anatomy
Not sure if the phrasing here is off or not. See if another reviewer says anything.
communication
communicating
main facial
Drop "main"
(Given It's sheer size)
Place this within the preceding sentence instead of separating it like this. Or, add a footnote and provide more details on its unusual size.
appearing to be way smaller when existent.
I don't know what this means.
holes and orange pigmentation
We know his skin already suffers from this, so this seems repetitive.
last: Growing significantly
Replace the comma with a period.
Growing significantly larger and physically capable with each activation.
What is this sentence referring to?
It is unknown what is the activator for the anomalous metamorphosis is
"The activator for this anomalous metamorphosis is unknown"
See Discovery Log and Addendum-XXX-3 for information.
This is fine as-is, but you could also italicize or put this in a footnote as a stylistic choice.
is a log
Drop "is a"
the endurance of the bone/cartilage
Change "the" to "its"
through the coverage of an unknown liquid
Change "coverage" to "spreading"
problems
Maybe replace this with "issues" or "injuries"
to the subject When
Lowercase "when"
how much
"how intense"
increase the bone
Change "the" to "its"
bone structure and size, being able to raise the bones of the feet to up to 47cm
"foot bone structure and size up to 47cm"
in his
Replace pronouns with the neutral form "its"
a rather similar liquid.
Similar to what?
problems
injuries
Left ear
Capitalize "Ear"
localize
localizing
research
Capitalize
and churches that it
Drop "that" and add a comma after "churches"
As areas
Add "to" after "As"
were killed do not
"were killed, this does not"
yeild
yield
Main mouth
Capitalize "mouth". Which mouth is this, facial or hand?
the mouth
Which mouth?
to "communicate"
"of 'communicating'"
The maw
I don't think this is a clinical term.
was noted to be capable of absorbing essential nutrients and "energy" through consumption of a subject.
What type of subject? His digestive system isn't absorbing nutrients like in a normal body, its his mouth instead?
Behavioral
Lowercase
Miranda Thatcher,
State her job title in front of her name.
RPC first behavioral report
RPC second behavioral report
RPC third behavioral report
RPC fourth behavioral report
Capitalize all the words.
subject agreed on weekly classes.
I think footnote this since this isn't important.
Arrival
3rd Month
Event-058
Recent events
I really think this should be standardized in some way, maybe relabel all the reports under the "Event" designation.
RPC-XXX's behavior is currently predominantly disruptive, dominated by anger, with intense distrust towards any Authority staff, showing extreme signs of hostility both verbal and physical for all attempts of social interaction, interviews, and testing are held bi-monthly, and no direct interaction is to be made without previous authorization by level 4 personnel.
Big run-on sentence here, break this up.
agreement over the higher rankings,
Did you meant "agreement with the higher ranks"?
lead researcher
I can't recall if this is a proper noun or not, but if it is, capitalize his job title.
research, A
Change comma to a period.
minimum of 1 and a maximum of 6
1-6 of what?
are to be present at its accommodation
"are to accommodate it"
currently really friendly and more welcoming than before
This is really not clinical, fix this dude lol
without many problems if any.
Just say "without issues"
RPC-XXX is also able to have conversations with no difficulties with staff on the area or his co-workers.
Redundant information, we know he can speak fine already.
It currently resides safely at a facility that only a selected few have access to the current location.
Fix this sentence, and specify its level authorization.
young kid, he
Change comma to period.
even be daring to say,
"even dare to say"
love. Not
Change period to comma, and lowercase "not"
a wreckage
"the wreckage"
on the
"near the"
northwest
northwestern
Local residence said
"A local resident said" or "Local residents said"
had discovering
"were discovering"
ASF arrived,
ASF arrived first, not an MST unit?
on the local
Change "on" to "to"
which was in flames at the time.
Redundant, we know it was in a forest fire. That brings up an issue, how did ASF know he was causing more damage to the forest than the fire was, isn't everything burnt already?
Measuring
Lowercase
lead to the creature falling constantly.
"caused the creature to fall constantly."
Maybe change "creature" to "anomaly" or something else clinical sounding.
constantly changing courses constantly
Obvious phrase is obvious. Fix.
It is to be noted that the anomaly was unable to walk in a straight direction,
What is this notable? It already is off-balanced.
Besides that,
Drop this.
in area
"in the area"
it's body to be moving
"its body was moving"
being
Delete.
