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I actually love this mainly because I’m writing an RPC that are humans with leech’s tongues so spinnon vampires that I’m surprised that hasn’t been done yet.

Re: New "Monster" GoI by TimewatcherTimewatcher, 25 Jun 2019 19:08
Kelvin YaromirKelvin Yaromir 25 Jun 2019 19:01
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-689

I like it. It's a cool idea, and its executed well.

The only thing I can see wrong with it was that in the interview, when Reynolds has 3 separate lines in a row. I don't know if that is intentional, or if there is some standard for writing interviews I don't know about, but the 3 separated lines in a row look like they could be changed to 3 separate paragraphs under the one name.

Overall: 5/5

by Kelvin YaromirKelvin Yaromir, 25 Jun 2019 19:01

I just don't really feel like this is… particularly strongly worded?

They treat us as a man might treat his dog, something cute but ultimately harmless. Well the AEP Association will no longer answer to a master who thinks himself above the struggles of the average man.

This, for example, is just grammatically weird and worded oddly, putting "well" after a full stop doesn't look right, and the analogy gets dragged on further than it needs to.

I don't think this is supposed to look like that intentionally for story reasons, so it comes off weirdly.

The AEP shall be the first to strike a blow to the RPC monster.

Things like this, constant use of acronyms, don't fit the tone, especially for something that's supposed to be a manifesto that's been thought over and written in advance.

Following the transmission of this message the AEP Association contacted the Authority with assurances that this action was committed by a rogue agent. Investigations are in progress.

And this part… is weird? "Actually he was our agent embedded in your organisation and he did use our symbol and say it was in our name, but he went rouge, he wasn't supposed to do that" just doesn't sound super convincing, but it's treated like the authority still accepts their reasoning

by TogeticTogetic, 25 Jun 2019 09:04
TogeticTogetic 25 Jun 2019 08:55
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-831

I don't have much to say about this one beyond that I like the idea of an authority ai that goes rogue, but we already have it done by that other ai that was formed from the authority's communication network and chips implanted in the skulls of important people. AEGIS just doesn't really bring a whole lot of new stuff to the table, beyond the baffling idea the authority would just arbitrarily decide to use technology it doesn't understand on a wide scale for seemingly no reason.

It's fine, I think, but doesn't grow beyond that

by TogeticTogetic, 25 Jun 2019 08:55
TogeticTogetic 25 Jun 2019 08:50
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-739

Like pretty much all the other failsafe RPC, I like the idea you're going for with this godzilla homage, and even the sequence of events is fine, but the specifics really bog the whole thing down in unfortunate ways. The original creature seems to exist solely as a way to explain why a nuke made it so big, to the point of barely even being anomalous, rather than having it's own thing going on that the nuclear upgrade mutated in new ways to create the final creature, which is a massive missed opportunity. For specifics:

Honestly I think this is savable pretty easily, but as it stands i'm really not into it

by TogeticTogetic, 25 Jun 2019 08:50

Alrighty, edited with your crits in mind. Also added a secret message, or sorts, into the tale. Scrabble points.

TogeticTogetic 25 Jun 2019 07:49
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-559

The concept of the story you're doing is interesting, but I think fundamentally you've got the orders reversed on which document should be first, and this just straight up should not be an RPC document. It's out of date in-universe, refers to an entity that is no longer held by the authority and is in the hands of another organisation that they allowed to take it. It just shouldn't be on their lists anymore as a current entity. More in-depth thoughts under the collapsible.

Overall I think the idea sort of has potential, a relatively harmless anomaly becoming an irradiated death cultist via the explosion, but this doesn't pull that idea off as well as it could, and I can't in good conscience give it a better vote because of that

by TogeticTogetic, 25 Jun 2019 07:49
GrammerPoliseCheifGrammerPoliseCheif 25 Jun 2019 05:38
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-315

Hello again! Glad to see you updated your article!

I'd rate it a 4.5 if I could, lol.

by GrammerPoliseCheifGrammerPoliseCheif, 25 Jun 2019 05:38

Crit time

Containment Protocols: The Authority is to embed agents of Mobile Specialized Team Sierra-08 "Sundowners" in high-ranking positions in the American, British, French, Russian, Indian, and Chinese militaries, so that they may undermine RPC-XXX's recommendations in a Trasimene Event.

Good

escription: RPC-XXX is a Caucasian male of indeterminate age wearing a leather mask that covers all facial features, save the eyes. The mask itself is a cognitohazard, resembling a normal face to the naked eye with a CRI1 below 50, even though digital photos and videos prove otherwise. The anomaly wears different uniforms that correspond to the target military in a Trasimene Event. RPC-XXX is usually compliant to military personnel with a higher rank than that listed on its uniform.

I like this

This article is good 4 stars

Crit time

Containment Protocols: The Authority is to embed agents of Mobile Specialized Team Sierra-08 "Sundowners" in high-ranking positions in the American, British, French, Russian, Indian, and Chinese militaries, so that they may undermine RPC-XXX's recommendations in a Trasimene Event.

