RPC-FREEDOM-J

FREEDOMERICA FUCK YEAH

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Registered Phenomena Code: RPC-FREEDOM-J

Object Class: Beta-Black RED, WHITE, AND BLUE

Containment Protocols:

RPC-FREEDOM-J is contained within RPC-FREEDOM-J-1.
RPC-FREEDOM-J has been contained to this location for the last ███ years by granting its requests on a bi-annual basis.
RPC-FREEDOM-J must also be given any and all materials needed to celebrate all major American holidays including ██████████, ████████████, and ████████████ LORD BABY JESUS RISES AGAIN!
The following items have been gifted every year, bi-annually since first containment.

  • The newest Ford brand truck, to be outfitted with a fitting tractor unit. MORE HORSEPOWER THAN THOSE SISSY EUROPEEANS CAN MAKE!
  • 60 pallets of the most current and popular low-calorie soda on the market, to be consumed by RPC-FREEDOM-J on a daily basis with usage ranging from 10-25 cans per day.
  • Any firearms or armaments requested, and delivered by the most current Miss America pageant winner. Amnestics used only at the ending of the current winner's reigning period. THERE SHE IS!
  • 5,000 lbs worth of frozen beef patties and refrigerated all-beef hot dogs.
  • The newest model of American grill available, charcoal or propane. PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES!
  • The newest American television in the largest size available, with access to all right-wing news channels and all sports-related channels. GOTTA CATCH THE BIG GAME!
  • And to meet any and all requests relating to itself, including requests related to its own containment article. AMERICA HAS ITS OWN WAY OF HANDLING THINGS!
  • A one-ton tanker to supply RPC-FREEDOM-J's water supply with a solution that is 90% F− and 10% H20

In the event that the Authority fails to meet any of these requests, RPC-FREEDOM-J has shown the ability to cause an extinction level event to all countries outside of the United States. AND ALL OF THOSE ████████ ARE LUCKY I DONT DO IT RIGHT NOW!


Description:

RPC-FREEDOM-J is an entity contained in ██████, Texas that currently has the appearance of a middle-aged man who is slightly overweight in build and outwardly the same as a regular human.
GOT A BIGGER ████ THAN THOSE UN-AMERICAN [REDACTED]
Medical testing done by a naturally born American doctor has revealed that RPC-FREEDOM-J has a blood pressure of ██████, and insulin levels much higher than the currently known lethal high.
Previous incarnations of RPC-FREEDOM-J include a 6'2" blonde man estimated to be around 20-25 years old, and a 5'7" red-haired female estimated 17-19.
THOSE WERE THE TIMES, THE CIVIL WAR, KOREA, VIETNAM, CATCHING THAT DAMN ██████ █████████ OSAMA!

RPC-FREEDOM-J displays immense feats of strength to maintain its containment area, such feats have included, lifting and pulling a tractor out of an irrigation ditch, throwing an 816lb pallet of recyclables a distance of 7m into the on-site recycling truck, and building its current residence by hand over the course of ██ days. AFTER WINNING SO MANY WARS THEY SHOULD HAND US THE WORLD ON A SILVER PLATTER!

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Current manifestation of RPC-FREEDOM-J.

RPC-FREEDOM-J-1 is a 10 acre stretch of land in ██████, Texas that is anomalously protected by RPC-FREEDOM-J. These effects vary, but the most common anomaly to be recorded manifests when anyone who is not currently an American citizen or is foreign-born enters within 20ft of its entrance. When such an individual reaches this radius of RPC-FREEDOM-J-1, they will anomalously hear a warning from RPC-FREEDOM-J to turn back, no matter it's current location or activity.
If the individual persists in nearing and then entering RPC-FREEDOM-J-1's area, they will be thrown out or over the fence perimeter by a blast similar to that of a shotgun or hunting rifle.
This effect is always lethal, one agent reporting a verbal mockery including the race of the individual during testing.
RPC-FREEDOM-J-2 is what can only be described as a semblance of a home in the exact center of RPC-FREEDOM-J-1's area. RPC-FREEDOM-J-2 is a collection of America themed memorabilia in the rough approximate shape of a home, notable examples include:

  • A stuffed bald eagle
  • Roughly 3,000 American flags
  • The Burger of a Big Boy's Burgers statue
  • An Uncle Sam inflatable standing at 25ft tall
  • A decommissioned prototype of Air Force One that is currently being investigated.