1. Some
Change period to comma and lowercase "some"
Alpha-3 "Scavengers" were called for the nearby area.
Shouldn't they have found the anomaly first over ASF? Also change "called for" to "deployed into"
Dr.████
This isn't one of the known doctors?
would display
He did display, so delete "would" and change to "displays"
The subject would make a full recovery
Missing period.
The phrasing here should be rewritten for clarity.
Date: 13th of April, 2005
Date: 21st of October 2008
The rest of the Date/Subject lines had a period, but these ones didn't. Either add a period to all these, or remove periods from all the other lines in the logs.
paralysis, on
Remove the comma.
Still standing up, but trembling. After
Change period to a comma, and lowercase "after"
being
Delete
falls down, which appeared to be the effects of epilepsy.
"suffers from what appears to be an epileptic seizure./falls down, suffering from what appears to be epilepsy"
weeks. (2 weeks and a half.)
Just specify this instead of lobbing the info off in parenthesis.
**Context: **
Messed up the code here. Remove the extra space.
**Context: **After the recent discovery of the usage of the left ear, it was shown to have anomalous effects attached to it, one of those being after concentrated for at least 4 minutes, the subject was able to identify the mental state of an individual.
We know this already, it's redundant. Delete it or rewrite it shorter.
6 minutes and a half,
"6-and-a-half minutes"
point at the subjects and point out their current mental state
"point" is repetitive. Fix.
mental state, the following are the results of his second activation.
Replace comma with period, capitalize "the". Change the period at the end to a colon.
the RPC Authority Medical Ward
Specify the Site here.
minutes, it
Replace the comma with "and"
minutes RPC-XXX
Add a comma in the middle.
researchers was
Change "was" to "were"
where death occurred.
"where a death has occurred"
hands, it first started with basic weights, and increased
"hands, starting with basic weights increasing"
the weight that an infant can carry.
the weight that an average adult would be able carry.
the weight that a muscular adult is capable of carrying.
with weights a bodybuilder is able to carry
an average weight an Olympic weightlifter could carry.
This is not clinical in the slightest dude. Specify the weight amounts.
Results:RPC-XXX
Missing space.
RPC-XXX lifted the object with ease
Didn't even add a period.
appears to lose balance and appears to be focusing
"appears" is repetitive. Fix
to his right
"on his right"
a random malfunction on the object makes it impossible for activation
Change this to say the malfunction deactivated the safety mechanisms.
On the next seconds
Just say "Within seconds"
the weight appears fell to the floor
"the weight appeared to fall onto the floor"
falling down onto the floor out of exhaustion.
"collapsing from exhaustion"
the dust of the walls cleared
Was the room dusty or something?
RPC-XXX was standing with the weights having hand marks crushed onto them.
"RPC-XXX was found standing; the weights having their hand-print impressed onto them/crushed into them"
imense
immense
infecting the start of his left hand, the left part of his face, and part of his torso.
Not sure what "infecting the start" means here.
Further testings have been temporarily halted, this is to not further spread RPC-XXX's anomalous effects
Fix the phrasing here.
During testing, audio logs were acquired, the following was recorded and is to be sent to Miranda Thatcher for future sessions.
What purpose did these audio recordings serve?
its main maw.
Already pointed out my problems with this terminology earlier.
It barely
"they barely"
without any energy left.
So he more or less just collapses on the ground, just say that then.
for medical
Forgot to add "attention" at the end.
to use
"from using"
Before entering the room, Dr. Bertold Dughir holds the door as he starts a small conversation with the interviewer Dr. J. Krown, explaining the current situation of the unstable time in RPC-XXX's life, and elaborates on how he should not bring any topics further than what they need to be, besides being careful with the sensitive topic.
Big run-on sentence here, just break this up.
attack, after the
Change comma to a period and capitalize "After"
on
with
table, what
No need for a comma here
answer his questions with honesty, is that ok?
"answer his questions honestly, okay?"
Dr. Krown extends his arm awaiting a fistbump, he then changes his form to a hand awaiting a handshake. No physical response is given by RPC-XXX, Dr. Krown backs up and sits down on his chair, giving up on the attempts.
I like this part a lot lol
Thank you Bertold. You
Comma after "you", and change the period to a comma. Lowercase the second "you"
After a small cough from Dr. Bertold, clearing his throat, and gives the researcher a tap on the back and then leaves the room.
"After a small cough from Dr. Bertold clearing his throat, he gives the researcher a tap on the back and then leaves the room"
was
is
mothy's
'-mothy's'
Crazy??? I mean what's the probability of that happening.
