~Baubi
next time post a link in #article-drafts, lmao
Article? Extremely interessting?
Concept? Kinda cliche on some parts like parasitic object, HOWEVER, the way you did it completely twisted it, and the explanations and mystery around the effects left enough to actually leave a taste in your mouth.
Plot? Really confusing up to the end, and even then there was a lot of things left on the dark, for example, the dark people, I first thought it was actual shadows, then I thought it was the authority, then (Omega Iota.) But now I think its really anyone in power, seeking the thrill.
Now, the parts I had problem were about three specifically, Dialogue felt kinda inconsistent on the first one, as she went from a mostly sweetheart to a complete ass in a few seconds, you could include actions to show the sudden change, like violence or something. But even then, she seemed like someone who would hold herself, not a slang/cuss type of person
My suggestions
Kozue: Shut up…
Canaan: Excuse me? I'm sorry. Did I say something?
Kozue: Upstairs. Daddy is upstairs, deep down in Hell. Daddy did his business in black opera before me. He knew who he dealt with very well.
Canaan: Black opera?
Kozue: That is what they call it. Black opera helps our minds be clean.
Canaan: I understand. And who did your father "dealt" with?
Also I felt like her talking about the black opera was the thing that erased her memory but it was quite vague about that, I don't know if it is on purpose but if it is, leave it like that, if its not, I would give physical presentation of that, for example, she looking down or collapsing her head, something to show that something has changed, a reset.
Another thing which is just me, some expressions might be hard for the common reader, and maybe I would suggest to add explanation to more words/events that you think someone would not know otherwise, like a biological term.
Overall amazing read with great imagery, and a really interesting point that is obscured by mystery
Nice job!
Every other known RPC-483 instance is open-ended, comprising only of 1 valve with a long muscle connecting each side
of only
Metabolic activity in instances have not been detected when not being worn
has
after which it was made clear that the subject's memory of events leading up to the anomaly's acquisition were unaccountable.
memories
however it was later discovered that RPC-483 instances are able to alter memory in order to more effectively control their hosts' behavior.
Suggest Change: alter memory for greater control over ther hosts's behaviour
utilized by an unknown party during the Korean War in order to aid North Korean forces
Suggest Change: Shorten "in order to" to just "to aid North Korean forces"
penetrating the spinal chord and brachial plexus
spinal cord
An unknown chemical compound(Later classified as a [REDACTED] compound.)
Really pointless here if you're just gonna remove or meaning to it by redaction. If you are going to reference it later in the future just put a link to 483
Hello, doctor. How may I be of service to you.
Use question mark
so that I could lean to hate him.
learn
I assume the mask gives you see the people upstairs?
gives you "the ability to"
(Or whatever that appears to be missing from the sentence)
I cannot. I apologize, doctor. But black opera cannot let me.
I don't think "But" is necessary there
she was transported to Site-086 and contained in a standard holding cell.
I can't determine if that was a misspelling of Site-089 or not, perhaps you can make it more clear by giving the general location of it (should it not be Site-089, since it is in Korea afterall)
Hoshino Kozue (RPC-759/85 host)
RPC-483/85 host
however it was gathered
however,
His ashes were located at a relatives house.
relative's
Yamanaka Katsuhiko
Why wouldn't he and Kazato share the same surname?
Hoshino may have been a love child concieved by Kazato and an unknown woman.
conceived
Japanese law enforcement were unable to give an answer as to why this information
was
(It's very unlikely that the Japanese government would kept a record of these kinds of incidents when they themselves don't even admit prostituting Korean to the military.
who rarely left her apartment
leaves
As indicated by general attitude towards Hoshino during questioning
her general attitude
RPC-483/85 would prove detrimental to her well being
well-being
"证人"
Not sure how accurate its usage is because it only means "a person who seen a crime" and in this case you could have been refering to something like "a person who see an event"
See Addedum 483.3
Addendum
Both Individual A and B walk off scream and Kozue claws at the object and retches.
as Kozue screams and claws at
Cysts begins to form on her exposed skin.
begin
I''m not doing it
I'm
My best guess here is that this is another creature re-engineered/engineered into serving the Omega Iota, this time as a ransom tool. I don't really understand much beyond that, things like why they would have them act in a way that would gain them attention when their fecal odor eventually attracts the neighbours.
