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JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha 26 Apr 2019 01:54
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-901

This isn't very good. You used "D-class" instead of CSD1, and there are many, many clinical tone and spelling errors. For example, you call the room a "child's room". Just call it a room. You don't need any quotation marks in interview/test logs, as we already know that people are saying this stuff. This needs a major rework. +1


oh yeah yeah

by JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha, 26 Apr 2019 01:54
DrXOUBLE DDrXOUBLE D 26 Apr 2019 01:20
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-901

We don’t use D-Class anymore. We use CSD-Class

by DrXOUBLE DDrXOUBLE D, 26 Apr 2019 01:20

The fact that RPC-940 is gone kind of makes me feel sad reading this.

by Chiryo-shiChiryo-shi, 25 Apr 2019 19:21
SticksNTricksSticksNTricks 25 Apr 2019 18:07
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-187

This is a very well done piece I must say. For a neutralized RPC, it capitalizes off of the mystery and thriller aspect in what is a conspiracy piece. Lovely set up and execution.

by SticksNTricksSticksNTricks, 25 Apr 2019 18:07
SticksNTricksSticksNTricks 25 Apr 2019 17:52
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-117

117 was a particularly good read and there weren't any issues regarding the description, the containment procedures and the history behind the item. It was neatly written piece but my only issue that I have with this was how CSD classes were primarily used for these kind of tests. Considering the RPC Authority's stances on not wasting resources… this is particularly a waste of resource. I.E. CSD classes. Second, given how the Authority's ethical standards when it comes to its personnel… this is a rather gross violation of those standards.
Have to give it a +3 for it.

by SticksNTricksSticksNTricks, 25 Apr 2019 17:52
GearhartGearhart 25 Apr 2019 15:38
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-148

Why is this thing still considered neutralized if they discovered evidence saying otherwise? wouldn't they want to secure RPC-148-1 as soon as possible?

by GearhartGearhart, 25 Apr 2019 15:38

I'd definitely fuck RPC-997.


oh yeah yeah

And


The Grand Clock Ticks Once More

Not 162


It's not my first language haha

Sir I'm an Arab


It's not my first language haha

Re: useless info by Lusitania-RLusitania-R, 25 Apr 2019 11:17

what the fuck


It's not my first language haha

fingers


It's not my first language haha

JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha 25 Apr 2019 09:15
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-910

Furbies aren't creepy you're just a bunch of meanies >:(


oh yeah yeah

by JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha, 25 Apr 2019 09:15

Father: Sure… You see all the sunflowers out on my lawn? My mother grew those every day since I was little and they just remind me of her…

This is a wholesome and very well done article. You've clearly worked hard on this, and I have nothing further to add that could make this better.

Good work.

Re: RPC draft: Wishful Wreath by ICFDICFD, 25 Apr 2019 08:59
JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha 25 Apr 2019 05:52
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions »

oh yeah yeah

by JimmyBoyHahaJimmyBoyHaha, 25 Apr 2019 05:52

Thank you for you criticism! I definitely needed help compartmentalizing my thoughts with this one. I believe I addressed most of your critiques, and I can't wait to receive more to better my piece.

Okay so I'm just gonna go over the issues and then I'll give my overall thoughts.

""Do you ever wish all this was a little bit more… I dunno, exciting?""
When you've started the tale off like this, it doesn't exactly give any clarity on what Carter means by these words. And context can become lost the more the reader reads into it.

You can start off with him talking about something specific. Or you can make an introductory post regarding the context of his dialogue.
Like this for an example: YOu don't have to emulate off of it precisely but it is to give an idea. I'd move

"Carter and Prasetya's control center sat high on a lunar scarp overlooking the southern outskirts of Site-019. The cramped space was dominated by wall-high bubble windows and a chattering, humming bank of mildly obsolete computer equipment, half-buried under the personal accretions left by long years of work in the same place. A slightly off-center "Authority Protection Division" stencil was painted on one of the few patches of bare wall."

to be your very first post. And in the context of Carter's question: put this into the paragraph. Or something similar.

" Carter cast his gaze over the vast, barren landscape, bored with this sense of familiarity that he had grown accustomed to during his service here. Space had never felt so plain. Or perhaps, it was his perception from where he stood."

"At Carter's question, Prasetya turned away from his amber-glowing console.

"Exciting how, exactly?""

This might be just me but the first line could use a bit of fluff. Something where Prasetya was deeply ingrained into the amber-glowing console, only to be dragged out of his focus by Carter's question.

This second line is an issue because Carter had asked a vague question. Try something like this:
"What are you referring to? And what do you mean by 'exciting' exactly?"

"Carter collected his thoughts, staring out at the familiar sight of two dozen gigantic domes- each more than a hundred meters across-protruding from the lunar regolith. The space around them was scorched and blasted, packed flat by, he guessed, whatever process had buried them in the first place."