"Crazy right?! I mean, what's the probability of that happening?"
However, when not responded with a smile
Add "to" after "responded"
and stare at the table
Change "stare" to "stares"
Ok this is not working, listen
Replace the comma with a period. Capitalize "Listen"
work so how
Comma after "work"
looks concerned to the table
Why is he looking concerned at the table?
to be almost to be stuck
Remove the second "to be"
room, I know
Remove comma for a period.
the different direction of
"another direction from" or "a different direction from"
had that weird thing
Change "that" to "this"
can you elaborate on those nights.
Missing question mark.
together, I've never
Change comma to a period.
on the forest
"in the forest"
"started
Misplaced quotation mark.
broken, I got
Replace comma with a period.
She was a frail woman, she couldn't breathe inside that house, so I went to the door, running, it was locked, I started freaking out so I just started to bang on the door multiple times… until it broke down.
Run-on sentence, fix.
Upon second activation,
What was the first activation?
would attack several pieces Authority installations
I don't know what this means.
stagnated. Seemingly
Change this to a comma and lowercase "seemingly"
dissolved: Turning
Colon to comma, lowercase "turning"
DNA testing on remaining samples are still pending for review
Missing period.
not how the that works
Delete "the"
to contact but
"to contact them, but"
I think you care about that child more than you cared for myself in the last few years or so… Good luck Dughir.
Kind of awkward phrasing, maybe reword this.
close, after
Comma to period, capitalize "After"
after seconds
"After a couple seconds/After a few seconds"
being closed down.
"closing"
on the cafeteria,
"in the cafeteria"
RPC-XXX:I remember
Missing space.
got cute names to reefer anomalies
"to refer to anomalies" ?
You never read as "bad" to me so
Phrasing seems off here.
what type of insults could that dog brain
This seems out of character for RPC-XXX
Yeah
Lowercase
Instead
Lowercase
home, called
Change comma to semicolon.
Interesting concept. This entire article is one YUGE chuckwagon of information that is, at times, hard to keep up with. Execution needs some work. It kind of gives me early SCP "Able" vibes. With a little bit of polish though, it might just work. The biggest issue for me is the overflow of information provided. You got some parts of the article that feel overly saturated with convoluted bits of data which feels unneeded.
Now then, let's pick it apart:
From the original protocol
Episodes of post-traumatic stress, hyperactivity, or over-aggressive behaviors are to be notified to the following site staff:
I would re-word as "Any incidents involving episodes of post-traumatic stress, hyperactivity, or increased aggression are to be immediately reported to the following site staff:"
protocol revision 2:
By default, RPC-XXX is to be fed a low-glucose diet with the addition of any and all dietary requests being able to be made by either Lead Researcher or RPC-XXX itself.
Wording feels off here. I would reword as: "By default, RPC-XXX is to be fed a low-glucose diet which includes standard sustenance along with any pre-approved meal items requested by either RPC-XXX or Lead Researcher Bertold Dughir.
protocol revision 3:
As of 13/0█/201█, RPC-XXX has been relocated from OL-Site-XXX to Site-002's West Wing and access to affiliate-level clearance are under the Project-107 administration.
Wording feels off. Rewrite: As of 13/0█/201█, RPC-XXX has been relocated to Site-002's West Wing and provided with affiliate-level clearance via the Project-107 administration.
During RPC-XXX staying, all amenities and previous restrictions placed under RPC-XXX are to be provided by Protocol Laboratory personnel (dietary/contact restrictions, etcetera). However, RPC-XXX is currently allowed to receive weekly visits from a handpicked selection of personnel for research/social purposes, staff personnel are selected by SD Reginald. Disciplinary actions are to be given for any unauthorized contact with RPC-XXX by the NORTHCOM Regional Director.
Awkward wording, it almost reads like word salad. Kind of having a hard time understanding what it means. Are you trying to say that site-002 is now in charge of upholding Timmy's previous containment arrangements? If so, I suggest rewriting as:
Following this relocation, Site-002 personnel will be tasked with providing all amenities and overseeing all previously present containment restrictions. Along with these changes, RPC-XXX will now be permitted to receive weekly visits from personnel pre-selected by SD Reginald. These visitations are imperative to the subject's mental health and are to be conducted for research and social purposes. Any unauthorized visits will result in severe disciplinary action.
