This prompted the Authority to activate the newly formed Project 107 unit
Unless I've missed something, you never explain what the Project 107 unit is. Is it a task force made to capture this anomaly specifically or does it have another purpose
Overall I enjoyed this article a lot. It seems like most of the issues have been covered already. The only other thing I don't understand is how this anomaly really represents "hope", if that's what you're going for. His desire to gamble doesn't coincide well with having him be a part of a wider group that represents different emotions, and he comes off more as a sleazy but fun character. Still, this was a well done article.
Overall, I really like the concept, its pretty fun to read, but there's just a couple things that I think could be ironed out. I don't think focusing on which part of RPC-XXXX being the "real anomaly" adds anything, nor him "imitating human behavior". I don't see why he would have any holes at all since that could allow the gas to escape, so as a suggestion maybe have him take the coins out of his pocket instead.
The wormhole subplot also doesn't go anywhere really. How he gets contained by the Authority wasn't very interesting. An interesting idea might be if the Authority finds him somehow in a gambling city like Macau or Las Vegas or some place that he would fit in.
I think the strength here lies in test logs where he plays games with the prisoners, and his demeanor in the interviews - those areas are where I'd focus on. Have the build-up to him killing the cheater after a series of normal tests, so its more shocking.
The interview could use some touching up, I think more focus could be given on maybe how he feels about his job and how he thinks about games. I'd have the 'mental insanity' sections be at the very end for comedic effect and have it overall be shorter.
I still don't know much about Amazing Co, but aren't the cartoon guys ToonfulTunez Inc.? Good luck!
RPC-XXX is currently located in the Site-002 wing local of Project 107
So the RPC is located in a wing near whatever Project 107 is?
limited number of staff
Maybe footnote a max capacity number here.
the consistent way
Is there an inconsistent way? Seems like a strange description.
capable of sustaining an entire week without activating RPC-XXX-A
What do you mean by sustaining?
any local ASF will be deployed to any locations where RPC-XXX has been sighted
Wouldn't an MST be better to send than an ASF unit? Those guys I thought stayed pretty much exclusively within the perimeter of an RPC site.
small firearms
Seems like a strange specification. I'll return to this after looking through the rest.
heavy suction mechanisms
Missing a period at the end here.
RPC-XXX and capable
I think you meant "is capable"
Appearing to morph his facial expression as to lip sync his words while speaking
So he's changing the drawing on his face, or is he just like sock-puppet moving where his mouth would be if it was a mask?
(with a consistency almost similar to that of fog)
This doesn't seem too important to know
While it undetermined
Forgot "is" after "it". Also, add "if" at the end.
the true anomaly
You could take almost any anomaly and if you split them up far enough, you could divide the 'non-anomalous' parts of them from the 'anomalous' parts, so I don't think trying to divide the Balloon Dude between the gas and the exterior skin adds anything.
gradually degrade the regeneration process.
How fast would it be?
just imitative behavior
Again, this is another part where you could argue any anomaly is 'imitating' human behavior if they are humanoid. There has to be something about their behavior that would be of note to be concerning, or it would have to be a central element to the anomaly. I don't see that being the case here.
a small, custom token with RPC-XXX's face on the front and a flame on the back.
I wonder if this should be specified earlier as RPC-XXX-03. Is it just a normal arcade token?
Beta yellow
I think you would capitalize both words as "Beta-Yellow"
Rural
Not sure why this is capitalized.
what is assumed to be a wormhole
That's a pretty big assumption.
difficulties
difficulty
members, RPC-695 let
Comma before "let"
RPC-695
Cross-link
let one small paper of Sudoku fall out of his pocket
Was there a reason he had that on him?
they agree on "servitude."
That is a little bit convenient for me that RPC-695 winning contains the anomaly.
reefer
refer
held back
hold back
I still like the concept of Balloon Dude, but I wish more testing had been done to show off his abilities and make them feel more relevant to the rest of the article. The 1st interview log does a good job of showing us his personality, and so does the game log, and I like the new Discovery log better now than the first one. The e-mail is also entertaining for me so that was not a problem I had.
The rest of the article doesn't quite work for me. The other two Balloon Dudes appearing in 186's cell is interesting but I wanted to know more about who they were and why they just showed up there in the following interview log. Hope - Joy - and Passion don't seem to have any connection to their personalities or behaviors, it's just kind of tacked on to the multiple variants and I don't think it adds anything to the article. I initially thought the 'hope' comment was just a joke but now that it seems to be part of a larger Amazing Co. production system, it doesn't work for me anymore.