This might be just me but the it feels kinda short to be a finished paragraph considering the next paragraph is short. However, I can see why that is short though since dialogue follows up after it. I can understand you wanting to varying up the length but unless you had a particular formatting style, it feels a bit disjointed. This is just me.

Secondly; you can reword this around differently with:
"Carter took a moment to collect his thoughts before he could give an answer. He was too distracted by the familiar sight of the titanic domes that dotted the cold landscape. Each dome spanned more than a hundred meters across, protruding from the lunar regolith. Much of the space around them were scorched and blasted, packed flat by what he guessed was whatever process used to bury them in the first place."

"You've been here what, five years? Six?"
I know this is Carter given Prasetya's response before and after… but… you never made a follow up to Carter finally addressing him after he was musing over.

Follow up a sentence before the dialog.

Carter finally pulled himself away from his station to ask another question; "You've been here what, five years? Six?"

"Prasetya appeared to be doing a quick round of mental arithmetic."
Feels oddly worded. Try:
"Prasetya turned his head to the side as if to round off the numbers in his head."

"Six years, give or take four months. Exciting how?"
This might be just me but I'd put "Give or take," before Six years and follow up to 'four months' with an 'and' before it.

""Fine, mostly shooting down asteroids. Some times you grab a buggy and do patrols of the perimeter, re-tune a few lens assemblies, maybe test-fire a new unit into a rock.""

The way this sounds is rather expositionary like given the context. Spice it up a bit so it doesn't appear too obvious like:

"I can't imagine anything more exciting than patrolling the perimeter in a buggy and re-tuning a few lens assemblies. Test-firing a new unit into a rock is different but doesn't exactly differ much from just pointing and shooting at floating rocks."

A bit expository this next one. But, This part I'mma just do strikethroughs and italics.
""No- you know what I mean. On an average day. WhenYou've finished the day your shift here at Protection, she's done doing whatever it is Research does day-to-day with Beta-level anomalies, you take the tram back from your respective wings of Site Oh-Nineteen, meet up in Quarters Wing and then what?""

This part is a run on. Break it apart, add a few stuff.
" Several dozen kilometers away, a tiny asteroid on a (possible) collision course with one of the huge hemispherical tanks flared white-hot(Period.) and then The drifting rock then silently melted into dust as a tiny percentage of Site-019's laser defense grid output was directed against it." focused on it.

""You're feeling dissatisfied by space."" Could add a bit more flare to this with Pras coming to realize Carter's behavior.

"A slight 'ah' sound escaped from Prasetya's lips as he finally figured out what Carter was getting at. "I get it now. You're dissatisfied by space."

Prasetya stared at him dispassionately.

"Well, you do operate one of the largest weaponized laser systems ever constructed by humanity."

You can put this quote in after the sentence. It helps clarify the order of speaking roles.

I'mma add a thingy here.
"The dome looked rather like a squashed eyeball, a long horizontal slit pupil carved low into its dusty bulk." With slit pupil shape carved low into the dusty bulk, right in the center."
Since we were going with comparisons and such.

I'mma put another work around here.
"Prasetya glanced at him, a gesture that required turning his entire upper body.Prasetya gestured his body body to the side to glance at him. The suits were comfortable enough for long-term work on the lunar surface, but they were not agile."

Same for here
"He turned back to the rover,(period here)He started bouncing his way in the short, controlled hops that became second nature to any resident of Site-019. Carter took one last glance at the tank, and a strange flash of colour caught his eye."

Also put this in with the last paragraph and here are some change suggestions: "He approached the edge of the crack,(period here) thumbingHe thumbed the switch on for his suit lamps(Period) He peered into the gloomy space between the outer and secondary hulls of the helium-3 tank."

"So you're not going to believe this-"

"It was the next morning. The maintenance team had come and gone, replacing the faulty radar unit and patching the hole in the tank in a flurry of spacewalk activity. Prasetya and Carter were once again at their stations."

Like the first time, switch this around with the dialogue coming after the paragraph.

Reword it around to; "A day passed" or "The morning came with the entire maintenance team coming and going. Each team working in tandem to replace the faulty radar unit, patching the hole in the tank in a flurry of spacewalk activity."

Also… WHO IS SPEAKING FIRST?! Between "So you're not going to believe this-" and "What, did you finally meet a green-skinned space babe who suited your tastes?" I can't tell who was talking to the other.

Maybe have it with Carter running right up to Prasetya with an excited expression on his face. Then have Prasetya respond with a bodily expression that indicates that we know this is Prasetya before or after he speaks.