Description:
Description: RPC-XXX is a male humanoid of Hispanic ancestry, approximately aged between 14-15 determined by physical characteristics such as weight, height and facial features. RPC-XXX measures 1.75 m and weighs approximately 37.2 kg. Physically, RPC-XXX possesses a light beige skin, black hair, and brown eyes.5 It is to be noted that a minor cataract developed on the subject left pupil.
Rewrite: RPC-XXX is a Hispanic human male between 14-15 years of age.(add a footnote regarding how they concluded his age range through physical characteristics) RPC-XXX currently stands at 181cm and weighs 74 kg. RPC-XXX possesses physical traits commonly associated with Mestizo(add footnote here explaining what Mestizo is, grab definition off google. Most Mexicans are of Mestizo heritage.) ancestry, including a beige complexion, black hair, and brown eyes.(add the cataract as a foot note here. also get rid of the 'mexican' footnote, feels unneeded.)
In several regions of RPC-XXX's body, the entity appears to have undergone an unknown anomalous infection. Currently designated by RPC-XXX as "corrupted" sections, which are the affected body parts that are a host to a plethora of anomalous effects. The effects include orange pigmentation on the skin, the appearance of several open orifices, and the secretion of an unknown slightly corrosive substance. The aforementioned anatomy has many anomalous components, including his mouth,6 ear,7 and right arm.8 A mouth is found in the palm of the hand. RPC-XXX prefers to communicate through this second mouth, due to the difficulty of communicating through its facial mouth9 RPC-XXX's feet are affected to a comparatively smaller degree. Portions of the feet affected with RPC-XXX-1 have characteristics such as holes appearing to be of smaller size and posses less orange pigmentation.
NOW HERE. This is where we get to the meat of your article. The anomaly itself. The mysterious infection. The word 'corrupt' does not feel very clinical though. Use something else like 'afflicted' or 'effected' areas.
I noticed that you made a separate section explaining in detail how Timmy's ear/toe/hand/mouth works. Personally? I feel that adds clutter to the article which can lead to 'reader fatigue' as I like to call it. I would suggest shortening each description if possible and turning it into a collapsible bullet point list. Make a note at the end of the 'description' that says something like 'see Document XXX-1 for a detailed log of RPC-XXX's physical anomalies'
Rewrite? Something like:
RPC-XXX's most notable characteristics come in the form of an anomalous infection which has created alterations to various parts of the subject's body. Areas infected with this unidentified ailment exhibit discoloration in the form of orange skin pigmentation along with several open orifices which secrete a mildly corrosive substance. RPC-XXX's general anatomy also displays several qualities which deviate greatly from the standard homo sapien phenotype. The most prominent of these include the subject's mouth, toes, right arm, and left ear.
See Document XXX-1 for a detailed log of RPC-XXX's physical anomalies.
Again, this is just a suggestion.
Consider this 'part 1' of my critique. I'll be back to look over the rest of the draft.
PART 2: The Reckoning! Let's go!!!11!!one!!!
(let's take a look at this again) Description:
RPC-XXX's most notable characteristics come in the form of an anomalous infection which has created alterations to various parts of the subject's body. on the body of RPC-XXX affected by the anomalous infection, hereafter referred to as RPC-XXX-1, is noted to have anomalous properties and characteristics. Areas infected with this unidentified ailment exhibit discoloration in the form of orange skin pigmentation along with several open orifices which secrete a mildly corrosive substance. RPC-XXX's general anatomy also displays several qualities which deviate greatly from the standard homo sapiens phenotype. The affected parts include the subject's mouth, toes, right arm, and left ear.
Regarding Timmy's many abilities. I feel there are TOO MANY specific abilities. It's a lot to follow and some folks may have a hard time keeping up. I would HIGHLY advise trimming it down. Does Timmy REALLY need an entire section dedicated to describing his toes? I feel the article would benefit greatly from either (1) removing some abilities, this would make him feel less OP. Or (2) Generalize his abilities. Instead of making just his TOES have an ability, you can simplify it and say that certain abilities affect his limbs as a whole. Maybe the bone density/muscle increase applies to all of his legs/arms.