There's a small line where Herbert says 'The coins at the end of every deal.' This suggested to me that perhaps there was a larger 'game' being played here maybe involving the coins and I thought that's where the article was going to go with the other balloon men. Maybe 186 lost on purpose when he encountered the Authority and the balloon men trying to kill him was to cover up the fact he might be defective in some way. All in all, solid work!
Liar's dice
What is Liar's dice?
small firearms
You mean like handguns as opposed to heavy armaments? Since they're an MST, their light firearms would be categorized under 'standard issue armaments'. I'm not sure how important specifying this is anyways.
The entity appears to emulate human mannerisms out of habit, but does not appear to comprehend the nature of the actions it emulates.
Others and I think I too have brought up this fixation on the Balloon dude acting human, and I don't exactly know what it adds to the story.
This is further implied by its occasional willingness to consume human food
Is there a facial hole for RPC-186? Again, I don't get the focus on this ability.
I think what your intention is to make Balloon dude feel relatable and us be able to empathize with his story, but not everything about him needs to be just like a human being.
the newly formed Project 107 unit
I am not sure why the Authority would deploy 107 to stop Balloon Dude. He doesn't seem more complex to stop than an MST would be able to handle, like MST Romeo-7 ("Suited Gentlemen") who handles urban anomalies.
Sudoku puzzle
I also brought this up before, but it stretches my disbelief to just have that perfectly timed event happening. Considering they're in Las Vegas, it shouldn't be too hard to have him get distracted by some game that would already realistically be there. That actually might make more sense if Balloon Dude offers to play some game like roulette with the Authority and then loses.
creates a gun
I wonder if his ability to just pull out a gun should be mentioned earlier in the description.
Kah!
Kakaka!
This is a weird expression for him to make. I would think another interjection like "Bah!" or "Pft!" or "Hoohaa!" would be less 'bird-like' for a lack of a better term lol
worthy of living
Missing period
Excuse, Anyway,
What?
Excuse me,
'excuse me',
them
they
I don't know what bolding the text here adds.
Hope
'hope'
Hell
'hell'
Hope…?
'Hope'…?
a type of guardian to that child?
I don't know if I buy the Authority (even if I accepted Project 107 was needed to stop Balloon Dude) believing Balloon Dude wants to be a guardian to the boy. He only lost the bet for 'servitude', and there hasn't been any other interactions between Balloon Dude and 695.
following message:
The spacing after this sentence is off. Maybe add another line of space.
my hat
Speaking of his hat, I think something should be said about that in the Description.
A spatial
Lowercase 'a'
Crit. Speed edition. Not doing a FULL line by line just yet because the article has some parts that might need to be looked at.
KNIT PICKING STUFF
To start off, I see you mention "Project 107" in the containment protocols. I'd advise making "Project 107" into a crosslink to your tale "Meeting 4190" for added depth. Otherwise, outside readers might not understand what Project 107 is.
Same thing with mentioning "RPC-695" - crosslink it. Tie it all together.
SECONDLY. The photo caption says "Picture of RPC-XXX outside containment." but the background literally looks like some random nigga's house. Those are clearly 'middle america' style 6-panel doors which are a standard style in houses. Doesn't look like an RPC facility at all. I'd change the caption to something like "RPC-XXX prior to containment." JUST A DETAIL THAT STOOD OUT AND BUGGED ME.
GRAMMO
Because of RPC-XXX's anomalous effects, the reliable way to contain the anomaly is through constant RPC-XXX-A activation.
Due to the nature of RPC-XXX's anomalous properties, the most reliable way of containing it is through the activation of RPC-XXX-A events.
Description: RPC-XXX is an amorphous gaseous entity, possessing a humanoid exoskeleton
"amorphous" means "without shape or form" but then you mention he has an exoskeleton, which means he DOES have a stable form. I'd remove the word amorphous.
Try rewording as: "RPC-XXX is a gaseous entity possessing an external exoskeleton with a rigid surface resembling, both in texture and density, an elastic balloon."
Despite this, RPC-XXX is capable of human communication through unknown means: Appearing to morph his facial expression6 as to lip sync his words while speaking.
Despite the fact that it lacks a real mouth, RPC-XXX is capable of vocalization through unknown means, even capable of animating its "mouth" in order to sync with spoken words. Furthermore, RPC-XXX is capable of altering its facial expressions, allowing it to display a wide range of emotions. (footnote 6 is unneeded, excessive)
RPC-XXX appears to comprehend most human emotions and senses, excluding both the concept of touch or to comprehend human appetite, as on many occasions it appears to imitate what is perceived.