RPC-FREEDOM-J-2 is only accessible with direct verbal acknowledgment from RPC-FREEDOM-J via invitation or approval.
Outside of this approval, the same anomalous effect of the outer perimeter of RPC-FREEDOM-J-1 will activate, and cause whoever has entered without said permission to be jettisoned outside with lethal effect. RPC-FREEDOM-J has been recorded to make comments of communists, liberals, "hippies", and ██████. This is believed to be an unconscious effect.

RPC-FREEDOM-J-2 exhibits no other known anomalous effects.
For the reason that RPC-FREEDOM-J-1 and 2 have exhibited the ability to always be lethal, further testing is suspended.
RPC-FREEDOM-J-3 is a large red button in a locked glass case measuring 15x17in.
With verbal confirmation from RPC-FREEDOM-J, it's believed RPC-FREEDOM-J-3 has the capacity to cause an extinction level event to all non-American peoples in the country, or possibly all non-Americans on the planet.

RPC-FREEDOM-J-4 is a red telephone with no telephone jack or connecting cable, RPC-FREEDOM-J has been witnessed using this telephone only twice, during the events of ██████ ████████████'s death and ████. It's currently believed by the Board that RPC-FREEDOM-J-4 is either an anomalous direct line to the current POTUS or some kind of activation trigger for a nationally anomalous event.

RPC-FREEDOM-J-5 is a conglomerate of all vehicles and weapons that RPC-FREEDOM-J has received between the current writing and the year ████. RPC-FREEDOM-J-5 appears to contain at least 50 engines, with 50 mounted machine guns fashioned from various other firearms. In general appearance, RPC-FREEDOM-J-5 resembles the late 16th president Abraham Lincoln but lying prone.
The "hat" of the vehicle after being inspected appears to be a .50cal tank cannon but specially fitted to fire custom-made fireworks. SHOULD BE FINISHED BY THE 4TH!


Addendum:

Notes found nailed to the perimeter fence of RPC-FREEDOM-J-1:

  • AMERICA RULEZ
  • AMERICA #1
  • BACK-TO-BACK WORLD WAR CHAMPS

A list of activities given to all Authority agents RPC-FREEDOM-J has deemed "not American enough":

1. Shoot your own dinner entrées.

2. Drink American beer while it’s fresh.

3. Carry a sidearm into your church.

4. Shave your pubes into an American eagle.

5. Place a beef-jerky bouquet on John Wayne’s grave.

6. Drive an appropriately sized truck.

7. Read the national edition of USA Today.

8. Make a healthy living simply playing the children’s game of soccer.

9. Visit the historical home of Laura Ingalls Wilder and drink a half pint of Old Darlin’.

10. Urinate in North Dakota.

11. Consume USDA-certified meat-stuffs.

12. Learn about the Bible in science class.

13. Gape at the majesty of California’s giant redwoods while watching Ax Men on an iPad.

14. Carry a sidearm into an antique-furniture store.

15. Stand at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon and contemplate the grandeur of the combination safe full of sidearms in your nearby RV.

16. Go an entire week eating nothing but corn-syrup-based comestibles.

17. Appreciate firsthand the natural beauty of American women, particularly my American wife.

18. Not hear any Dutch accents.

19. Stand at the northern border and pass gas into Canada.

20. Secede from the union and form your own island state. (Still working out the bugs in this one.)

21. Watch a WNBA game live and revel in the physical prowess of women who know what the human body is supposed to look like.

22. Catch a largemouth bass, release it, then drive to McDonald’s in a Hummer and step up to a delicious McRib.

23. After that delicious McRib, hum "I’m Lovin’ It" while carrying a firearm into a Buddhist temple.

24. Become obese, then immobile, and get famous for it.

25. Appear on television and get all the money and tail you could ever dream of by becoming a televangelist.

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