Keep his abilities list 'short and simple' because the main focus should be the RPC-XXX-1 entity itself. THAT is where the real danger and containment risk lies. Maybe remove the 'affected limbs' document and just turn it into a simple bullet point that fits into the 'Description' of the article? Something like this:
RPC-XXX's most notable characteristics come in the form of an anomalous infection which has created alterations to various parts of the subject's body. Areas infected with this unidentified ailment exhibit discoloration in the form of orange skin pigmentation along with several open orifices which secrete a mildly corrosive substance. RPC-XXX's general anatomy also displays several abnormal qualities, hereby designated RPC-XXX-1. These alterations deviate greatly from the standard homo sapien phenotype and appear to be symptoms of RPC-XXX's anomalous infection. These include:
- The subject's general body composition displays amplified physical strength and durability, including an increase to muscle and bone density. Subject is capable of increasing its bone density to superhuman levels at the cost of mobility.
- The subject's right arm is capable of producing a liquid toxin with corrosive and mind-altering effects. The subject's right hand also contains a fully formed "mouth" which is capable of vocalized speech.(add foot note about how this mouth is Timmy's preferred method of speech)
- The subject's feet are capable of secreting a secondary toxin capable of inflicting several physical ailments upon targets.(foot note describing the effects)
- The subject's left ear appears to exhibit telempathic(add foot note here, 'telempathic' means 'The psionic ability to feel or hear others' emotions.')
- The subject's primary mouth appears to be incapable of standard elocution. Should RPC-XXX attempt to "speak" with this mouth, the produced vocalizations(foot note describing the siren sounds) will result in severe behavioral changes in any listeners present.
Additionally, RPC-XXX appears to have the ability to transmogrify into a secondary stage. Please see Addendum-XXX for additional information pertaining to this state.
Let's look at the Discovery next!
Discovery: RPC-XXX was discovered on 30/07/2005 close to the wreckage of a forest fire near the small northwestern town of █████, Texas, USA. Local residents said they were discovering some type of "chupacabra" in the midst of the burning forest. When ASF arrived, the anomaly was apprehended quickly by Authority personnel, as the creature appeared to be a humanoid of approximately 3.75 meters, causing destruction to the local forest. During the initial incident, RPC-XXX-1 lacked proper mobility; measuring approximately 3.75m, it was observed to be struggling to stay in balance, which caused the anomaly to fall constantly. The anomaly was unable to walk in a straight direction, constantly changing courses. Personnel in the area noticed each limb of its body was moving individually without coordination, and most of them appeared to show muscle spasms. After a physical confrontation with the anomaly, it slowly turned back into a more human form. The subject is theorized to only have killed one confirmed individual, his mother, but many children were found with similar chemical burns from those tested in Addendum 1, some showing the effects of the substance. After the incident, RPC-XXX was brought onto Site-02 and was put under the supervision of the designated Lead Researcher Bertold Dughir.
Try Rewording it a bit. Since this takes place in Texas, I would advise referencing the 'Texas Rangers' since they are Texas's most active investigative police force:
Discovery: RPC-XXX was discovered in the town of █████, Texas on 30/07/2005 after Authority agents embedded in the Texas Rangers Division intercepted a series of reports involving an unidentified creature described as a "Chupacabra" which had been spotted amidst an active forest fire. ASF (I would look up the MST list and pick a legit MST instead of just saying 'ASF') was immediately deployed and tasked with investigating the scene which would ultimately lead to an encounter with RPC-XXX.
Upon initial contact, RPC-XXX was noted to have a notably non-human appearance and exhibited signs of severe disorientation. The subject moved in an erratic fashion, with every limb appearing to act on its own, which resulted in a constant loss of balance. This detriment facilitated its capture and after a physical confrontation with ASF, RPC-XXX's more anomalous properties would begin to regress, causing the subject to revert back into a more human appearance.
Following its detainment, ASF conducted a collateral damage inspection which confirmed that RPC-XXX was responsible for one (1) casualty(foot note, mention his mother) along with injuring several local children whom had suffered chemical burn injuries caused by RPC-XXX's anomalous abilities. Following this incident, RPC-XXX was transported to Site-002 and subsequently placed under the supervision of Lead Researcher Bertold Dughir.
THE AUDIO LOGS:
Gonna look at the interview logs next and give ya some feedback. My only question regarding the interview logs right now is… "Addendum 4: Bertold/RPC-XXX Audio Log" So this is an audio log between two RPC personnel with the RPC appearing later. Who recorded it? Was it a hidden mic? I would add a "Foreword" at the top explaining the origin of the audio.
Lastly, the "Project 107" addendum, my question here is "Who received this?" Does Timmy have access to a computer or something? Or did one of his caretakers/researchers receive it?