This chunk could be removed, it doesn't feel like it adds anything relevant to the article. Content bloat.
RPC-XXX, while being able to consume human food, it does not require it to survive and mainly suffices off of diet of often flammable object or substances. The entity main method of consumption appears to be through the utilization of several orifices on its body that RPC-XXX is able to open, but prefers to use what it refers to as its "mouth." Digestion can take from about six to eight hours.
Question: how does it consume human food if its mouth is fake?
Again, this block of text feels bloated and could be condensed. Why do we need to know that it takes six to eight hours for it to digest food? It's not relevant to the grander scheme of things.
Maybe just say that RPC-XXX doesn't require regular sustenance and can survive off a diet of helium or something. Helium would make sense, since that is what balloons are usually full of. Or just say that it can survive off 'air' alone. That would make it practically easy to feed. Too much needless detail/info can bloat an article and cause reader fatigue.
it has been determined that this unknown fluid is the source of RPC-XXX's anomalous effects, including, but not up to:
"including but not up to" sounds odd, try: "it has been determined that this unknown fluid is the source of RPC-XXX's anomalous effects, these include:"
Foreword: After an individual won against RPC-XXX in a match of UNO, RPC-XXX talked about being more open to the proposal of an interview and more lenient to answer questions. A date was set and Dr. Herbert was called to be the interviewer for RPC-XXX first interview.
Foreword: After an individual won against RPC-XXX in a match of UNO, RPC-XXX talked about being more open to the proposal of an interview and more lenient to answer questions. A date was set and Dr. Herbert was called to be the interviewer for RPC-XXX's first interview.
RPC-XXX: Yes yes. Let's cut the fat. Tell me what I need to know: What'cha want, what your price is, Mr. You.
RPC-XXX: Yes, yes. Let's cut the fat. Tell me what I need to know: What'cha want, what your price is, Mr. You.
PLOT
So from what gathered, Balloon man is a product created by Amazing! Co. But what exactly is he? Was he created to be some kind of 'party performer' that Amazing Co. could send out to kid's birthday parties to do magic tricks and stuff? Does that mean there are OTHER similar Balloon men out there? Balloon men who are NOT as nice?
I think this has potential for some wacky/macabre world building on Amazing Co.'s side. The main problem here though is that the Amazing Co. connection is only vaguely referenced during the interview, I think the article would benefit from 2 things:
1. Balloon man goes into a little more detail about WHY he was created during the interview. and WHY he decided to run away. Maybe he got tired of just being a clown who entertains kids. Maybe he wanted to get into the big showtime spotlight as a serious performer (which is why he appeared in Las Vegas)
2. I think the article could REALLY be better if you added something after the 3rd addendum. A "Collection Notice from Amazing! Co."
Maybe Amazing Co. sends the Authority a 'collection notice' letter which basically says that if the Authority doesn't return the stolen product, they'll send some 'repo agents' to collect it.
On a side note. He appeared from a portal in Las Vegas, can't he use the portals to escape containment? The last part of the interview gave me an idea though:
WHAT IF HE RANDOMLY OPENS A PORTAL AND DISAPPEARS FROM HIS CONTAINMENT CELL FOR A FEW MINUTES BEFORE REAPPEARING. WHEN CONFRONTED BY AUTHORITY, HE JUST SAYS "Sorry, doc. Had to make a quick visit to Vegas again. Forgot my hat." This would showcase that he is easily capable of escaping containment whenever he wants but only sticks around due to his 'deal' with the Authority.
Just my suggestions.
where a limited number of staff[[footnote]]Up to a maximum of 5.1
You can just shortens it to just "where a maximum of 5 staff"
Authority should prioritize individuals of noteworthy skill in aforementioned games.
Not sure what you mean by "aforementioned games", it wasn't stated in the previous paragraphs, and the one below is just a list of prohibited games.
RPC-XXX will maintain a state of homeostasis should it be allowed the use of RPC-XXX-A anywhere from 4 to 8 times per week.
use activation
(Unless you meant RPC-XXX-1s instead of -As)
any local MST will be deployed to any locations where RPC-XXX has been sighted.
Suggest Change: an local MST -> local MSTs
ASF should make usage of small firearms and heavy suction mechanisms.
I suggest you change "ASF" more general like "Agents" or "Operatives", which could then be used to refer to both ASFs and MSTs.
