The Fall -- Tale
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/rotalma
Collab with the awesome Rota, and a crossover between the RCPA and Children of Nihil!
We're pretty proud of this one, and accept any criticisms you may have!
The Fall -- Tale
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» The Fall -- Tale
Summary:
RCPA X Children of Nihil OTP. Collab with Rota Fortunae.
This is extremely well done and doesn't have many issues right now except for a few:
Martin's death is robbed of any impact because his character is barely set up before his death. He doesn't even have any dialogue before he's killed off.
This could also easily be split into two parts, because you have many different sequences of events that the characters go through but never give the reader time to digest some of the things that are being described. It's especially bothersome since a lot of the things that the team sees are described incredibly well and carry the horrific tone across perfectly, but since there's nothing in the way of a mental break in between the events it becomes hard to appreciate what's being described individually.
Other than that, you've done a great job. I look forward to seeing this uploaded.
Edit: With the new additions, I don't think it needs to be split into two parts. It's a lot better now.
Here goes!
TYPOS? MAYBE.
The cold air may refreshing now, but he knows that soon it will turn to torture for all of them.
The first portion of this sentence feels off. Should it be The cold air may be refreshing now ?
he could not cow to mystery
Edit: This sentence is actually correct lol!
THE STORY ITSELF
All I can say is… bravo. I really enjoyed reading this tale. From start to finish, it did not disappoint.
The references to other undisclosed "RCP" anomalies was great. The fabled hornet hive and 2248. It creates a sense of wonder that makes the reader (me) want to learn more about this doomed expedition party's home world. What other horrors have they seen? Mmm.
Great job with the characters too. The dialogue exchanges and even the silent gestures between them provided ample feel into each of their respective personalities and 'roles' within the expedition party. Martin perishing at the start and Laura's ear injuries were a good way to foreshadow the macabre events to come.
The audio logs between each act of the story work as a perfect buffer. Not only is it a good way to transition between scenes but it gives some insight into the thoughts/feelings of the unfortunate researcher as the ordeal progresses.
Overall, the story left me VERY satisfied. It creates a vivid feeling of venturing into the unknown, along with the horrors that would accompany such a scenario.
Critiquing on Request.
My main issue is that it is very hard to follow what's going on in the story. I understand that the confusing nature of the Tower should be reflected in the article, but that shouldn't be the case before the fall. Much of the language at the start just seems excessive and not important to the story. I think having more straightforward writing at first, then having it progressively become more chaotic as the team goes deeper into the tower is a better approach.
tracery
What is this?
Laura- no, Doctor Scott, nods, smiling.
Is this intentional?
ASF’s
No apostrophe needed here.
So far, this first section I find needlessly long. The dramatic language used here to accentuate every emotion and detail just seems overly excessive.
This second section has the same issue for me at the beginning, mainly just the detailed language seems unnecessary. I am not a fan of the numbers section, maybe I am not understanding what its significance is, but right now it's distracting. The rest of the section has no issues I can see.
earth.
Capitalize
He assures he can hear beating
He assures who?
wanderlust
I've seen this term before, but perhaps put a footnote for those who don't know what it means.
Knew their history, and hated him for it.
Incomplete sentence technically, lack of subject.
realises
realizes
and the fire bright enough
Add commas around this phrase
lines of a thousand thousand teeth
Repeating word
The second row of teeth give into another mouth
Not sure if the phrasing is off here
kenosis
apses
What is this?
My team is uhh, Lara Scott, medical aid
Laura Scott
(Never was Lara used from here on again, not even when Nadhir is trying to maintain his professionalism. So I would assume this to be a typo.)
an agent with sufficient expertise in extradimensional tower
towers
(unless it entirely referring to just 8300, in which case it would be "the extradimensional tower")
in mediocre attempt to cover his cynical gaze.
a mediocre attempt
an infurating epidemy
infuriating
I’m Nadhir. Nadhir Gererra.
Gerrera
vocal chords
vocal cords
Nails' abrupt gesture
Nails’s
(Used more commonly in the rest of the text)
Is it true you’re almost entirely made of parts in liason with Nefteyuganskneftekhim’s fabled biorobotics branch?
liaison
The voice crawls up uncanny valley
the uncanny valley
other silhouettes surfacing one by one..
"." or "…"
one miracle stacked underneath the next.
stacked above (?)
megaconglomerate
mega-conglomerate
Nefteyuganskneftekhim.’s influence
Remove the extra period
perhaps one thousandth in the entire week
one-thousandth
he quells it almost as quick as it comes
came
Then Martin collapses to the ground dead
Would have been more subtle if you have reserved "dead" for later lines ("Martin’s dead.") like you previously did.
remnants of the portal they’ve just fell through
fallen
Unexpected Situations Must be Percieved with obedience through Proactivity.
Perceived
The longer they await
wait
Naomi Girard has prepared
had prepared
Ashton’s masked face peers over the brink above to look down at Alexander?
Is he talking to Alexander or Nadhir?
Why is Nails name suddenly shifted back to Ashton with little build up?
Somewhere along the way they take a wrong turn.
took
trained in the spot the now gone SecForce trooper used to stand
trained on the spot the now-gone SecForce trooper used to stand
or struggling with old habit
old habits
the car-sized, flesh eating worms
flesh-eating
flood waters rising as a tower washes to shore in an ocean of stars
floodwaters
It takes a long time, but eventually the chants fade to nothing.
took, faded
Only the calmed steps of the five
There should only be four
The cold air may refreshing now
may be
the vague outline of mechanical limbs the only sign of their owner..
"." or "…"
“Nails-0059, wake up!”
Nails- 0059
Only the sight of Alexander and Laura distract him
distracts
Neither Alexander or Nadhir even think of setting up guard
nor, thinks
as paper planes sailed past..
"." or "…"
The part where they are climbing on the wall after the fall is probably the only part that's incoherent. And that's about it.
Shouldn't think about this too much, lest I want to get depressed to continue reading the rest.
/forum/t-13660292/the-fall-tale#post-