I'll be picking at the final bits later for some more crit. No need to overwhelm yourself with a whole flood of info. The interview logs definitely need some work to make them sound natural but that's a simple fix. Gotta focus on compacting the article first to make it reader friendly.
RPC-XXX's most notable characteristics come in the form of an anomalous infection which has created alterations to various parts of the subject's body, hereafter referred to as RPC-XXX-1.
Most articles that deal with disease, which the use of the word “infection” implies, usually designate the disease itself as “RPC-XXX” and the individual, Timmy in this case, as “RPC-XXX-1.” But, as Timmy is apparently the only case, I’ll let it slide — maybe get rid of the word “infection” altogether.
Upon initial contact, RPC-XXX-1 exhibited signs of severe disorientation.
Sort of sounds like you’re talking about two different people.
RPC-XXX is to be watched closely for 5 hours, during the procedure.
5 hours, so he doesn’t have another incident? Why not all day? What procedure? Are you referring to the testing logs?
RPC-XXX is capable of producing a type of slightly corrosive liquid
Find some way to quantify this, like the Ph Scale or something. “Slightly” means different amounts to different people.
The liquid, designated RPC-XXX-A appears to produce many types of mental and psychological injuries
appears to produce many types of mental and psychological injuries > inflicts various psychological effects
That’s it for the textual changes. About the sandwich thing — maybe it’s just a personal taste thing, but it’s so eccentric almost to the point of “lolfoundation.” not to mention that giving him sandwiches could probably count as a breach of containment protocol. Secondly, you should probably think about which of Timmy’s abilities are vital to the article, and cut out the rest. For example, the telempathic ear bit seems like a footnote in spite of its references in the test logs and audio recording.
The ending I like, in a cruel irony sort of way. The incidents seem to just get worse, but Project 107 doesn’t care as long as they can sic their anomaly on stuff, which could only make his mental health even worse. The Festival of Suck just gets worse for Timmy.
Hey, thank you once again for critting, I would just like to comment on Trande commentary:
"Most articles that deal with disease, which the use of the word “infection” implies, usually designate the disease itself as “RPC-XXX” and the individual, Timmy in this case, as “RPC-XXX-1.”"
They still don't know exactly what it is, they call it in some instances of mutation, others infection, but in general it just appeared one day, as you can see by the picture of him as a child!
glucose heavy foods
glucose-heavy foods
On weekends, RPC-XXX will be fed a modified meal-plan of glucose heavy foods to prevent health risks. RPC-XXX is to be watched closely for 5 hours, while during the procedure.
On the occasion of what is being designated "RPC-XXX-2 Activation"4 happens to occur in the area, heavy weaponry will be permitted by MST and ASF personnel to subdue the anomaly.
De-capitalize “Improved” in footnote 5.
Capitalize the first word in footnote 6 and footnote 7.
In the Discovery section, we are introduced to RPC-XXX-2 but aren’t told what this is in the description; this needs to be in there or right after it’s introduced in the Discovery. Also, the fact that the Chupacabra is the RCP boy we've already been introduced to could be delivered to the reader more smoothly. We get that it’s probably the boy by inference, wondering if it’s something we’re supposed to read between the lines about, and then it’s dropped very casually that “oh yeah this is RPC btw”. It’s a bit of a bumpy ride as it stands. Either state it upfront, say in the description, or leave it up to the reader to connect.
Document XXX-1: Affected Limbs
Foreword: The following log containing contains descriptions
including an increase to in muscle and bone density.
(Given its sheer size)
I would take this out.
telempathy15
Is that supposed to have an m in it?
Log-XXX-16
Context:After
Space after the colon here.
My issue with Log-XXX-16 and 17 is that the anomaly got it right (<)50% of the time, which should statistically be identical to guessing. How do they know this is a true anomalous trait and not the boy just guessing? Right now it looks like a cheap crowd reading truck that pop culture mediums do. I’d make the percentage he is correct higher, or make him telepath very specific details.
Looks like a formatting error (bold text) in Log 19.
Dr. Krown extends his arm awaiting a fistbump, he then changes his form to a hand awaiting a handshake. No physical response is given by RPC-XXX, Dr. Krown backs up and sits down on his chair, giving up on the attempts.
haha I love this bit
The interview is really good.
the entity would stop all bodily motion 2.57 minutes
This is oddly specific. Just say 3 minutes.
Bertold, We can both lose our jobs, maybe even… our lives?