Special vacuum like mechanisms
vacuum-like
under the accompaniment of RPC-695.
Suggest Change: accompaniment company
put a crosslink on one of the RPC-695 references
RPC-XXX appears to have great trust of RPC-695,
of in
physical strength, bodily-movements and mental capacity
, and
compress, contort or expand
, or
Despite the fact that it lacks a real mouth
Suggest Change: Shorten to "Despite lacking a real mouth"
Despite the fact that it lacks a real mouth, RPC-XXX is capable of vocalization through unknown means
Vocalization isn't really tie to the mouth and more the voice box of a person, and since you stated it to be gaseous entity, it can probably vocalize through vibrations of the air inside him(?)
even capable of animating its "mouth" in order to sync with spoken words
Suggest Change: Shorten "in order to" to "to"
excluding both the concept of touch or to comprehend human appetite
concept of touch and human appetite
This interesst on human culture
interest in
The footnote also seems to be incomplete
it does not require it to survive and mainly suffices off of diet of often flammable object or substances
they are not required and RPC-XXX mainly suffices off of a diet of often flammable objects or substances
The entity main method of consumption
entity's
Internally, RPC-XXX lacks any form of vital organs or anatomy found is majority of other organism.
found in many organisms
Instead, majority of RPC-XXX's mass,
Instead, the majority of RPC-XXX's mass
RPC-XXX has shown the ability to disperse or build up of RPC-XXX-1 from its body to…
The ability to
(The first bit isn't really necessarily much like the other bullet points where they too starts with "The ability to" or somethin similar)
disperse or build up of RPC-XXX-1
to
to gain both increased speed, durability, reflexes, gain or loose mass, and weight.
to increase speed…
gain or loose mass, and weight
gain or lose mass and weight
does appears to
does appear to
complexity of the desire state
desired
Despite being physiologically identical in both response and action to a humans
"a human" or "humans"
until it is able to recover a sufficient amount of the unknown substance for general locomotion
Suggest Change: until it is able to recovers
often to transverse otherwise impossible to reach areas.
traverse
a case by case basis
case-by-case basis
Such as an individuals "free will,"
Such as an individual's "free will",
During the third official protocol from Project 107
protocol from deployment of (?)
on a local Urban area on Las Vegas
in a local Urban area of Las Vegas
audience members assumed to be the new magician
assumed it
it was reported to have started playing alongside the Gamblers
gamblers
When police was called,
were
local RPC personnel intercepted the calls
local Authority personnel
(if police were called in then the Authority wouldn't really have successfully intercepted it)
after suggestions from each members,
member
and by this method it contained RPC-XXX.
it
and a shell type.
, and
Divided in turns, with those more guesses win.
(Do you mean to say something like best of three?)
RPC-XXX Expression appears to shift from a smile to a serious expression.
RPC-XXX's expression
After personnel enter to remove the body.
Personnel enter and remove the body.
RPC-XXX looks into every cup, realizing the ball is in fact in none of the cups.
Change it into some like, "The cups falls off, revealing that the ball was in none of the cups" which sounds more omninous, this is also because RPC-XXX already knows that the ball was in none of the cups, so it would be best that he doesn't look for it at all
That is not what I mean't.
meant
Oh, I flashed out, I'm sorry, next question please.
, please
sudokoh
Sudoku (?)
appearing to have a great self interest about itself
self-interest
Dr. Herbert: It's possible that you are suffering from severe mental instability, and possible insanity.
I find it questionable that you would reveal critical information to a suspected mentally unstable person about their ailments, which could very well triggers them.
Upon arriving the containment cell
arriving at
the source of the disturbance was a bruised RPC-XXX was found standing besides one wall of his containment
the source of disturbance was a bruised RPC-XXX, found standing beside one of the wall of his containment unit
A pretty decent character piece, I don't recall the involvement of AmazingCo when you first talked about it but either way it is a good inclusion.
RPC-XXX, while being able to consume human food, it does not require it to survive
remove the first it
RPC-XXX-1 is in control RPC-XXX
control of
including, but not up to
but not limited too
Such as an individuals
Make "Such" lowercase
When it appeared, audience members assumed to be the new magician
audience members assumed it to be a new magician
alongside the Gamblers
Make "Gamblers" lowercase
keeping the creature restrained
Wouldn't they say anomaly instead?