I'm also not really sold on Kazato Kozue's care for her daughter considering she's illegitimate and it is very common for Japanese to disown them especially given that he is a soldier at that time.
consuming an estimated 23% of nutrients consumed daily.
consumed -> ingested
The interviews read slightly repetitive, but that's a minor issue. It's just a little annoying to see 85 constantly talk about the same stuff.
Other than that, I'm not sure how much I like OI's involvement in this. I get that the article is supposed to show you how evil and fucked up these people are, but they might as well be any secret fucked up society. Hell, they could even be a rich Malthus cell in need of money.
I think you should have OI develop a little more in this article. Their relationships with people, development, etcetera. Plus we don't even have a clear link between the masks and OI. Were they made by VP? Or did they just find them?
Good job with everything else — you really excel at body horror and psychological stuff.
RPC-483 instances are contained within Site-089. Each RPC-483 is contained in a separate locker compartment, each stored within Mass Containment Unit 6A in the Alpha Containment Wing.
This is just too much information that doesn't add up to anything. Every RPC is partially guilty of this, the reader expects the containment procedures to be swift and precise, but instead, writers think if they write a short introduction they won't hit the mark.
Instances of RPC-483 are contained in a separate locker compartment, each stored within Mass Containment Unit 6A in the Alpha Containment Wing of Site-089
Moving on
Testing which involves CSDs wearing an RPC-483 must first be approved by Site Director Genichi, as well as at least one Level 3+ Research Division personnel.
One thing I don't like is how you set up an Experimentation Log at the very beginning of the article and don't bother to incorporate it whatsoever. Now, I understand that adding experimentation logs would disrupt the pacing of the story, so you could straight-up skip this statement.
These materials are presumed to have originated from an as-of-yet unknown metropolitan area3(presumed Shangai) the city of Shangai.
This article has a lot of footnotes that don't add up to anything. This is one of them. Why would you state that the authority thinks it's from some metropolis, and then restate ''most likely Shangai''?
as specimens do not possess a heart or brain6. Basic homeostatic mechanisms such as blood flow and oxygen intake have not been observed basic homeostatic mechanisms such as blood flow and oxygen intake.
You just said the same thing twice. ''Sapience is debatable because these things don't have a brain or a heart. They don't display neuronal activity or a circulatory system.''.
Heikegani, or samurai crabs; a species of crab native to Japan known for their shells' resemblance to samurai warrior faces.
This is pretty much all we need to know about the crabs, the rest is not really all that important.
leading many Research Division personnel to believe the story to have been fabricated prior to RPC-483/1's acquisition.
Completely out of character for the Authority to do this. How about: ''Traces of the heikegani following the soldier's termination by a local police officer have not been found, and after a follow-up investigation still running to this date, the soldier's remains are yet to be located.''. It just seems nonsensical that the Authority would just straight up conclude ''nah it was never real fam''
Of note is that said cult worshiped "Cetace": an eponymous cetacean deity found within many sex cults in California and Oregon. The destruction of these cults, when not tied to the Authority, have most often been linked with possible Omega Iota activity in the region.
Brutal, but shouldn't you consult this with BallYT before he uh…you know.. does what every sane man would do if their GOI is getting shitted on by another person's GOI?
I already told you the rest on Discord, it's pretty alright. Footnote 10 and 11 are nice though, they add additional information which is relevant to the story. The rest, I'd suggest to go easy on them footnotes. Since you are still working on the article, I'll check it out again in the future when it's far more developed and there's far more clinical inconsistencies that need to be pointed out ASAP.
Exactly RPC-483 instances have been circulated
Exact
Couldn't find many other issues here so I will go over some random thoughts
Good images. They help convey the story and establish terrifying imagery in the readers head.
I am not really a fan of the cetace thing. When I saw it on chat I thought it was funny but in practice… meh. Randomly dogging on our worst GoI seems odd.
Great dialogue and a chilling ending. I love how this just shows how cruel OI is to anyone who crosses them.
Those interviews hit home for me especially. I really feel like an actual, mentally ill person is being spoken to in them as compared to most people's attempts at writing a person with "psychopathy" or "schizophrenia" .
Overall just a very good creepy article. Easy 5/5
Draft reworked. Phase 2 begin.
~Baubi