De-capitalize “we”
Haha i love that this guy’s name is officially Jimothy.
Dr. Bertold: And I wasn't the only you were rude to.
You’re missing a “one” in there.
Dr. Bertold: I was bitter for a long time, so I just kept adding more and more cheese.
I love the sense of humor you keep throughout this, very Kloth.
temporary normal humanoid containment cell,
I’d change “normal” to standard for tone purposes.
this message is to be accessible to you.
Add “only” after “accessible”.
I’m not going to lie, that insignia at the very end reminds me a lot of a nazi swastika.
I think this is a good piece that was ultimately enjoyable to read. I think it really picked up in the interview and stayed good from there. Before that though, the pacing was a little slow and the anomaly a little too complex, stuffed with what seems like extra and unnecessary components to it. I would take away much of the testing logs and try to simplify the anomaly’s traits, such as removing the second mouth, the slightly corrosive agent, and the telepathy. They don’t really come in to play in what happens, only his ability to grow and be very strong is necessary to make the story.
So, if you can’t get rid of things, do it. I think if that point you’ll have a nice, strong article with no flab.
RPC-XXX is to be contained in a standard humanoid containment cell, modified with reinforced stainless steel walls and monitored under 24-hour surveillance.
I'd probably modify the 24 hr surveillance phrase.
RPC-XXX is to be contained in a humanoid containment cell, modified with reinforced stainless steel walls and monitored 24 hours every day or a day.
On weekends, RPC-XXX will be fed a modified meal-plan of glucose-heavy foods to prevent health risks, during this, RPC-XXX is to be watched closely for 5 hours, while during the procedure.
It's 2 separate sentences. Also some redundancy.
On weekends, RPC-XXX will be fed a modified meal-plan of glucose-heavy foods to prevent health risks. During this time, RPC-XXX is to be examined for 5 hours.
RPC-XXX's most notable characteristics come in the form of an anomalous infection which has created alterations to various parts of the subject's body, hereafter referred to as RPC-XXX-1.
I'd modify this and further text to refer to the infection as RPC-XXX-1, rather than the symptoms. It makes it easier to refer to affected areas of RPC-XXX as infected. Notably you do actually do this during one of the testing logs - keep it consistent.
RPC-XXX's most notable characteristics come in the form of an anomalous infection, hereafter referred to as RPC-XXX-1, which has created alterations to various parts of the subject's body…
The liquid, designated RPC-XXX-A inflicts various psychological effects to the subject when inhaling or ingesting the liquid.
Probably wouldn't give it a designation, but if you do encapsulate the desginated phrase in commas properly.
The liquid, designated RPC-XXX-A, inflicts various psychological effects to the subject when inhaling or ingesting the liquid.
(80kg)
Results: The subject appears to be at his limit, researcher Bertold appears worried and is about to tell the research team to stop, but RPC-XXX confidently requests an additional weight increase.
Capitalize titles. I wouldn't bother with the "is about to tell the research team to stop" phrase personally. Make it something he reports on post-testing.
Results: The subject appears to be at his limit, Researcher Bertold appears worried but RPC-XXX confidently requests an additional weight increase.
… Note: write in character as Bertold mentioning how he wanted to pause testing at the 80kg mark.
Besides being careful with the sensitive topics. He also explains how RPC-XXX can have a shifting emotional state and he should be careful not to generate a panic attack.
Comma, not full stop.
Besides being careful with the sensitive topics, he also explains how RPC-XXX has a shifting emotional state and he should be careful not to generate a panic attack.
Dr. J. Krown: Ok this is not working. Listen, I'm new at my job, and I've been trying to find new ways to do those interviews, and I really want this to work, so how about we try something new?
Just some basic literacy changes I'd make.
Dr. J. Krown: OK, this isn't working… Listen, I'm new at my job and I've been trying to find new ways to do those interviews. I really want this to work, so how about we try something new?
Addendum 2 in general: This shouldn't have happened in general, especially once Krown and the RPC started to talk about their respective pasts. I might just be nitpicking though. It might be better to have this happen during a test by having a CSD cause an incident where it taunts the RPC.
ADdendum 4: Punctuation. I'm not going through and showing what changes I'd make - I don't have that in me at the minute.
Addendum 5: Why is this being sent to the RPC? Why by email? IF they didn't want others to know, they wouldn't use e-mail. If Project 107 isn't an Authority project, why would they show this to the RPC?