"Prasetya stared at him for a long moment, underlit by the amber glow of the display screens. It occuredoccurred to Carter that he had no idea how old his taciturn partner actually was- there were deep lines around his eyes that belied the youthfulness of the rest of his face. His console beeped- maintenance crews requesting remote sealing of the service tunnels below the tanks. Carter was so distracted in awaiting Prasetya's reply that he didn't register that the service tunnels- which normally bustled with activity- were completely empty."

This starting sentence and the following needs to be reworded a bit too:
"Prasetya pulled his face from the display screen and gave him a good, long, stare. The amber glow of the display screen betrayed his age. It never occurred to carter how old his taciturn partner actually was."

""The question you should really have asked," Prasetya said, with a faint smile on his face, "Day one, you should have asked it- is why would we keep all our precious fuel supplies out here on the surface?""

This part's a bit weirdly worded.Try this:
"That's the sort of question you should have really asked on day one." Prasetya said with a faint smile on his face, "Why would we keep all our precious fuel supplies out here on the surface?"

Everything else after this though was just perfect and a perfect sendoff to finish this lovely little read. It gave a nice little insight on how operations are like on the moonbase. (However I believe you could do a bit more by adding some fluff without having it be distracting.) Other then that, it was a good read and felt enjoyable to learn about folks like these.

Re: Men on the Moon by SticksNTricksSticksNTricks, 25 Apr 2019 02:55

Welcome to the world of article drafts! This is a hefty first article, so you'll excuse me if I don't do a line-by-line.

  • I think you might have gone almost overboard on the formatting? Like, not everything needs to be behind a collapsible or in a tab. You also don't need the coloured text, and the slightly-enlarged headings kind of break the line sizes, especially on a small screen.
  • "RPC-719 is currently contained in a standard humanoid containment cell, with each instance of RPC-719, at Site-002." Not entirely clear on what the second half of this sentence means.
  • Mentioning voltage in terms of an electrifying barrier doesn't mean much- you can touch a million-volt Van de Graaf generator without harm. It's the amperage that kills you.
  • Your paragraphs are freaking loooooong, man. Break things up a little. Move extraneous information into footnotes. As it is, this is already kind of a slow read.
  • "Tillich is a Caucasian German American male immigrant" Ahh, the ol' "Describe a person scientifically problem. I would suggest "Tillich was a white male of German descent…" instead, since you mention he emigrated later anyways.
  • You overuse the word "appears" a lot. Fix it. For instance, if his vision is 20/200, it doesn't appear to be impaired- it obviously and objectively is impaired.
  • If the paintings are the focus of the article, why spend so much time on the condition and health of the painter?
  • " had finished three separate instances " Three separate instances of what, exactly? I know from reading these are paintings, but this is an introductory sentence- I need to know what this paragraph is describing.
  • " claims in the interview to not be cognitive" The word you're looking for is "conscious"
  • "or during his later paintings just by touching a flat surface." So this guy can cause paintings to spontaneously appear? That's something that should have been mentioned waaaay earlier, because it implies a degree of reality manipulation or matter control.
  • You don't need to link every single mention of Site-002. The first one is sufficient.
  • In the case of passages in other languages, please include footnotes with the translation. It's good form.
  • "It is unclear whether RPC-719 was the source of the heat, or simply a catalyst of something more." This is again an anomalous ability that should be mentioned earlier. Also, the latter half of the sentence is just speculation, and the kind of thing that would only be included as a personal note in an interview log, not part of an official closing statement.
  • Painting 1- it makes you deaf and causes paranoia. Not blowing my mind here. I like the addition of the hazards for each painting, that's a nice detail.
  • Painting 2- makes you addicted to seeing more paintings. Again, not mind-blowing.
  • Painting 3 makes you fight, okay, I like the notion that its area of effect is unpredictable.
  • "Artistic depiction of Shawalu C.E. 1633." Do you mean "circa" 1633"? Because the CE date convention always goes after the date.
  • Painting 4 makes you worship Shawalu, I think I see where you're going with this
  • "A space on the wall measuring 1 x 1.5 meters becomes distorted in a way similar to all other instances of RPC-719." Again, I think you need to describe the process of formation of these paintings in a bit more detail.
  • "RPC-719-7 has an ambient temperature of 00 Celsius" There is a unicode character for degrees, y'know. Just search for degree signs. Actually hell, you use it like three lines later, what happened?
  • Put your surveillance log in a quote box so it doesn't get lost in the rest of the text!

Okay, overall… this is a really ambitious first article but I think you've gone overboard in terms of level of detail, and the payoff of the paintings don't really justify the buildup. If this guys' paintings are predicting and causing some kind of apocalyptic confrontation, I would cut down the number of paintings and make their effects much more dramatic than, say, turning people crazy. Items that turn people crazy or paranoid are dime a dozen.

But yeah, this is a classic example of a draft with potential that desperately needs tightening down. Keep working on it.

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