Good

escription: RPC-XXX is a Caucasian male of indeterminate age wearing a leather mask that covers all facial features, save the eyes. The mask itself is a cognitohazard, resembling a normal face to the naked eye with a CRI1 below 50, even though digital photos and videos prove otherwise. The anomaly wears different uniforms that correspond to the target military in a Trasimene Event. RPC-XXX is usually compliant to military personnel with a higher rank than that listed on its uniform.

I like this

This article is good 4 stars

edit sorry wikidot lagged

GrammerPoliseCheifGrammerPoliseCheif 25 Jun 2019 05:08
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-780

Try Personnel are to patrol the site for signs of RPC-780-1.

What's a Try Personnel? Is it a contract group? Or did you mean "The personnel"? If so you didn't even have to include the first word, "Personnel" alone is fine.

Personnel are to be on the lookout for a dark hooded entity at the entrance of RPC-780.

Why is this dark-hooded entity mentioned here then never mentioned again? Should it be classified as RPC-780-1? Does it do anything other than stand at the entrance? Does it persuade people to go in/stay out depending on how close they are to natural death? Is it hostile? What should personnel do if they see it?

Having read all the way to the bottom I finally see an explanation, but since it apparently doesn't appear, I think it needs to be reworded to insert the italics: "for the possibility of a dark-hooded entity"

RPC-780 is a wooden bridge that appears around the times of 24:00 - 2:15 CST.

Okay, but where exactly does it appear? Taiwan only, right? Does it appear across empty ravines, or does it overlap upon an existing bridge?

appears to be made from type of wood called [REDACTED] mostly found in Africa.

1) "from a type of wood"
2) "mostly found in" is very casual english. Use "endemic to Africa".

[DATA EXPUNGED] m

Too wordy. Change it to black bars instead, so either ██m or ███m.

Matches burn out when stepping onto the bridge of RPC-780.

Matches only? What about torches? Oil lanterns? Electronic lights? Glow sticks? You need to expand this to cover every form of light source.

RPC-780 anomalous effects begin when staring at the entrance of RPC-780.

RPC-780's anomalous effects, you mean. This line can be merged with the next one.

appears in distress.

appears to be in distress, you mean.

The screaming continues until CSD personnel reaches 40 minutes of walking.

What happens after 40 minutes of walking, does it stop? Does it get louder? Does it start talking or pleading?

will locate them in ██████

Missing full stop.

manifested itself in front of personal

Personnel.

After this RPC-780 has appered

Appeared.

by GrammerPoliseCheifGrammerPoliseCheif, 25 Jun 2019 05:08

http://www.rpc-wiki.net/forum/t-12070685/operation-sour-syrup#post-4278038

Thank you to those that gave crits, especially Enk for the in-depth ripping apart of my first dialog draft; and Kaiser for his spelling checks and formatting suggestions.

Sour Syrup by C0debreakC0debreak, 25 Jun 2019 02:19

Nice job, just a couple touch ups needed

Anders, the man responsible for the detonation at Site-014, had been "exiled" from the AEP Association for good publicity with the Authority.

Wouldn't the Authority essentially want, if not demand, AEP to apprehend and transport Anders into their custody so they would be able to prosecute him under their jurisdiction? I don't think the Authority would be particularly too happy with AEP releasing what is to them a 'Public Enemy #1' and not in return send an MST to either kill or capture him.

Jim and Andes entered the stolen VTOL once more, preparing to fly to the closest Church of Malthus hideout.

Misspelled 'Anders.'

As they approached, Jim turned on the VTOL's comms, flipping to a seemingly static channel.

A bit wordy, let's condense this to: "As they approached, Jim turned the VTOL's comms to a static channel."

Anders then quickly found out that the leader and his acquaintance were the same person. As the individual approached, Anders knew who it was instantly. After all, standing at 203 centimeters and having a freakishly mutated left arm was a dead giveaway.

A bit wonky with the flow, let's amend that: "Anders quickly realized after witnessing a tall figure with a hulking, horribly mutated arm approach him."

Two individuals then walked out. The first was what appeared to be a man wearing a heavily modified HAZMAT suit. "Hello, Anders. Veiko told me about you, and I think we're gonna be good friends. The name's Enzo. Or, if you're Jim, Mr. Roboto." Enzo proceeded to shake hands with Anders. "Mr. Roboto? why does he call you that?" Anders asked. "I guess I'll explain that myself. Enzo is from the robotics sect of Malthus. They were testing if converting their consciousness into an AI would work, and Enzo was the only one out of 10 volunteers who went through the process successfully. That's why we don't really like the robotics guys. Their ideas kill the most. Anyways, that suit contains what essentially is his body." Jim cut in. "So yeah, He calls me Mr. Roboto because I am a robot. Damn proud of it, too. What's not to love about practical immortality?" Enzo joked. Anders then turned his attention to the other new member. It was a large beast, standing at about 3 meters tall. "And that is Vadim. He can't speak, but he can understand us. Say hi, Sergei." Veiko commanded. The creature then raised one of its hand, waving. Anders waved back, smiling.

