Zippity zoppity yippity yay, this is RPC-940-J!
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At the RPC Authority, we're going over anomalies today,

with this one's Registered Phenomena Code being 940-J!

As long as you'll follow his rules, 940's real mellow,

and that is why his object class is Beta-Yellow!

Now that that's settled, despite him looking quite shattered,

you'll be relieved to know that sentience is his only hazard.

To keep 940 contained, you must introduce

into your communication the style of Seuss!

How to describe it? It couldn't be easier!

It looks like an owl (except much freakier).

It's a little wood statue you could fit on a dresser

that listens about itself, from whom or wherever.

It'll hear you anywhere, from your foyer, from your bedside,

from your basement (trust us, we've tried)

and if you talk about it in a way that's not quite right,

then boy oh boy, you'll be in for a night!

You'll toss and you'll turn, aching and flailing,

as you dream of the sounds of a thousand owls wailing.

A thousand poor poets, they'll get on your nerves

as they try to write literature which nobody deserves.

So thanks to our CSD class, after repeated defiance,

we got some tests done (hey, we're men of science)

and as it turns out, after repeated ignorance of the effects of 940,

subjects will awake sick, bleeding, crying, and dirty.

They'll wake up in misery, screaming for "the birds" to stop!

One CSD screamed, "Help! Drag them off to a lynch mob!"

So keep your hands off the keyboard, keep your tongue to your own,

talk about 940 the way he likes, and he'll leave you alone.

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