[[RPC-695]]
Epic fail
had a small paper of Sudoku fall out of his pocket
Try changing it to "Had a small paper containing a sudoku puzzle on it fall out of his pocket
RPC-XXX watches the object
watched
I'll do the rest later
i am here NOW to crit YOUR article (bloatmaxxed crit)
Thoughts:
I really like the concept, however, there are a few questions I have. What is "That place" mentioned in addendum 4? Also, in the discovery log, it said that RPC-XXX appeared through a wormhole. Did it make this portal itself? And if so, like Eldritch said in their crit, couldn't it use the portals to escape containment?
Crit:
In general, I would avoid using RPC-XXX 2 sentences in a row. Try switching out with 'the anomaly' or 'the entity'.
Hazards:
I might be missing something, but I don't see the need for the toxic or explosive hazards.
Containment Protocols:
"Contained within a standard, airtight humanoid containment chamber."
This is an incomplete sentence (grammarly told me so!!!), I would suggest merging it with the previous sentence, so it would look something like:
"RPC-XXXX is currently contained in Site-002's Project 107-wing, within a standard, airtight humanoid containment chamber.
Footnote 1 shouldn't exist, merge it with the sentence so it looks something like:
"The entrance to RPC-XXX's containment cell is only permitted to be open during an RPC-XXX-A event, where up to 5 staff are allowed to attend for observation."
"RPC-XXX is capable of enduring an entire week without activating RPC-XXX-A, before attempting to cause a containment breach. RPC-XXX will maintain a state of homeostasis should it be allowed the use of RPC-XXX-A anywhere from 4 to 8 times per week."
Like said above, avoid using RPC-XXX 2 sentences in a row.
Description:
"Despite the fact that it lacks a real mouth, RPC-XXX is capable of vocalization through unknown means, even capable of animating its "mouth" in order to sync with spoken words."
Change to:
"Despite the fact that it lacks a real mouth, RPC-XXX is capable of vocalization through unknown means, as well as being capable of animating its "mouth" in order to sync with spoken words."
"RPC-XXX appears to comprehend most human emotions and senses, excluding both the concept of touch or to comprehend human appetite, as on many occasions it appears to imitate what is perceived."
Remove 'to comprehend'.
Footnote 6 seems incomplete.
"RPC-XXX, while being able to consume human food, it does not require it to survive and mainly suffices off of diet of often flammable object or substances."
Should be:
"RPC-XXX, while being able to consume human food, does not require it to survive and mainly suffices off of a diet of flammable objects or substances."
"The entity main method of consumption appears to be through the utilization of several orifices on its body that RPC-XXX is able to open, but prefers to use what it refers to as its "mouth.""
Change 'The entity' to 'The entity's'
"Internally, RPC-XXX lacks any form of vital organs or anatomy found is majority of other organism."
Should be:
"Internally, RPC-XXX lacks any form of vital organs or anatomy found in a majority of other organisms."
"Instead, majority of RPC-XXX's mass, consists of a pocket of an unknown, gaseous fluid: Designated as RPC-XXX-1."
Should be:
"Instead, a majority of RPC-XXX's mass consists of a pocket of an unknown, gaseous fluid, designated as RPC-XXX-1."
(Such as an individuals "free will," or "soul.")
Such should not be capitalized.
Discovery:
In general, I think this part could use some work idea wise, at the current moment its a boring part of an otherwise good article (at least in my opinion).
"During the third official protocol from Project 107, sent to capture a Beta-Yellow anomaly on a local Urban area on Las Vegas. RPC-XXX appeared from a wormhole on a stage inside a casino."
Should be:
"During an operation by Project 107 (capturing a Beta-Yellow anomaly in an urban area of Las Vegas), RPC-XXX appeared from a wormhole on the stage of a local casino."
"When it appeared, audience members assumed to be the new magician, and clapped for the performance, RPC-XXX followed along with the audience assumption and did few performances using RPC-XXX-1 instances."
Should be:
"When the entity appeared, audience members, assuming it to be the new magician, clapped for the performance. RPC-XXX followed along with the audience's assumption and performed a few tricks using RPC-XXX-1."
"After that, it was reported to have started playing alongside the Gamblers, and when winning most bets, the owner asked the RPC-XXX to leave, which resulted in RPC-XXX confronting the security."
Should be:
"After that, it was reported to have started playing with the gamblers inside of the casino. After winning a majority of bets, the owner asked the RPC-XXX to leave, resulting in a confrontation between RPC-XXX and the casino's security."
"When police was called, local RPC personnel intercepted the calls and sent Project 107 members to the area. When arriving, the entity immediately attempted confrontation methods, and the group had difficulty keeping the creature restrained."