Waaaaay too blocky of a paragraph, I recommend you split these into two or three individual ones.

Anders proceeded to exit the meeting room, looking around the compound. Although he was disappointed that he wouldn't be able to fight under the banner of the AEP association, fighting alongside his old friends would be a good compromise. Anders began to think about the battle. "You think the Authority's going to send their immortal french bitch?" He asked. "Well, according to my calculations, that would be 100 percent yes. It doesn't take a robotic brain to get to that conclusion, however. Hell, even Sergei could probably see that. Are you forgetting how cowardly the authority is?" Enzo exclaimed. Anders burst out in laughter. He had only known Enzo for around 15 minutes, but he could already tell the two were going to be close friends. Anders knew one thing for certain. If he was going to fight for Malthus, he was going to do a damn good job.

Same here, either compress or split this paragraph.


So, the main issue here is your spacing of interpersonal dialogue. You make it so that the dialogue proceeds in one paragraph, and that can be difficult for the reader to keep up and maintain who is who. My recommendation here is that you space them individually; orient in separate lines, with only minor interjections between persons occurring in the same line. That way, the reader will have less trouble combing through the tale and could interpret who is specifically producing which line.

Now, content-wise, it's a bit dull. It just looks like a little bit of characterization between Anders and various members of the Church of Malthus, and that's essentially it. I would like to see more of an explanation detailing how Anders managed to avoid Authority capture, perhaps an introductory paragraph or the dialogue itself. Until then, this piece is not ready. Take the time to apply the changes I've recommended and see whether it is possible or not to provide more detail relating to events leading to Ander's arrival to CoM.

SSplinterfulSSplinterful 24 Jun 2019 22:01
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-780

Thanks. Its fixed now.

by SSplinterfulSSplinterful, 24 Jun 2019 22:01

This is the first RPC I've finished in months, and the third one to be posted on the mainlist. If you would take the time out of your day to read and critique, it would be much appreciated.

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/controlled-opposition

RPC-XXX: The Spy by CaptainFormidableCaptainFormidable, 24 Jun 2019 21:36
FeetpicsRusFeetpicsRus 24 Jun 2019 21:17
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-780

Hey dude, fix those RPC-XXXXs

by FeetpicsRusFeetpicsRus, 24 Jun 2019 21:17

From a pharmacological perspective:

  • Classes A, B, and C could very easily be standardized dosages of the same chemical, rather than actual variations; as such, alternative methods of application are possible but unnecessary. In reality, gaseous application of any chemical is usually incredibly dangerous, and typically only utilized with either extremely careful control or when the recipient is intended to die quickly afterwards from the OD.
  • I recommend merging the first three (A, B, C) to "Grade 1 Class A Amnestics," "Grade 2 Class A Amnestics," and "Grade 3 Class A Amnestics," primarily applied via injection; actual dosages would be adjusted to account for estimated bodyweights according to Grade. Inherent and difficult to account for anatomical variability gives a realistic and believable reason for the huge range in duration of memories lost within each Grade. A "Grade 1" could be 0.1 mL per KG, for example.
  • Class B could be relegated to a more sensitive, less reliable, more controllable amnestic with a similar grading; Grade 1 could be a month, Grade 2 could be two months, Grade 3 could be six months.
  • This would be advantageous because Class P could realistically be recast as a Delayed Release ("DR") variant pill form of the Class B injection. In this case, Class A could be regarded as 'impossible to avert', while Class B could be halted when neural receptors are protectively doped with another chemical within a month before release. This gives a nice dichotomy that encourages more careful use of long-term amnestics in stories while still providing a lot of mobility when writing. So, treating a CSD with a "Grade 2 DR-B Dosage" would wipe their past few months of memories, so long as they aren't treated with a "DR-B Antagonist" a month before their time is up.
  • Class T be reworked to fill out the trio as "Class C Amnestics", with a dual-chemical pill , one in a varying dose that coats neurons in the limbic system to prevent their access and a Sustained Release ("SR") compound that impedes the brain from removing the coating for a given span of time. A "Grade 3 Class SR9-C Amnestic" would block access of the past 5 to 8 days of memories for the next 9 months before restoring it afterwords. This also means you could make an Immediate Release ("IR") version that acts like a Class A, but returns memory briefly afterwords (a "Grade 2 Class IR-C Amnestic" would remove memories of the past 10-20 hours for the next hour). Want to interrogate somebody? Do it once, 1-IR C them, do it again with the new info, 1 IR-C them again, do it again with the new info the next day, 2 IR-C them…
  • Class G and R are A-OK as they are. G is a very viable representation of how several presently usable chemicals work, while R is a memetic hazard, not necessarily drug related, so I have no leg to stand on there. I do think It would be smart to replace SCP's liberal use and abuse of aerosols with liberal use and abuse of relatively common and low intensity Class R Amnestics. This could lead to some interesting situations where the risks of using field Amnestics in a hurry must be weighed with the emergency utility, rather than treating it like a MIB miracle stick.
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