Should be:
"When police were called, RPC personnel stationed in the area intercepted the calls and sent the members of Project 107 to the area. When arriving, the entity immediately became hostile, and the Project 107 group had difficulty keeping the creature restrained."
"However, after one of the members, [[RPC-695]], had a small paper of Sudoku fall out of his pocket, RPC-XXX watches the object for a few moments until RPC-695 asks if it wants to play. RPC-XXX explains the bet, RPC-695 agreed immediately."
Nice formatting error (NOOB!!!). Also, should be:
"However, after one of the members, [[RPC-695]], had a small paper containing a Sudoku puzzle fall out of his pocket, RPC-XXX watches the object for a few moments until RPC-695 asks if it wants to play. After RPC-XXX explains the bet, RPC-695 agrees immediately."
"This starts the first recorded RPC-XXX-A instance, RPC-XXX asks him what conditions both will have, after suggestions from each members, both agree on "servitude." RPC-695 finished the Sudoku paper first, and by this method it contained RPC-XXX for the first time."
Should be:
"This starts the first recorded RPC-XXX-A instance. RPC-XXX asks what the reward for winning will be, which after discussion, is decided to be "servitude." RPC-695 finished the Sudoku paper first, and by this method contained RPC-XXX for the first time."
Addendum 1:
Without giving any particular crit, this area suffers from a lot of incomplete sentences (also grammatical errors!), which I encourage you to fix. Also, footnote 11 has no reason to exist.
Addendum 2:
"Product of the environment, product of the them, product of products. Oh, wait, didn't you saw? Wait here."
Replace 'saw' with 'see', also get rid of the 'the' before 'them'.
"Are you talking about Amazing CO.?"
Throughout the article, you flip flop between capitalizing both the C and the O or just the C, I would recommend you choose one way to capitalize it and stick with it.
"Oh, to the children of course. That is, well, was my entire purpose after all, which is why they are hunting me now that the old donkey fell out of the horse, aye?"
Add comma after 'me'.
"Man? As in human? Are you perhaps blind? I'm made of gas, inside this shell made of zoom balloons Dr. Mr. Robert…"
Add comma after 'balloons'.
Addendum 3:
"Upon arriving the containment cell of RPC-XXX, Dr. Herbert would discover that the source of the disturbance was a bruised RPC-XXX was found standing besides one wall of his containment."
Get rid of the second 'was'. Also, how would RPC-XXX bruise itself, being a balloon man dude thing?
Addendum 4:
"Good afternoon, dear Authority, given recent events, we, AMAZING! CO. would like to speak upon the issues plaguing your deceiving grounds with your many anomalies."
Should be:
"Good afternoon, dear Authority. Given recent events, we, AMAZING! CO. would like to speak upon the issues plaguing your deceiving grounds with your many anomalies."
"One in specific have caused us many problems on the production process, and we'd like to announce that Product#13 of ZoomBalloon limited edition, our dear Mr. Harold is no longer in our jurisdiction, nor is our partners from "That place" are currently working under commercial affiliation anymore, do not associate us with "That place" or any instances of the ZoomBallons, limited or not."
Should be:
"One, in particular, has caused us many problems on the production process, and we'd like to announce that Product#13 of ZoomBalloon limited edition, our dear Mr. Harold, is no longer in our jurisdiction. Nor are our partners from "That place" currently working under commercial affiliation anymore, so do not associate us with "That place" or any instances of the ZoomBallons, limited or not."
BUYY ITTTTT NOW ITS GOOD BUY IT BUY IT PLEASE PLEASSSEEE PLEAAAASE PLEEEASSSEE PLEASE
(The email continues with pleads of commercial requirements for at least 1k words )
I get that this is supposed to be a bit of comedy at the very end, but I would recommend removing it.
swaggest person on rpc
Fixed TTPY
And Fixed Jammy (also the balloon parts just stand there floating when regenerating.)
Fixed and waiting for the continuation for Proto
I am not going to do a line by line, people here have done a good job at that. I think this has a lot of potential and to be honest the picture creeps me out. It was the first thing I noticed and was like "oh shit". You are getting better at clinical tone. I think the weakness here is excess and un-needed material. Details about eating and making holes in it are distractions, imo. It's more effective, quicker, and more unsettling to leave all that unanswered, maybe even unmentioned. ("How does this thing eat?…. no one knows…")
Again, my main advice is: it's a tad long. If you can get away with removing it, even a maybe, then get rid of it. The article will be more tone and powerful.